How to cope

[lissy]

Hey girls! I need some help with understanding why some things happen. Me and my husband have been married for 4 years. We are high school sweet hearts so actually we have been together for 10 years. We have wanted children from the get go. After being married for 3 years we decided that we needed help getting pregnant. First we thought that it was just me. That my ovulation cycle was not right. So I went on clomid. After three cycles of that, the doctor decided to test my Husband. We found our problem. His sperm dies during the cycle of becoming a sperm. On top of that my sister, who was only married for 3 months gets pregnant. It was quite a blow to our marriage and just our selfs in general. Then we decided to adopt. After dong alot of research we found out that adoption was just to expensive. Then some good luck came our way. Through a family member we found a girl who want to give her baby up for adoption. Still not knowing if we could afford it, we agreed to meet her. She was so nice. She was like an angle. She told us that she had epilepsy and a daughter who had spinabifida and could not handle a nother child. The father wanted her to have an abortion, but she told him that abortion was out of the question. She had said that she was not taking the meds for her epilepsy, because that is what has caused the spinabifida in her first child. She said that she had had only 2 seizures since she had gotten pregnant. At the end she chose us. It was like a dream come true. She wanted us there for everything. Said that it was our baby. We went to a sonogram appointment. It was so wonderful. I cried when I heard the heart beat. We found out that it was going to be a boy. We named him Kolby Christopher. We even found a way to afford every thing. For one month we were the three happiest people on the earth. I went to another appointment with her and every thing seemed ok. Then that weekend we got a call that she had died and our 19 wk old son had too. She had suffocated due to a seizure. We had grown so close. It would have been hard to lose just the baby, but to lose such a special friend. It hurts so bad. she is a true hero in my eyes. I just do not know what to do with all the hurt and anger inside. I look at my nephew and think my baby would be doing that . Where do I go from here? I thought you might have some coping techniques.

[Kim]

I'm so sorry! It brought tears to my eyes. Our stories are so similar except I have the problem ovulating. We've thought of adoption too, but it is so very expensive. I know a lot of places give out loans for it too, but in this day and age, we're not making enough to even pay off a loan if we get it (which I'm sure we wouldn't due to our credit). People keep saying, I'll give you my baby. There is a girl I work with and her friend is pregnant. Her friend is in jail for drug posession and she wants my friend to take her baby. That friend wants me to adopt it, but to do it formerly you still need money for a lawyer and home visits and all that. My dad says if they made adoption easier on both ends, there wouldn't be any children stuck in foster homes or orphanages, which is true.

Dealing with the hurt and anger though, there is no quick fix. We lost a baby last year at 15 w 1d and I still hurt. Gradually with the time, I stopped crying every day, and moved to maybe twice a month. The hurt is still there, the longing. I don't think it ever goes away. I am not as angry as I was, still have bout of it, but now it's bitterness and I don't like that at all.

Sometimes I take a bath and scream underwater. That helps a little. If I exericise it seems to get out some of the rage. I try and write out how I feel on here too. That helps.

I'm so sorry....

Kim

[becca]

Lissy and Kim ... I am so sorry for all the hurt you have experienced. Lissy, your original question was How do you cope? That is a very good question. Writing out your feelings in a journal or through poetry can be helpful. You don't need to be an eloquent writer, as you may be the only one who ever reads what you write. I did some of this and found it helpful to go back and see how far I had gotten in coping with the grief and disappointment and shock.

Another great way to cope is to join a support group. There are local support groups through SHARE (pg and infant loss) and through RESOLVE (infertility) around the country. There are also independent groups. Call some of the larger churches and the hospitals in your area. I'd bet there are support groups near you. You can also check out these websites"

www.nationalshareoffice.com - SHARE Pg and Infant Loss Support, Inc.
and
www.resolve.org - RESOLVE Infertility Support

Both of those websites have searches for local contact ans local groups.

