Shar
Full Member
MarieAnne's Angel
Posts: 210
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Post by Shar on Nov 12, 2005 20:36:23 GMT -5
Do you find it hard when there is a new mommy (or daddy) on the board... to find the right words to say?? How to welcome them properly?? How to comfort w/out scaring the living daylights out of them?? I find myself in that place... That I'm, I guess, getting 'used' to my grief that I can reflect on the past and can sort of see a future with happiness in it... But I'm still NOT SO SURE all the time! I read the introductions of new people, and I literally cry each time... not only is there another sister out there that's had to feel our pain... but I find it hard to know what to say, so in order NOT to sound to 'automatic' and insincere... I say nothing... WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I HATED ABOUT PEOPLE IN MY EARLY DAYS OF GRIEF!!! Anybody else feel this way, or is it just me?? I mean I think I'm a good person, with a big heart, who has a lot of compassion, sympathy and empathy... and I CAN write (or use words) adequately, most of the time... and I've totally been there, done that.. so shouldn't I have something better to say to someone new in their grief than, 'welcome here... I'm glad you found us, I hope and pray you find the support you need'?? ***If you're new and reading this, I'm so sorry if I HAVEN"T been as supportive as I should be and want to be. I just don't seem to think that my words are adequate to what I'm feeling for each and every one of you ((((HUGS))))*****   MarieAnne Elizabeth ~18 August 2004~ Born 5:20 am Died 6:40 am Born at 20weeks 5 days  Born too early, gone to fast, But our love is strong, And our memories will last.                        |
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Post by Mommy of Lydia and Mary on Nov 12, 2005 21:05:53 GMT -5
Oh honey, yes I do! Sometimes I have days when can't write a single reply. I just read and cry. It's too overwhelming sometimes. It always brings back those initial thoughts and feelings of my baby's death and I think sometimes 'why should i have to re-live that again and again and again?' So, yes, I too have replied with the 'automatic' reply and I think that's just fine. Shar, you are a good person with a big, compassionate heart and you show great sympathy and empathy is all your posts, even this one  . We didn't ask to be here....but we are. I'm glad you were here when I came to SG. Thank you. |
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Post by my2angels on Nov 12, 2005 21:15:27 GMT -5
Shar, (((HUGS))) I am probably not considered an old timer, but I just wanted to let you know that those "automatic responses" were what helped me be able to feel comfortable and ready to tell more about Quinn. You are (among loads of other old timers  ) the most sweetest, caring, thoughtful, genuine,and understanding person that I have ever known. I just wanted to let you know what the auto responses did for me...they welcomed me! Sometimes that's all you can say, you know? 3 months into my grief and sometimes that's all I can even try to say, but it helps, please know that. HUGS, Cass |
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Post by andrewsmommy on Nov 13, 2005 7:15:41 GMT -5
Well I quess I am an old timer. Anyone a year or more out from thier loss is, I quess. That year feels like decades. I guess for me, it is no longer hard to welcome people because I have been where they are and I know where they are going. What I mean is that I have been at the lowest point of my life, but that I have worked through my grief and have found peace, understanding and acceptance of my life. It is very hard to help someone who is drowning if you are drowning too. Does that make sense? It is hard to help others when your still very deep in your grief. I am no longer drowning in my grief. I am standing firmly on land, where I am able to throw that life line out to new people. (though my pregnancy hormones have made me a little more emotional again, but that is to be expected.) I can honestly say, I don't respond to everyone or right away. After dealing with trolls (people who pretend to have losses as a way of entertainment, yes sickos) on the old board I am more guarded about responding to someone who doesn't "feel right" in my soul. Sometimes I wait and watch them before I answer. Some people I read their post and it is a few days before I can post to them because my heart either isn't in it that day or I am thinking of how I want to respond to them. And then there are those who post, I read, and my heart makes such a personal connection with them that I write them a book because i feel drawn to them. I don't like to post a stock response. If I am going to say anything I want it to come from the heart and have meaning for the person it is for. I think it is better to say nothing then to be insincere. I know I didn't personally like getting stock responses and so I try never to do it to others. The responses that ment the most to me were the heart felt ones. I guess I should put it like this. We are all good people, it doesn't matter if you have a big heart, a lot of compassion, sympathy and empathy, if your heart isn't in it that day to post to someone, then don't, it is okay We all have hard days. It will mean more when you can find the words in your heart. If that takes a day or two, trust me it will still mean more to someone new. Don't feel like you have to post anything to anyone just because we are all here. I don't know if that helps ya or not, but that is just a little early morning looking ino me. |
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Post by george1995 on Nov 13, 2005 12:44:25 GMT -5
Oh Yes I do  It's been over 10 years since our son was stllborn, and sometime I feel guilty for still needing support........I feel it may worry people that even after sooooooooooooo long it still hurts, but then it does still hurt |
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Post by mommy2five on Nov 13, 2005 12:57:17 GMT -5
Shar,
I guess I am not yet an old timer but sometimes I do wonder what to say when there is a new Mommy here.  I think we all do the best we can when posting a response and I know one of the things that got me through the first days was just the fact that anyone responded and knew how I was feeling. I think the most important thing we can do is just let them know that we are here for them.
I have never thought your responses were 'automatic' so you must be doing something right. I think at times we are all at a loss for words because we feel so much grief for the new Mommies here and remember how we were feeling when we found SG. I hope this helps you a little, knowing you are not the only one who finds themselves at a loss for words sometimes.
(((((hugs)))))
Christina
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sara
Full Member
Posts: 144
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Post by sara on Nov 13, 2005 14:04:29 GMT -5
Yes, i do.
I think we all have times where we just don't have the strength or faith to write things. When i do write that i'm sorry for their loss. There is nothing stronger then saying your sorry.
It was very hard for me when i still hosting the loss board on another website and we'd get new members. I think a huge part for me is that i've been in this grief for so long already that i'm almost (or i would hope) at the point where i can accept Zachary's being gone. His memory will always live on, it just gets easier as the yrs pass.
((((hugs))))
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Post by hunterandbethsmom on Nov 13, 2005 17:55:21 GMT -5
Yep! I feel the same way.
I know when I found SG after losing Beth, I was welcomed with open arms and was supported by everyone IMMEDIATELY! I feel like I am doing a lot of the newer ones an injustice. I mean, I still usually post that I am sorry for their loss, and that we are all here for them, but my posts are not as heart-felt as they used to be. It isn't because I don't care, I just don't know all the right words, or they just aren't coming to me when I am posting..ya know? Some days are better than others, it seems.
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. We didn't ask to be here....but we are. I'm glad you were here when I came to SG. Thank you.
) the most sweetest, caring, thoughtful, genuine,and understanding person that I have ever known.
I think we all do the best we can when posting a response and I know one of the things that got me through the first days was just the fact that anyone responded and knew how I was feeling. I think the most important thing we can do is just let them know that we are here for them.
