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Post by hunterandbethsmom on Nov 15, 2005 8:04:23 GMT -5
As a lot of you know, I work in our local hospital Emergency Room...and I have for almost 3 years. Well, I am sure that a lot of you know the stress that can come with that, since most of us began our journeys there.
If you are new in grief, this is a sad story, please don't read it if you are not prepared...this is very graphic to those of you new to loss, and others who might be at a sensitive time in their grief.
About 6am Monday morning, we got a call on the radio that we were getting a code (full cardiac arrest). This is fairly normal...so we start getting things ready in the trauma room. Then....it comes over the radio...the last thing you want to hear. Pediatric....CPR in progress....5 month old.
I was stunned at first, then I kicked into "EMT" mode, and didn't think about it. I ran to the back doors, and met the ambulance. I opened the doors to the truck, and helped them get the baby into the ER....then, I ran out to the waiting room...the parents were my mission. I had something telling me to go out there.
This is where I went numb....
Here, I see young parents, scared to death...
To keep this simpler, I am leaving out A LOT!!! This was the most DIFFICULT thing I have been through since my babies death.
I stayed with the parents...I cradled the mother, let her cry, talked to her....and I was numb. I never shed a tear. I was there when the pediatrician came in to tell them the most devastating news you will ever hear....still I never cried. I stayed with them as long as I could, until they left. My shift ended, so I came home. I thought, that surely, I could cry...once no one was watching....still, I never cried.
I still, haven't cried.
I WANT TO CRY!
Why is it, that I am totally unable to cry anymore? I am so hardened from my grief, that nothing can make my cry anymore...and I don't like that.
I apologize I upset any of you with my story, I left out as much as I could to make it easier to read....
Do any of you know this??? I just want to know, when I will "feel" again??
Tomorrow, my son would have been 3 years old....
And I don't think I will be able to cry.
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Post by kaydensmommy on Nov 15, 2005 8:24:11 GMT -5
I am so sorry that you had such a terrible night. It breaks my heart that another mother had to lose the most precious gift in the world. The story really touched me since my only l/c is 5 months old.
About 7 months after Kayden died I found myself unable to cry anymore. I was just so tired of crying and I think I finally went numb from the pain. During that period i also didnt want to look at Kayden's pictures. AFter a few months I did begin to cry again and it felt good to be able to do so. There are a lot of things that I used to cry over that I just dont anymore so Kaydens death defintaly hardened me in many ways.
We all go through different phases in our grief. I am sure you will cry again. I wanted to wish Hunter a Happy 3rd Angel Birthday tomorrow.
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Post by babs on Nov 15, 2005 8:32:44 GMT -5
Joy, ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))). I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you.I'm so sorry. I feel the same way too sometimes...like I'm just numb and can't even cry when I want to.But then there are times when I can't seem to stop the tears no matter what I do.I think it's just.....I don't know...normal?...grief?..... no idea- but I get it. I do believe that sometimes our minds and bodies just 'shut down' and go on auto pilot when things that can be devastating happen.Almost like a protection mechanism.I lost all memory of last Christmas and the time right before and after(about 3 months total of memory lapse-can't remember a thing!!!!   ). And I felt really bad about it when I realised it was just not there...I can't remember my living children's xmas!!!But after awhile I came to realise that it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tough last xmas that I really just couldn't deal and so my body and mind protected itself in the best way it could. Will we ever feel again....I don't know.Maybe it's not the same as it was before we lost our children and we just have to adjust.But sweetie, be easy on yourself.....you have been through alot these last three years!!!!!!!And I think that the fact that you obviously feel for these parents(or else why would you have written this post?) shows that you're not 'unfeeling'.It's all just so tough! I know I went all over with this reply and I hope it makes sense to you. I will be thinking of you and Hunter tomorrow on his 3rd Angel Day.I hope it holds some peace for you. Sending my love and prayers, xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox |
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Post by Buckeye on Nov 15, 2005 9:24:28 GMT -5
Joy,
Sometimes it is hard to cry. I think that our emotions get too complex for a simple "cry it out" to fix things and then it all just gets bottled up. I had a period like this and now I am back to crying at the littlest thing again. I don't know which is worse.
What a terrible thing for you to witness -- and how lucky those parents were that you were there. It is not fair that you should know their emotions so well. It is not fair that Hunter isn't here with you tomorrow. It's not fair that any of this happens to any of us. I can only wish you peace as you deal with this and as you go through tomorrow.
((((Joy))))
Jen
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sara
Full Member
Posts: 144
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Post by sara on Nov 15, 2005 10:29:07 GMT -5
Quoted from Babs.
Thats what i think it is too. It will take a few (3-4) wks for the reality of it to hit you.
