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Post by angelaryan on Nov 1, 2005 14:44:54 GMT -5
Mindie - I am sorry for your loss and hope that your struggles lessen. Don't worry what is normal. Whatever you feel is normal for you. I personally haven't had the gender concerns. I believe God will give you what you need and can handle. If you have a boy, are you going to think of Andrew while raising him? Is that best? Is it fair? (I don't mean to be upsetting or unkind, but it is something to think about.) I am 27 weeks pregnant and I still think about the baby that I miscarried. I think we all do. That is normal. When you have this baby, you are going to love it so much and you will still miss Andrew and Jellybean. Hugs! Angie
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Post by mistygrl70 on Nov 1, 2005 15:00:51 GMT -5
Please dont think I'm being rude.
After losing Andrew and having a m/c how can u possible let gender bother you that bad?
Personally, I think what you're going through is normal. However, having lost a baby as well.. the only thing I am concerned about is that we have a live healthy baby.
You will ALWAYS be a Mom to a boy. Andrew will ALWAYS be your son. Nothing wrong w/missing him or thinking about him.. or even wanting him with you!
I think you need to give urself a few weeks to relax a little.. come to terms w/being pregnant and not having Andrew to share in the joys of a new brother/sister.
Best wishes, I hope you find the peace you're lookin for/need.
*hugz*
Darlene
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Post by andrewsmommy on Nov 1, 2005 15:24:11 GMT -5
I have delted my posts because I knew no one would understand. I didn't want anyone to think I was heartless or a bad person but I guess the feelings and thoughts I am having are just not acceptable, not even here.
I guess these are just some emotional issues I will have to face on my own. I know no one ment to hurt my feelings but I have to admit I am sitting here crying. I am not a bad person, really. I just had worries. Maybe it is just my hormones.
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Post by Heaven&Earth on Nov 1, 2005 15:25:11 GMT -5
(((Mindie))) What you are feeling is totally normal. I would not be honest if I didn't say that I wished for a boy. Now if asked, I'd say I didn't care, and really, deep down, I didn't. I wanted a baby to love on Earth. A sibling for Kennedy. But I always always always wanted a son. And to be honest, I'm still trying to come to terms with never having a son. But you know what, it doesn't make me love either of my daughters any less. You know more than anyone here how much my girls mean to me. And a pregnancy after a loss is an emotional roller coaster. You grieve all over for the child that you lost, you wish you had them still or oculd have them back. You haven't "met" this child yet or had a chance to bond with him/her. Try not to stress about these things or be hard on yourself. I know you are a good person, as does anyone here who knows you, and a pregnancy after a loss will do crazy things to your thoughts, hormones, emotions. You may even feel crazy at times . Just know that we're here and we understand. And even more, we love and accept you no matter what you think or feel. And if you're really bothered by this, ask yourself this: If Andrew had been a Rebecca, would you be feeling the same way? Would you have loved a Rebecca and missed a Rebecca as much as you do Andrew? Wouldn't you have gotten used to the thought of being a mom to a girl instead of to a boy? When we lose a child, we lose so much. Not just that child, but all of our hopes, dreams, thoughts of what that child would be like, how we'd parent that child, etc. The feelings you're having are part of that. I was very angry when I was ttc Addison. I wasn't suppossed to be ttc again, ever. I only wanted 2 kids. And that was part of my way of grieving my loss. Just like what you're feeling is part of your way of grieving Andrew.
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Post by mistygrl70 on Nov 1, 2005 15:38:30 GMT -5
Mindie I wasn't trying to upset you. My deepest apologies if I have.
I am not you. I am in no position to judge. Not everyone thinks the same way I do....
I do know when I was first pregnant this time I was an emotional rollar coaster...thinking I shouldn't be doing this.. I should be preparing for my baby's first birthday! A lot of my time was spent thinking about the baby I lost.. the dreams.. the hopes.. the anticipation...I also believe when you lose a child during pregnancy or after or anytime.. you lose a part of you. I can truly say I am not the same person I was last year. Good in some ways.. not good in others.
I hope God gives you the peace you need.
Again my heartfelt apologies for upsetting you..
Darlene
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Post by Heaven&Earth on Nov 1, 2005 16:10:00 GMT -5
deleted
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Post by mistygrl70 on Nov 1, 2005 16:18:56 GMT -5
As I previously said...
My intentions certainly weren't to upset anyone. If my apologies aren't good enough o well.. guess you're all better then me then.
No I didn't have a still birth.
I still lost a baby.. which was difficult for me to get over since prior to losing that baby I had been pregnant 4 times and have 4 healthy children.
I can not/will not apologize anymore then what I already have. I think the multiple apologies are enough.
If you have a problem w/me feel free to p/m me about it not take it up w/me here on the boards.
And as far as *hugz*.. that's all I can do for anyone on here.. it was also my way of showing no ill intent was involved in my post. I was not angry or upset.. I just didn't understand ... im entitled to that as we all are.
