Post by kelintexas on Nov 10, 2009 11:16:53 GMT -5
Hello to all, I don't know how my story will be received by this group. I don't feel I really fit anywhere. I'm taking a risk here b/c I know the pain some of you are facing, and I am imagining how you may react. Anyway, here-goes. I started having children at 32 and had 3 healthy (unplanned) pg's and then we planned our fourth. All healthy, no complications, got pg the 1st time we tried with no birth control. When my youngest (#4) was just 6 mo's, we miscarried, few mo's later another m/c, few mo's later another m/c. So, I have spent the last 4 years going through m/c and the grief that follows. The last m/c came at a time when a good friend was having her baby. We found out we were pg at the same time, fast forward to when her baby is due, I was to watch her kids when she went to hosp., turns out the night she called to say she was in labor, I was m/c. It was the hardest thing to go to her home and be joyful for her while I was passing a baby (in pieces). Since then I have endured every test possible (at least once), they revealed nothing other than I am completely healthy, no explanation (however I'm told I am considered infertile after 3 losses). Yet, they have said I am reproductively young for my age.
With all the ups and downs, getting hopeful and then let down, going from fearful to courageous and back again. We have been TTC since Feb '09 (w/o drug therapy), & no baby. My age has just hit me (emotionally) since turning 43 in Sept. Now I read that there is pretty much no hope ( statistically) for me to conceive.
Please don't misunderstand, I know that I am so blessed to have my four children but, I still have a desire for one more. I hear all the time from people "come on, you have four. why do you want more. can't you just be happy with what you have?". Yes, I am SO grateful for what I have, but I don't want my childbearing years to end overshadowed with death and loss and grief and sadness. I feel I need to MAKE myself give up hope of anymore. My 4 yo girl says "Mommy, I've been praying for a baby, why is God not giving us another baby?". I have 8 friends having babies right now. I am constantly going to showers, buying baby gifts, taking meals to postpartum moms. I feel I have to put on a happy face for everyone, inside I am feeling desperate. I am struggling to keep the right perspective at this moment.
Sorry to go on for so long, I have never posted about this before. I welcome any commentary. Thanks for listening.
With all the ups and downs, getting hopeful and then let down, going from fearful to courageous and back again. We have been TTC since Feb '09 (w/o drug therapy), & no baby. My age has just hit me (emotionally) since turning 43 in Sept. Now I read that there is pretty much no hope ( statistically) for me to conceive.
Please don't misunderstand, I know that I am so blessed to have my four children but, I still have a desire for one more. I hear all the time from people "come on, you have four. why do you want more. can't you just be happy with what you have?". Yes, I am SO grateful for what I have, but I don't want my childbearing years to end overshadowed with death and loss and grief and sadness. I feel I need to MAKE myself give up hope of anymore. My 4 yo girl says "Mommy, I've been praying for a baby, why is God not giving us another baby?". I have 8 friends having babies right now. I am constantly going to showers, buying baby gifts, taking meals to postpartum moms. I feel I have to put on a happy face for everyone, inside I am feeling desperate. I am struggling to keep the right perspective at this moment.
Sorry to go on for so long, I have never posted about this before. I welcome any commentary. Thanks for listening.
TTC again, no joy yet