Also, I do want to say a bit about adoption. Not every road to adoption costs money. We are adopting two awesome babies (now 3yo and 22 mo old) through foster/adopt. If you go through your state or county child welfare agency, there are no expenses to you and you can even get financial help for lots of regular daily living expenses related to raising the child (esp. medical and daycare). I know lots of people think the only kids adoptable through foster care are children with severe disabilities. That is simply NOT true. But, I do like to be upfront with people that foster/adopt requires something more of you than money ... it requires your heart and soul. At times, it requires you to be the only one standing up for what is right for your children. We like to say that what we have not had to spend in money, we have spent in blood, sweat and tears. But, it is so worth it. When I get frustrated about working in the "system" to get these children adopted, I try to remember that this is only for a season of our lives as a family. If I took out some astronomical loan for adopting from another country, it might take me until they go to college to pay it off. I might have to work a second or third job to make ends meet all because of that loan. This way, I spend all of that time with my children instead. Also, when adopting privately or internationally, you can spend a lot of time waiting to be chosen or matched ... all of that time with empty arms. With foster/adopt, I guarantee you your arms will be full of hugs and your face full of kisses every day as you walk the adoption journey. Just some thoughts on that. It's not for everyone, but wanted to give you both something to think about. I am always open to answering ANY questions or addressing ANY concerns anyone may have about foster/adopt. Just ask.

Hugs,

Becca

[Kim]

First of all I want to say that the Share place is wonderful. I just completed a survey for them and I get their newsletter.

I have somewhat thought of foster care. It bothers me to know that you could take care of a child, get to love them, and then have them placed back with their biological parents or someone else adopts them. I don't know if I could do that. We're still trying to conceive right now. But we will see where that takes us....

Kim

[becca]

hoping76 said:

It bothers me to know that you could take care of a child, get to love them, and then have them placed back with their biological parents or someone else adopts them.

Kim - Having a foster child returned to bio parents is a valid concern. There was a time when that was technically a possibility in our case. But, after talking with family members, we were convinced that Sanora would not be returned to bparents. And, we have always had bfamily support to adopt the children. Once Robbie was born with the particular problem he had at the time, we were further convinced that fate was sealed ... even if not to happen quickly. Everyone worries about having children come and go in a foster situation. It does happen and you are right to be concerned about it. I always tell people to ask a ton of questions and be sure that the child will not be returned to bparents before you say yes to the placement. Most people are surprised to find out that there are MANY children in foster care who will not return to bparents. The challenge is to get one placed with you, but it can be done. People are often surprised to find out that about 70% of all children in foster care will be adopted by family members or a nonbiological family. That's 7 out of 10 children! The state agencies would like people to believe that they are constantly putting families back together. Well, maybe they do, but how many of those families successfully STAY together? Not as many as you would think. Another way to look at it is this: the odds of adopting a foster child are better than for a healthy person to get pg and deliver a full-term baby.

You mentioned that you would be afraid someone else might adopt that child. I wanted you to know that once a child is in your care for 12 months, the state can not disrupt that placement without just cause ... meaning a founded abuse complaint against you or your dh. Foster/adopt parents are simply to scarce for the state to go around disrupting a good placement just to place with someone else. After 12 months, they can't even disrupt the placement to put the child with siblings. So, the lesson here is to know where all the siblings and half-siblings are and if the bmom is pg at the time you take the child (or shortly after). You never know ... you may get two for one like we did! LOL (Bmom was pg when we accepted Sanora. We were blessed to have Robbie join us that next spring.)

I realize you both might not be thinking of adoption that seriously right now, but I mostly wanted to make sure you understand that adoption does not HAVE to cost money.

Hugs,

Becca

[lissy]

Thank you Becca for the information that you shared on foster/adopt. I have some of the same fears that Kim did. I am glad that your situation is working out. My parents were foster parents and I seen allot of children go back into the same bad sanero. But it was never really young children. I hope that everything works out for you and will keep you in my prayers. I will keep that option open, but for right now I think that my husband and I are going to wait a while on pursuing an adoption. I never thought of adopting that way. Many of my family members suggested that we become foster parents, but I had the fear that I would have to give them back. Even if there parents had changed (yeah right) it would just break my heart. We still plan to adopt. My sister is determined that we will be starting back in the process soon. We just need time to get over our loss. It has only been 2 weeks since Julie and Kolby died. I am having a hard time still coming to terms with all of it. Everyone tells me that things happen for a reason and that some day I will see the big picture. I guess I just do not have my "big picture" glasses on. I see nothing good out of what happened. Julie is gone, our baby is gone, and a 5 year old little girl does not have a mother. The only comfort that I have is that all of Julie's family told us that she was the happiest that she had been in the last month than she had been for a while. I know that she is taking good care of Kolby and that she does not have to worry any more. I just hope that everything goes ok with her little girl. Thanks for your information. I will talk it over with my husband.

Lissy

[innocencelost]

:::visiting from the stillbirth board:::

Our state/county (California) requires couples to have been married for FIVE YEARS before fostering/adopting. =0(.