Truthfully, I firmly believe deep inside everyone we have a gender preference when we are pregnant. ..even me. I just haven't given a whole lot of thought to it to be truthful.
As far as making it past 8 weeks? HA! Every week ..every day is an accomplishment for anyone pregnant. As we all know.. anything can happen to anyone or thier baby at ANY stage in pregnancy.
I apologized over and over and that's all I can do.
If it's not accepted.. or even attempted to b understood..then so be it.
Darlene
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Post by Heaven&Earth on Nov 1, 2005 16:47:33 GMT -5
Darlene, my apologies. I deleted my post very shortly after I posted it. I was upset on Mindies behalf bc I know how hurt she is. I hadn't read your apology when I posted it, I had just read a message from Mindie. It was very premature of me to come and say what I did. I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings. I really try not to cause any conflict, esp. here. Mindie is a very good friend of mine (here and IRL) and I just acted rashly before I thought about the consequences.
As I said in the post I deleted, I'm not saying a miscarriage is any less of a loss, it is just different. Often those of us who get pg after a stillbirth have a multitude of issues to deal with that most people don't understand. Even someone who has had a loss themselves. I meant no disrespect to you in that comment.
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tbear
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tbear on Nov 1, 2005 18:18:12 GMT -5
Hey Mindie,
I'm not sure what was in your original post, but I think I may understand what it was about and hope you know that whatever you are feeling is understood here.
After Rose was stillborn, and I was pregnant again, I struggled a lot with every aspect of the pregnancy. It reopened the wounds of the loss and was difficult. When I found out I was having another girl, it broke my heart a little bit because I didn't want another girl, I just wanted the one I lost. does that make sense? I was so happy and blessed to be pregnant, but it was hard to feel any of those feelings until the pregnancy was over and I had a baby to hold.
So if you have emotional issues surrounding the gender, that's OK. I went back and forth over what would be 'easier'...another girl or a little boy. Bottom line is, nothing makes it easier. The pregnancy was difficult but now I love and cherish my little girl and am grateful that she's in our family.
Congrats on the pregnancy, by the way, I must have missed the announcement while the boards were down!
Tiff
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traci
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by traci on Nov 1, 2005 18:26:04 GMT -5
Mindie,
I have no idea which way the post was worded, but I can tell you that I relate in some ways. My loss was at 18 weeks, but I wanted a boy SO badly just so that I could live the "mom of a son" life. Yes, I KNOW I have a son no matter what -- but I don't get to LIVE it -- I'll never have a son to take to football practice, etc. YES, I have a daughter that I am so blessed to have and I will get to do things with her that I wouldn't have with a boy, but I have still been upset at times ... That not only did I lose Austin, but I lost the "boy" part of my parenting.
Natalie is our last child -- and there are still times that I feel cheated out of a son. I love her with every part of my being, but her brother isn't here and I'm bitter about it.
***hugs****
Love, Traci
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Post by karakim on Nov 1, 2005 21:25:36 GMT -5
Mindie,
I did not get to see your original post but I just wanted to let you know that whatever you are feeling ITS OK, and even if it doesnt feel like it, it IS accpetable. Of course no one will understand how you feel. Even someone who has had a loss simillar to yours, wont feel the same as you. Because every loss is different for everyone, and that is one reason that child loss makes us moms feel so isolated. I do have one living child already, a boy. And I always thought I wanted 2 boys. Then I got pg again when he was 2 and thats when I lost my David. He was only 16 weeks along but I still had to give birth to him, and see him. It was truly heartbreaking. I did have some gender issues coming into this pg . . .a lot actually. Before I got pg this time I felt like I was owed another boy, and I thought I would just die if I didnt get him. But then after I was actually pg, the thought of having another boy terrified me. I didnt want to always be comparing him to David, and wondering if thats what David would have been like. And I thought to myself I already have my 2 boys, its just that one of them is in heaven. It turns out I am having a girl afterall, which I am glad. But I think if it had turned out this one was a boy too, I would have gotten over it, and of course I would not have loved him any less. But I think its totally normal to have a lot of mixed feelings about the sex either way! Another "theory" I have is that maybe one of the reasons I was so scared to have a boy after I actaully got pg was because deep down inside me somewhere I already knew this baby was a girl, and I was already bonding with her?? The only reason I say that is because it was so unusual for me to want a girl. My first two pregnancies, and even before I got pg I thought I NEVER wanted a girl. I am such a tom-boy and I have 2 older brothers, what would I do with a girl?? Everyone that knew me thought it was really unlike me that I actually wanted a girl this time! But maybe thats because it is a girl!! So, Im not sure if this is what you were saying, but if you are really hoping for a boy. . .maybe it is?? I think God gives us only what we can handle, He knows us better than we know ourselves. Boy or Girl, I know you will be very happy with your little one in the end.
Kim
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