How does a mother deal with 2 losses

[cat5]

Hi: my name is cathy I lost my oldest son to a accidental drowning in his apartment. He was 24 at the time and had a history of siezures. I always went by and checked on him but earlier that evening I did not go by because I had talked to him earlier and he was going to come by and see me bowl. Well he did not show and when I went by his apartment I did not see any lights on and figured he went somewhere.
Frist thing next morning I went by his apartment and his neighbor found him face in the bathtub drowned. I blame myself for his death and have lived with it for 15 years. Now my youngest son took his own life in 2004 and I have to wonder what kind of a mom I am to allow such a thing to happen. Why I did not see the signs or know what he was thinking. He was 34 when he decided life was not worth going on. My mother had passed away in March 2004 so I was trying to deal with her death. He also took his life 3 days before the anniversay date of his older brother.

Cat 5
Clyde W.Johnson 11-30-1966 * 9-21-1991
James J. Johnson 1-14-1971 * 9-18-2004

[pamela]

Oh Cat......

I am so very, very sorry for the loss of both of your precious sons. Thats just not fair, and i admit it is one of my biggest fears, losing one of my surviving children. I think I will struggle with this always.

I wish I could find the right words to comfort the awful pain you must feel daily. To lose one child is hard enough, I can't imagine losing two.

Of course I am sure if you knew that James was suffering you would have done all you could, but as someone who suffers greatly emotionally, I will tell you that I fool many people who would never guess how much I suffer daily.

I hope you will feel comfortable posting and sharing more about your losses, it really does help to "talk" with others.

Cat..I hope you don't mind me asking...but was it the effect of Clyde's death on James that caused him to take his life? i worry greatly about my son Bryan who was 14 when his brother died, he was Michael's best friend, and was with him when he died, and went through a lot that day. Right now he seems perfectly fine (as fine as you can be after going through something like that), I worry though that someday its all going to come crashing down on him.

Please come join us at LOT/A board, there are many wonderful people there, and a few have lost a child to suicide also.

take care cat...again I am very, very sorry for the loss of both of your sons.

take care,
Pam

[cat5]

Thank you Pam: I have a very hard time thinking that my other 2 sons will do the same. My other son that is left has tried to take an overdose of pillls so my worry is really true. I live in fear every day that I am going to get a call that he has suceed in doing what he failed before.
How do I get to that site to be able to talk to other people.

[pamela]

Its just the section on silent grief I am talking about, I see you posted a response to a post already on that section. Please do come and "talk" with us. I understand your fear, and I pray that you never, ever have to expereince what you have again.

Hugs and peace to you cat...

pam

[Trevon&Nevaeh'smommy]

oh cat, im so sorry for your loss. i never got to mother my children due to m/c and a s/b but nonetheless, i am a mother so if i may, can i please add my input?

life never lets us know when our children's lives are going to come to an end. it's always said that we are never to bury our children, they are supposed to bury us. im sure if there was some way you knew this would happen, you would have did everything humanly possible to prevent loosing your 2 precious boys and your mother. unfortunately, things like that are out of our grasp and the only thing we can do is put it in God's hands. i beat myself up for months thinking i should have done this/that when i was pg. but i had to stop that because it only wore me down in the ground worse that what i was. i did everything right a good mother did, i ate healthy, went to all my appts. took my prenatals, talked to my son in my belly, held him, even stopped working because of my past history. i am/ was a good mom and i still had to let my son go

so please, don't beat yourself up with that fact, your fist son died of an accident that you had no way of knowing what was going to happen. and your second son died because of many reasons you may not know but, rest assure you were a good mother, life was just to much for him.

as far as your other children that you are worried about, invite them to talk about their feelings see where they stand. if you think it is too much to handle, maybe some counseling would help? i wish there was more than i could say or do.honestly i do. im so sorry you are in the situation you are in now. i will pray for peace for your family and i too wish that you don't have to go through this again.

[tylersmom070497]

Oh cat i am so sorry about your sons.................I have 2 losses but nothing like you endured mine were 2nd trimester pregnancy losses you are a good mother you had no idea your son would have an accidental drowning this is an accident you did not CAUSE it..............Your son would not want you to feel guilty or blame yourself and for Your son That committed suicide sometimes we just cant prevent it or even know that it is that serious i know you are hurting but please believe in this your boys would not want you feeling so guilty they love you................................I am so sorry..............Lisa.

[momtojason]

Cathy,
I have had 2 losses also... I had a baby girl that lived only 2 hours in 1980 and then my son, Jason took his own life on May 19, 2006. I don't even want to think about Mother's day tommorrow. It will be my first after losing Jason. It seems so hard to say that I have buried half of my children. There is something wrong with this picture. Most people can not even comprehend the pain we are going through.
Pam