Already??

[my2angels]

Tonight it hit me ~ tomorrow will mark the 18 week mark that I said hello then goodbye to my angel Quinn ...4 and a half months...I just can't believe it.

It seems just like yesterday, but yet, such a long time ago...and now DH and I are going to be TTC soon?? There are times when I feel like I am going to be betraying her, has anyone else felt that way when TTC after losing their angels?

It hurts so badly just thinking about how she is supposed to be in our arms and in our home. She would be about a month old, keeping us up all hours of the night, and we are supposed to be hearing her giggle and seeing her smile .

I am supposed to be excited about Christmas... taking her out shopping with me and showing her off to the world. I am supposed to be picking out the cutest Christmas outfit for her to wear , not dreading the holiday at all.

But instead, I have a headstone at a cemetery to go see and talk to .

I'm sorry to be dumping this on you guys, I just miss her so darn much, it's killing me inside. I feel as though my "plastic smile" is wearing off ~ I can't hide under it any more.

I guess that's the thing..it's my "new normal"..

Thanks for listening/reading...I don't know what I would do without you guys .

HUGS,
Cass

[andrewsmommy]

We all have those days when we go "dang." In know I had one of those today myself. My mother said "hey be happy, this time next year you will have a little one" And I thought, but I should have a little one right this momment.

The first Christmas is the hardest. It is hard to find any joy. And it is okay not to be in the holiday spirit. Things should have been so different for all of us and all we can do is remember and hurt some times. There is nothing that will take away that longing and loss of the dream of our little ones and what they would and should be doing today. Be gentle on yourself. If you feel like avoiding everyone and everything christmas this year, do so.

As for being to soon to ttc, only you will know that. But as far as betraying, no your not. Our little ones taught us how to love deeper then we ever knew we can and they understand that we need to have a little brother or sister for them so we can share the love they taught us about.

(((HUG))) ttc is emotional, and being pregnant again, even more so. But we will be here to hold your hand when your ready.

[my2angels]

Thanks Mindie...you always seem to have the right words. I'm sure that I will definitely need some hand holding in the near future...thanks!

HUGS,
Cass

[chantal74]

Hi Caa,

You took some of the words right out of my mouth. We are thinking of TTC soon as well but are scared silly. All those what if questions linger in my head and I wonder if I'll be okay emtionally during the pregnancy.

I have grabbed a wonderful book "Trying Again" which has been helpful to me. I'm a reader, all of a sudden I have 4 books to help me. Dont' know how that happened.

I like you am not too excited about Christmas. I'm worried that I will be very sad through the whole holidays.

I'm am scheduled to return to work on the 26th of December, imagine! I will be returning in the new year. I have told my supervisor not to expect me until then. I couldn't possibly return right after Christmas.

Take Care
Chantal

[kaha]

Cass, I can relate so much to your feelings. This evening in May when I learnt that Piotrus died seems to be yesterday and many years ago at the same time.

I also sometimes think that having another baby would be a betrayal to Piotrus. Or I cannot imagine that I will be able to love this different baby, I am afraid of that too. But deep in my heart I know that I want to be mommy again, that Piotrus would not be my only child anyway and he would not like our family to stop growing because he had to leave us. When we meet together in heaven, there will just be more of us and there will be more fun

Neither you nor I had been given the chance to save our babies. Quinn knows that you love her with all your heart and I am sure that she would love to have little brother or sister.

I am ttc currently so if would like to talk to me, please free to e-mail me or maybe talk on MSN. I would love to
(((hugs)))

[ryanandciansmum]

Hi Cass,

It's been a while since I posted, but have been reading almost everyday. I'm sorry you are feeling so down, but it is so hard with the holidays approaching. Like you, I am constantly wondering what my boys would be like if they were with me. This Christmas was supposed to be our happiest....

I know what you mean about feeling like you are betraying Quinn by ttc again. It's a tough decision after loss. But she will play a role in your journey to having another baby - she is there as a guardian angel and a big sister to watch over her little sibling(s) to come.