Post by mekat on Aug 26, 2008 11:40:43 GMT -5
I didn't know I was pregnant until after the baby was dead. he day before I started bleeding a pregnant woman told me I was getting a pot belly and hat it was hard, just like hers.
I started really thinking that day about the illusive sickness I'd been feeling for almost two months. It wasn't normal nausea, but more like I would get ravenously starving and if I didn't eat right then I would be too nauseous to eat for hours. And the idea that all I ever wanted to eat was cheese, just cheese, and nothing else.
I wen through some strange bouts of having a strange taste, like I was sucking on a spoon, but I jut thought that was poor nutrition. (A metallic taste can be a sign of low zinc. Zinc is vital for rapid cell devision, like during illness or pregnancy.)
I was also considering the fact that I had lost 12lbs but my pants were indeed getting tight.
And that my hair and nails had literally stopped growing. I had a nail that had been broken for 5 days and was still just barely passed the quick. I'd shaved my legs over a week earlier and still it was just like next day stubble.
Also, no matter how much water I drank or lotion I used, my skin was always dried and flaking.
I told my husband that I felt like my girl energy was being sucked out.
When I found out I was pregnant (laying in the emergency room with bleeding and cramps) I new instantly that it was a girl. I thought it was a funny that I didn't have enough girl energy for two of us.
I was listening to music yesterday and the song 'Long way to happy' by Pink came on. One part particularly stuck me...
"Now I'm numb as h*ll, I can't feel a thing, but don't worry about regrets or guilt cause I never knew you're name. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all the sleepless nights and for tearing me apart."
If feels odd that someone who never really was could take me completely apart. She was just an image on an ultra sound that lasted less then 5 minutes but she changed everything I was and everything I will ever be. She's taken me completely apart and now I feel like I have to start over from scratch.
Seems unfair to call her 'the baby'.
Now I call her Nia.
I have stones in my garden that I painted every time I lost someone. All my pets, my mom, my grandmother...
And now Nia will take her place there too.
I started really thinking that day about the illusive sickness I'd been feeling for almost two months. It wasn't normal nausea, but more like I would get ravenously starving and if I didn't eat right then I would be too nauseous to eat for hours. And the idea that all I ever wanted to eat was cheese, just cheese, and nothing else.
I wen through some strange bouts of having a strange taste, like I was sucking on a spoon, but I jut thought that was poor nutrition. (A metallic taste can be a sign of low zinc. Zinc is vital for rapid cell devision, like during illness or pregnancy.)
I was also considering the fact that I had lost 12lbs but my pants were indeed getting tight.
And that my hair and nails had literally stopped growing. I had a nail that had been broken for 5 days and was still just barely passed the quick. I'd shaved my legs over a week earlier and still it was just like next day stubble.
Also, no matter how much water I drank or lotion I used, my skin was always dried and flaking.
I told my husband that I felt like my girl energy was being sucked out.
When I found out I was pregnant (laying in the emergency room with bleeding and cramps) I new instantly that it was a girl. I thought it was a funny that I didn't have enough girl energy for two of us.
I was listening to music yesterday and the song 'Long way to happy' by Pink came on. One part particularly stuck me...
"Now I'm numb as h*ll, I can't feel a thing, but don't worry about regrets or guilt cause I never knew you're name. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all the sleepless nights and for tearing me apart."
If feels odd that someone who never really was could take me completely apart. She was just an image on an ultra sound that lasted less then 5 minutes but she changed everything I was and everything I will ever be. She's taken me completely apart and now I feel like I have to start over from scratch.
Seems unfair to call her 'the baby'.
Now I call her Nia.
I have stones in my garden that I painted every time I lost someone. All my pets, my mom, my grandmother...
And now Nia will take her place there too.