[becca]

Carolyn - I know there are some goofy rules about foster/adopt out there, but I've never heard that one. I would think that would be illegal. Here anyone can adopt as long as they can pass the homestudy. Married, living together, single, etc. Marriage status nor sexual preference (is that the way to say it??) are reasons to be turned down for foster/adopt ... at least not in and of themselves. I'd be asking more questions if I lived in your area and was interested in foster/adopt.

Becca

[Kim]

Hmmm...you have made me think about fostering children. I still would love to keep trying on our own for the time being. But I still love to help people, and would love to foster. Ideas floating in my head. I don't know too much about Ohio foster family law. I just might look into it though. The other concern I have currently is that our house is rather tiny. It'd be ok for babies, but when they get older, we'll definately have to move. I'll be saving for that once i get my credit card paid down.

But that you very much for the information!!!

I'm so glad it working out for you!

Kim

[becca]

hoping76 said:

I still would love to keep trying on our own for the time being.

We continued treatment through our licensing process and for about six months after we got Sanora. We stopped treatment partly because we wanted to focus on Sanora, but mostly because my body had had enough at that time. Through that approximately a year timeframe of doing both treatments and licensing for foster/caring for Sanora, I found the two to be complementary. When there was much stress or "waiting" in one arena, I could focus on the other instead. It worked for us. ;D

[lissy]

How do go get started in the fostering programs? Our house is small too. Can you put in for just a small child or do you have to take what you get? I just wondered on where to start my home work. I would like to do some more research. At our library everything is pretty out dated. I found that out when we were doing research on infertility. I am really curious. But I would like to know more.


Thanks,
Allissa

[becca]

Allisa - I noticed that you are from Kansas, so I did a quick google search for foster parenting in Kansas. The state of Kansas has the following website that looks pretty user-friendly and comprehensive. Check that out. I hope that helps.

www.accesskansas.org/fostercare/tba_fp.htm

Also, you asked about ages you would accept. In Illinois, you can specify what ages you feel you are capable of taking. Also, the number of children (related or unrelated) and the races you feel are appropriate for your home and family. I know the race issue is a huge debate. While it SHOULDN'T be an issue, from a practical standpoint, if often is. For example, we are caucasian and are from a small town with MAYBE two African-American families and MAYBE ten Hispanic families. Also, some of my extended family members did not have good things to say about it when we presented the possibility of adopting from China or Korea. We worried about how a child of a different race than caucasian would be treated by our family and community. While we realize that this is sad and it is mostly THEIR problem, from a practical standpoint, it would be the child's problem and our problem. In other words, we didn't feel like a child of a race other than Caucasian would get all the support and love they deserve and need. Therefore, we chose to only accept Caucasian children. (Still, I would love to open our home to a child of another culture someday if things would change.) Likewise, with our infertility issues and not having had the opportunity to raise a child from infancy, we felt that we needed to take a baby first ... then maybe consider older children later. We were afraid we would resent not having the experience of raising a baby and having those feelings affect our parenting. It's all about what's fair to and best for the potential children coming into your home. So, yes, you can restrict the age, sex, number of children, and race/cultural background of the children you will consider.

I hope that link helps you. It looks like a lot of good information.

Becca

[lissy]

Becca,
Thanks for the web sight. I have been really talking it over with my husband. And we are willing to really look in to it. There are some classed we have to take. They will inform us of how the system works in Kansas. Plus with talking with my family I have found a lady who only takes in babies that are at the in between and are waiting to be adopted. She said that she will help us out. I am really excited. Is that wrong? It still really hurts about Kolby and Julie. But I want to me a mother so bad. Thank you for all the info that you have given to me.

As for hoping 76,
There is always a risk when adopting. Weather it be private or through the system. In a private the mother can always change her mind up until she signs the papers or you could have what happed to us. It is great that you still want to keep trying. If we could have one of our own that would be GREAT!!!! There would not be the fears that adoption has with it. I just have so much love and want to be a mommy so bad. We have been so close and just the feeling that my husband and I got for that short time was so wonderful. It is ten times greater than anything I ever felt. I just want to feel that way again. I hate the waking up every morning and being in such pain. Starting over will never replace Kolby, but I can not keep from moving on. I hope that this helps some what. Children, I think ,are the most joyous and scary things. Weather you are having one of your own or adopting. They all want the same thing ..........LOVE!!Good luck to you and I hope that you will have one of you own!!!!!!
[glow=purple,2,300]((((((((HUGS))))))))[/glow]

Allissa