Is there a grief facilator(sp?) that works for the hosp that could help you get through this? I know DH's sister is one and she is also the charge nurse for an entire ER.
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Post by my2angels on Nov 15, 2005 10:48:28 GMT -5
Joy,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that..maybe you knew what world of pain that the parents would be going through and needed to be strong for them??
I just wanted to give you (((( HUGS)))) and let you know that I will be thinking of you and Hunter on his Angel day tomorrow, I hope it is a peaceful day for you!
Cass
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Post by andrewsmommy on Nov 15, 2005 11:11:48 GMT -5
Joy,
I am sorry you have been through such a terrible situation. I am proud of you for being with the parents in their time of need.
I know for me, that prior to getting pregnant again, I didn't cry anymore. The hormones of pregnancy have kicked the crying back into high gear but it is all hormones. For me I didn't cry because I had cried for so long. I had cried so hard and so deep. A loss is such a shocking thing that we never expect to happen with our little ones. And so in the begining we cry.
But over the last year I have hear of so many women and so many little ones that it is almost normal to hear such things. I don't know if that makes any sense. Before a loss you never hear about this kind of thing but once you have been through it, it seems to suround you. I guess I just got to the point where it was like, not shocking anymore. I don't want to sound heartless but it's like "dang, again!?!?"
My heart always feels for the parents. No one should have to go through this grief. But I don't cry anymore. I just think "d**n it, why. Those poor people." But I just don't cry. I don't know why, other then it happens too much and I have heard it to often to be shocked anymore.
When will you feel again? Well I may not cry but I do smile and I am happy. I find joy in things, so I guess I am feeling. Do you find happiness? If you do then you are already feeling again. You know how everyone says it is okay to cry, well it is okay to not cry too. maybe you have just found peace in your grief. And acceptence of life.
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Post by mommy2mark on Nov 15, 2005 12:00:07 GMT -5
Joy,
I am so sorry you had to go through that. Maybe the tears will come later. As a pp mentioned, maybe you just were being strong for those other parents. I think they were very lucky to have you there with them during this time. Maybe your son knew these parents needed you yesterday and that's why you were there and were able to be so strong. I know I will never forget the nurses who were so kind while I was in the hospital. They helped me get through those days and I feel so lucky to have had such wonderful nurses - and you were able to be that for someone else. What a wonderful thing. I hope you feel better.
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Post by catherine on Nov 15, 2005 13:35:36 GMT -5
Can I ask why you want to cry? Is it just that you are interpreting your not crying as a loss of feeling?
Because I have to tell you, to me, the fact that you didn't cry shows strength...it shows that you are able to separate your grief from the sadness you might feel for other people. To me, that's a very healthy thing. You're able to recognize that you are still missing your son, but you're not lost in that raw sadness and despair that you feel when you initially experience a loss. You've been able to incorporate your grief successfully into your life. And you're able to recognize that you will always love and miss your son...while still being able to distinguish it as a moment in time that doesn't rule your life. (I'm not sure this is making sense...I apologize)
To be able to be a support to someone else, with knowledge supporting you and without dragging your own baggage along...that's more helpful than ANYTHING anyone else in the world can do. Those were the people who helped me through. And I suspect those were the people who helped you through. You wouldn't have been half the support you were if you had broken down. That is the gift your son has left you with. I know it's not the same as having him with you. But it is something to be proud of...not afraid of.
Again...this is all just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.
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Post by george1995 on Nov 15, 2005 14:35:12 GMT -5
Oh Joy!
I'm so sorry, this must have been so very hard for you, words are failing me right now, I just wanted you to know your pain, your loss and your heartache fill myu thoughts and prayers
with love
Alison xx
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Shar
Full Member
MarieAnne's Angel
Posts: 210
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Post by Shar on Nov 15, 2005 20:48:48 GMT -5
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Post by Mommy of Lydia and Mary on Nov 18, 2005 16:16:55 GMT -5
Joy, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I agree with what all the ladies have said. I don’t believe that you have been hardened by your grief. I believe that you were meant to be there for that family. They needed you and you were there to hold them. You knew what they needed and you were strong for them. You gave what you could and that was your loving, kind, caring support. You did ‘feel’, but just in a different way. I too work in a hospital in a med/surg adult ICU. I have had two patients recently that have died where I truly believe I was supposed to be their nurse. Odd as it seems, I just feel like it was meant to be. So much that I’ve had to talk to our chaplain about each patient and what I felt. And the feelings that I have were of sadness no doubt, but more of honor to have been able to know these people and their families. I feel blessed that I was there. I don’t know how to explain that.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers~
~Blessings~
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