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Post by beckjessie on Nov 18, 2005 11:06:27 GMT -5
night time is still the hardest time i sit i cry because i am all alone there is nothing i am "meant" to do. my baby is sleeping and my head is filled with thoughts of my little love my little tiny girl who is not with me, i cry because i loved her so much i cry because i had so little time and i cry from fear of dreaming of the day i lost her, its been just over a year now and the pain is so intense i remember all the beautiful dreams we had for her i remember i always knew it was a girl and the tears i cried every time i saw her on the ultrasound or heard her heartbeat such a beautiful sound, but then i remember i cant see her anyomre or hear her heartbeat that she is gone is was only here for such a short time but what an impact she made in our lives i miss her so dearly. I miss what i will never have with her her smile her laugh or seeing her grow, i love that i was able to hold her for a few days i love that she had my chin and my nose my husbands ears but there is still so much about her i feel i dont know. I love my baby girl with such a passion i loved her from the very first moment we tried to concieve her the joy we felt when she was concieved. I long to hold her to just kiss her again just for a moment just one more time but i know that there can never be one more time it so final so hard such powerful emotions when i think of her such joy such pain does it ever get any easier? do the memories of pain ever dull?
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Post by my3girls on Nov 18, 2005 11:58:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry honey. I don't know how to answer the healing questions - I just know that 3 months later it is a little easier for me to go on with my day - - - - but I have nothing to compare with your experience. I was so new in my pg & Piglet was still a dream for me & you held the reality. Somedays I wish I knew what my Piglet would have looked like & somedays I know that there is no way I could deal with the level of pain you must have. I am so sorry that this has happened to you ~ Brie
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Post by hunterandbethsmom on Nov 18, 2005 13:52:54 GMT -5
It does seem to get a little easier with time. I know I still have the nights where I can't sleep, and then the days where all I want to do is sleep. Most of the time, I am ok. Everyone heals in there own times, and they are all different.
I will be keeping you in my thoughts...
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kaha
Full Member
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Post by kaha on Nov 18, 2005 13:55:09 GMT -5
Nights can be so dark and so silent. Pictures of "what should have beens" and "what we went through" can go constantly through our heads. Sometimes I still cannot believe it all happened and it still hits me how powerful missing my baby can be. How suddenly it comes and how intense it is. Sometimes I am afraid of what else is there I will be missing about him and how painful it will be. There are days when I know how to live with this pain and there are others, when I feel completly hopeless, because, as you wrote, it is all so final and nothing can ever be done about our babies' death. But I keep on hoping one day I will be able to think about my child and smile without tears waiting in the background. I hope this time will come for you too. I wish you find some peace
(((hugs)))
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Post by McKenzie's Memory on Nov 18, 2005 15:45:44 GMT -5
Time does heal the pain but you'll always feel it but you will learn how to deal with it better. Around my daughters birthday and holidays it's hard for me still and it will be 6 years that she's been gone on 2-24. Your in my prayers!
((((((Angel Hugs))))))
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Post by mypreciousashley on Nov 18, 2005 21:07:45 GMT -5
I dont know how to answer the question of healing you are asking either. It has still only been one month and two days for me and twelve hours. I cry at night and its very hard for me also to sleep. I lay down and I think like you do. I think about the dreams I had planned for my precious Ashley baby. I think of the love I had for her and how hard it was when I lost her. I get scared because I started to contract in the night and the memories come back to me. I can see the hole entire thing taking place again. I can relate to how you feel. I wish I could take this pain away but I dont know how. I do care and hope it does get easier. It seems so hard right now.
Debbie (((((HUGS)))))))
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Hannah's Mommy
Full Member
Be miserable or be motivated; but always be yourself!
Posts: 471
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Post by Hannah's Mommy on Nov 19, 2005 9:34:55 GMT -5
Oh sweetie I am sending you some cyber hugs!!! I know for me that the memories and the pain are still there; just a little easier to cope with. The what if's will always be a part of our lives. I know my heart does a flip flop when I see a little girl Hannah's age or with her name. At first it is pain; then it goes straight to a feeling of her little way to sneak a visit. We all cope differently for what we can handle... just embrace whatever feelings you are having and give yourself permission to feel them. I will keep you close in my thoughts.
Take Care,
Alea
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Post by andrewsmommy on Nov 21, 2005 8:22:59 GMT -5
We all wish we could have just one more time with our little ones. That thought hurts so much because we can't. It is so amazing how powerful emotions can be. There is such joy in remembering our little ones and such pain at the same time. Over time those two emotions that are at such very different ends of the spectrum tend to mello and become the emotion bittersweet. The feeling of, yes this is wrong and sucks, but the joy of remembering your little one will out weigh the negative (but the negative never goes away.)
The memories of pain do dull to an extent. What I mean is you learn to live with the pain. It integrates into who you are so it doesn't seem as harsh because you have learned how to cope with it. You adapt. Time does not heal all wounds. Nothing could heal this, but time gives you the skills to learn to live with it. One day you will smile again and laugh and that is great. You may feel guilty about being happy, but don't. It is just a sign that you are learning to live with loss.
Life does get eaiser over time. I will not lie to you though, there are times when I still have momments (and yes usually at night) It is amazing how you can be walking along and something will blind side you, even after a year or so. But on a daily bases, you do learn to cope and live with it. You will never be the same again, but you do find most of yourself again. And at least for me, I am a better person now because of lossing my Andrew. I am more compasionate, I find more joy in simple things, I don't take time and people for granted, I am stronger then I ever thought I would be. So the new me is just as good, if not better then who I left behind, but of course I wish I had never had to learn all these things.
You will survive and we will be here to help you do that.
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