Post by lostlove on May 16, 2007 12:47:18 GMT -5
Hello, I am a 27 year old who miscarried 4 1/2 years ago and have not been able to accept the fact that I lost her at 5 months into the pregnancy. I still blame myself, but I have learned to hide my feeling because it is what everyone around me needs. They say to forget about it that it was not ment to be for a reason, but I am afraid that I am to blame. I have closed up inside and have not allowed anyone in for such a long time that I have fallen into a depression that I cannot pick myself out of. The reason I blame myself is because yes I was not ready for a baby like most people aren't so I had scheduled pregnancy termination at 4wks, but could not go thru with it. My best friend and her husband offered full support and the father of the baby did too. I then accepted the pregnancy and became full of joy until I began to have problems with the farther of the baby. I just had anger toward him for no apparent reason and neither him nor I could understand why and it did not help that my best friend began telling me that she could no longer be my friend anymore because I soon would be a mother and her single life would be too different from mine. Not to say this friend was more than just a friend she was a partner whom I fell in love with but could not have. My life felt so out of place that I became so angry that I was crying, kinking and punching @ 5 months pregnant that I guess I caused the miscarriage. Soon after I began to bleed a little and the baby's father took me to the ER where I was examined. There in that cold hospital bed was were I for the first time really felt her kick. The Dr. had come into the room and examined me but said nothing. I had no pain at all. When my mother arrived I told her that I needed to go to the bathroom because I had been drinking a lot of water, so she asked for a bed pan, but the nurse told me he had checked with th MD and that it was OK to get up and walk to the bathroom, thinking that they knew better I did. My mother followed me in to assist with IV. I remember telling her that I was feeling better and had no pain at all and seemed to have stopped bleeding, but just then ans I go up I felt a little blood drip down my leg and as I was cleaning myself I caught my baby girl in the palm of my hand. She was so small and fragile. My mother quickly asked for help and took her from my hands and gave her to them because I would not stop bleeding. I was then placed in a room given morphine and don't remember anything till after the D&C when I was told there was no telling why I had miscarried such a healthy baby girl. I cried and cried because deep inside I knew it was my fault and still feel the same. This is the first time I have ever shared these feeling with anyone not even my best friend knows how I feel when it comes to baby Rachel.