My lost

[krissy]

I knew from the day my cycle was supposed to come (12/4/08)on that I was pregnant. So the next day I took an EPT and the line was very light, so the next day I took another and it was still light. I waited a couple of days and took another the line was a little darker but it still showed that I was pregnant and I was happy. This is my 2nd child, I have a 6yr DD. During this time my father had been in the hospital since Thanksgiving so I was going back and forth to the hospital with him and school with my daughter and dance class. I was getting nauseated and very tired. When I told my BF he told me to have an abortion and that was that. I said that I do not believe in it and was not going to have one. He then said that he was going to kill his self (still alive 2day) and that I did not care about him or our relationship this went on until Christmas When he stop saving that he was going to kill his self and that I loved this baby more than I loved our relationship and the whole9. He did not want any more children he has a 32yr DD. I was almost ready to give into him and have the abortion when I spoke with my pastor and he told me that it was my choice and it sound like my mind was made up, and that he was man that was trying to have his way. made my prenatal apt (1/6/09) and went on with my life from there. Well my father came home the day after Christmas and it was stressful.The next day I was doing some housework and went to the bathroom and there was blood on the the tissue. I debated if I should call the Dr. and I did he told me that it was normal and to call my Dr. on Mon.. Later that evening I felt really wet and went to the bathroom and there was more blood and clots I didn't call the Dr I just went to the ER and they really just told me to call my Dr. on Mon for a repeat blood work. They do an u/s but could not tell anything from that. They just did not want to tell me anything. So I went to my Dr. on Mon and 12/29 and had the blood work done it showed that the baby was still alive but not growing like should have been. On HCG was 1651 and on Mon 1723 and the nurse told me that within a couple of day Would have an miscarriage. I said you are wrong my baby is still alive and growning I can't have a miscarriage.This will be my miracle child. Well 2 day later 12/31/08 Just hours b4 my sisters wedding and while I was driving I started to miscarry. the pain was bad but the hurt in know that just 2 days b4 my baby was alive and now she/he was no longer alive. I called m Dr and he called me back and told me that I was having a miscarriage and he did not want to put me in the hospital but he was going to call in cycotex for me to take and some pain med. I wish I had know exactly what and how this drug would work I would have taken it and just ask for the dnc. For some1 like who is against abortion to have to go through all of the baby tissue, clots, bleeding, cramps, and the emotional pain this was just like an abortion to me from what I have read about it. That afternoon a grayspink tissue passed from me I cried. I still went and took part in sister's wedding ( maid of Honor) I cried the whole time and finally at the reception I took the pain med, and some hot tea and put on a good face. I had no feelings on the inside and so lonely. I finally was able to get to bed about 3:30am and sleep until 6:30 I woke up crying because I had dreamed about the baby and could not go back to sleep. I could do nothings but cry all day and when that started my daddy or DD would call me no time to grieve. By sat I was to the point of going crazy. I had stop drinking and eating so that I would not have to go the bathroom I did not want to see anymore blood or anything that was related to the baby. I know that was harming me but I could not take it anymore. Had already through 1 1/2 pack of pads and was still bleeding. Sunday morning I went to the bathroom and was sitting on the toilet and then I felt something funny and though more blood when will this end and the it hit me that was the baby so I jumped up and looked and yes it was the baby just sitting there in the toilet. I took it out and wrapped it some napkin and place it in a zipplock bag to take to the Dr. Later that afternoon I was not feeling well so I called the Dr. and she asked me if I was bleeding heavily if I was dizzy and if I felt as i I need to go the ER and I told her yes and she said that she would meet me there and never showed up. The nurse and the Dr was very kind and understanding the Dr. took the tie to talk to me about her m/c experience that gave me a comfort.Just being alone in that room was quiet time that I much needed. Then I came home and back to super women. I was to go and see my Dr. on Tues 1/6 this was my prenatal apt but now it was my post miscarriage apt. i felt even more empty and alone I tried to think of everything to laugh and smile but nothing worked. On Thurs I called the Dr back because I was having headaches and dizzy so he told me to come in on Fri and we sat and talked and we decide that with the stress of caring for my father and the miscarriage that I needed something to help me feel better and this might help with the headaches and dizzy so he prescribed Zolft the lowest dose it seems to be working and I have started to write in a journal that has Scriptures on the bottom and this very helpful. My bf is a little more supportive and yet @ times he is a little insensitive in his conversations that is something we will have to work out with each other. I still find myself holding my stomach and thinking about the baby and its not easy. I found this site a couple of weeks ago and just this week I worked up enough nerves to post with you and now I am glad that I did. Hopefully this and the journal I will be able to sleep @ night and wake up in the am without a headache and heartache.
Thank You for letting me tell my story and feelings.