How should people react to differences?

[ericadg]

I've often wondered what to tell our kids when they ask about someone that's different. Even being in the shoes, I still don't exactly know. What's polite, respectful, etc....?

The best response we have had was right after one of her surgeries, so her birthmark was quite bright. We were in McDonalds and I could hear the young girl(3-ish) behind us asking her mom over and over what was on the other girls (Sydney's) face.

Her mom kept trying to redirect her, until she said "Why don't you go over and ask her name". She came over, Sydney and she exchanged names and ages and other little girl talk. The girl went back and the only thing she was talking about was the info she knew. I thought it was brilliant, and I wouldn't have even known to do that.

Any other ideas? If you see someone that's in a wheelchair, cane, etc...do you quietly try to explain and redirect their loud questions, or what,.........

[my4boys]

Well, having a neice that cant walk, has helped me explain things to the boys when we are at the hospital for Lilys appts. Whenever they see a child in a wheelchair or "kidcart", they say, "cool! She has a chair like Chloe!, Isnt that neat?" Things like that!

They also saw quite a bit when Lane was going to PT. We have talked all about how God has made each of us with different abilities/disabilities, and a lot of the times, the disabilities are what make us so strong!

I do have to say, though, that children are children, and regardless of how much you say/teach them, there are times when they will just feel the need to look/stare. ITs those times that we need to explain to them, that its "okay" to be curious.

I find I get the most upset at adults comments.

BTW...what an awesome story you were able to share!!!

Blessings~
Wendy

[jillgibson]

I think however the kids react is okay, but it is the adults that cause the problem. I don't try to distract Izaac when he asks about someone who is different. I feel like if I did then that would be saying to him that they have something wrong with them (kids pick up on it when their parents act "wierd" around other people). I just tell it like it is. If he asks about someone with Down's Syndrome, for example, I say plainly, "God made that person special, he has something called Down's Syndrome. Maybe we should look it up when we get home to learn more about it." I'll do something similar with Avery.

[LukeLevismommy]

I am not from this board but as an adult with mild cerebal palsy, and walk with a slight limp!
The kids are great, they are just curious, the adults are the worst though, they stare sometimes worse than the kids too! But now I am married and have a baby People don't stare anymore!

Nicole

[Corinne]

Whenever I had Tim out with me, I would much rather someone had come over to us and say Hi! than to stare or direct their own children away.

Children are curious, adults are curious. Children with their innocence will usually just come right out and ask questions. I never minded answering. Adults, I think, are afraid they are being rude or impolite or out of line to simply just ask.

[blessedmom2four]

I am also not from this board, but I have alot of experience in these situations. As some of you may know, I was born with only one finger on each hand and one two toes on each foot, as well as being legally blind. This was the result of drug use in pregnancy from my bioloigcal mother. I had surgery at two years old where they took one toe of each foot and added one toe to each of my hands so i would be able to function properly. While I have to admit it is not the nicest looking set of hands in the world, they have served me well, and i am thankful for the oppertunities they have provided me with. While there is certinaly nothing wrong with my mind, I have struggled with peoples rude stares and comments my entire life. I still have major anxiety about simple things like going out to the grocery store because of the horrible things people say and do.

so if I could suggest a few things for you to think about, and as I am sure most of you on this board have children with disabilities, this may give you a bit of insight into what they are feeling.

When you see someone stareing at your child, chances are your child notices as well, The best possible thing to do is directly but poilitly comfront that person and ask if they would like to know what happened. More often then not people will stop stareing and leave you alone.

I have to admit that children stareing have never bother me, because i know they dont understand and are just curious, however, i often find it interesting that parents will come along beside there children while they are stareing and say stupid things such as, dont stare at the retarded girl honey. In what reality does a few missing fingers make someone mentaly diasbled?

I remeber many hhurtful things said to me over the years as a child, and one of the most hurtful things is when people would direct questions about me to my parents, they would gently and poilitly direct those people to me and suggest that they ask me any questions they might have. I appreaciated my parents so much. I belive if they had of sheltered me from peoples comment and stares that i would have een more shocked and axiety ridden then i was when i became an adult.

so while this has turned into more of a vent then anything, I would envourage those of you with children with disabilities of any type, to consider helping your children to stand up and defend themselves with explaniations, as it will only help them in the long run. Hope that helps a little.
Liz

[wuvmyangel93]

Liz is absolutely right.

My daughter has No physical disabilities, but with the autism and bipolar can have severe mood swings and temper tantrums.

She knows she has autism and she tries to hold it together in public now.

Some of the kids will call her a brat and other mean names, now she will look at them and say something to this effect.

I am not a brat, I have autism it is a neurological condition that affects how my brain works. Instead of being able to control my emotions, sometimes my emotions control me.

Now most kids wont understand her and will ask what does neurological mean and she will explain it.

She's 11, but has always used big words.

When she was younger around 3-4 and still in the stoller due to walking being painful kids would ask why she was being a baby. I would politely explain and say you know I bet she would love to play with you if you ask, but remember she walks really slow.

The kids were great they would let her set the pace and they played beautifully.

Its truly the adults and esp. teachers that will see the negative behavior and only focus on what a "horrid brat" she is, so spoiled a good spanking will fix that.

[Corinne]

Liz, thank you for sharing your story and giving us a first hand perspective.

I had no idea that all this had happened to you. I truly admire your courage and strength.

Kali-Morie could teach us all a thing or two. Good for her standing up for herself. You taught her well, congrats to you. She sounds like a peach!

[tess]

I, too, am not from this board...however having worked in a group home for children (age 5-21) with physical and mental disabilities, and having family members who fit the description -- I had to share my experience.

Working in a group home we often took the kids on "outings" to Wal-Mart, the park, etc. The number of people who would just stop and stare as we were unloading wheelchairs was astounding! At one point I was entering a store with a girl with CP and Downs, and another girl with severe autism and I heard the comment from a high-school aged group, "Hey, look! It's retard day at Wal-Mart." Well, I replied: "I don't appreciate your comment and, believe it or not these children have feelings that CAN be hurt with thoughtless rude comments like the one you just made. I think you should apologize to these kids."
Well -- they turned all red-faced and said, "whatever" and started to walk off. BUT the store manager happened to have heard the entire thing and escorted the group of them out of the store for "harassing other customers!"
I thought it was priceless!

But -- as far as what parents should say when kids are staring or asking questions. I answer as honestly as I can. If I see my DD staring at someone who is different than she I tell her it is not polite to stare at people and ask her if she has any questions. She almost always does. We have been known to greet someone she has been curious about with a "Hello" or just a smile and a "good morning" -- but usually I try to explain things (CP, Downs, wheelchairs, crutches, broken bones, eye patches, head bandages....you name it, she's curious about it) and after she asks and I answer she says, "Can I say 'hi' to him/her?"

and...of course she can.