Need a shoulder to Lean on..

[my2angels]

Hey ladies,

I just need to get these thoughts out, so please bear with me

I honestly thought that as Quinn's EDD passed that I would be a able to breath a sigh of relief; that maybe that constant ache in my heart would lessen, if only a little bit.

But this crazy ride called grief seems to want to take me back down a notch or two. I have not had my sigh of relief, nor has the pain in my heart lessened..it seems to only have gotten worse. I am crying more now than I did a month ago, and I am definitely more sensitive to people and their idiotic comments.

I honestly thought that I was doing a heck of a lot better than I was 3 months ago. It took at least the first 2 months for the shock of it all to wear off and then I had alot of painstaking work cut out for me. I went through those months thinking just about getting past her EDD, for what?


To feel worse than I did? I also feel as though I am "stuck" in the anger stage...I just want to scream and hit something about 60% of the time. I realize that this is all a part of the process of grief... I just want to be able to get up at a decent hour, go to bed at a decent hour, not feel as though I am always on the verge of tears, not feel so angry inside...I just want to feel "normal". I have a feeling that the last request may be a life long quest.

I'm sorry to be dumping this all on you ~ I am just feeling a little hopeless these days. I appreciate every single one of you ladies!

HUGS,
Cass

[Buckeye]

Cass,

Here is my cyber-shoulder..... cry on it all you want. I do know exactly how you feel and it is frustrating that everyone promises time will heal you, and yet time will not bring your baby back. It has not been that long since you lost Quinn -- try to be patient with yourself and your feelings. Or break something. That usually helps for a bit.

Take care of yourself, be good to yourself,

Jen

[mypreciousashley]

Cass,

I am so sorry for this pain you are feeling. I wish I could be their to give you a hug. It must be very hard to feel you are going back. Do you think because I dont know that it is just shock you were feeling and now you are unfroze. It must be hard. I wish I had the right words to say but im sure I dont. I just barley have gone through this. Like three weeks today.

I am here for you as I can be
you can add me to messanger if you want to talk

love
Debbie

[kaha]

Cass, thanks for writing this, what you are feeling is so well known to me! My Piotrus was born in May so our journeys last for the similar amount of time. When I look back I can certainly say that the worst time for me was Sept/ October. I felt like I moved back till the very beginning or even worse, because at the beginning I had hope that I would heal and in these dark days in Sept and Oct. I felt like I lost all my hope and nothing would help me anymore. Partially I think it was caused by our ttc (BFN) which made me think I was infertile, even though it was only one try. On top of it I also thought I would not survive next pregnancy anyway so maybe I should not try anymore. But November came and I feel much better now, honestly I feel almost happy, it is a best time since Piotrus' death. I try not to concentrate on ttc as much and it even works a little bit.
"Stuck" in anger state... welcome my friend My anger is mostly aiming at people talking about their babies, I hate it more than words can say. I get so terribly furious then, sometimes it is easier to look at the baby and even smile rather than to listen about him/her. Strange.
I strongly believe this better time will come to you and I hope it will come soon, only if it could be more predictable..
((((hugs))))

[hunterandbethsmom]

Cass,
It is odd how grief almost seems to work on an exact time frame...
This is the Kubler-Ross Grief Phases:
1. Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
3. Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
4. Depression (I don't care anymore)
5. Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Most of us have gotten to the acceptance phase, if we have had losses years ago. I am in the acceptance phase with my son, but I am still in the anger phase with my daughter, who I lost only a year ago.
Hang in there girl! We are all here for you, whatever phase you are in....

[andrewsmommy]

Cass,

You are still very new to your grief. Please be patient with yourself. You are trying so hard. I think of grief as a journey and those first few months even the whole first year is like trying to climb a sand dune. You work with all your might to get to the top but every once in a while the sand shifts and you slide back down a bit. It is flustrating and can be so devestating to slide back but it is normal. You will go through this forward, backward motion many times.

As for your anger, been there, done that, might have to do it again. Anger came back a few times for me. And it is okay to be anger at everything and everyone. Heck I chewed a guy a new @ss at taco bell one night because he skimpped on the beans in my buritto. Rational? No, but it made me feel better to have some control back. I would stop people in the store who were yelling at their children and say "how dare you not treasure your little ones." It is okay to be anger and feel like lashing out, just don't actually hit anyone.

As for normal? What is normal? You are not the person you used to be and I hate to tell you this, no matter how much you try you will never be that person again. Lossing our little ones changes us deeply and forever. I am not saying I haven't found parts of me again, the ability to laugh and smaile, but I have been changed at the core of my being. Not all of it bad, I have learned to love deeper then I ever thought I would. I have learned to enjoy the simplest momments. Normal is what ever you want it to be.

I am sorry you are feeling a little hopeless. We have all been there. It seems like such a long climb up that sand dune and like you will never get there, but you will. Some people take longer to get to the top but you are a survivor and a strong person, you will make it. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the time you need to grieve properly. 3 months is such a short time. A year from now, I promise, things will look different.

(((HUG)))

[missujailyn]

i know what you mean!!! I was doing really well, everyone was really proud of the way I have been handling this, but then all of a sudden, back to the angry stage i go. That is what i am at right now. I think it is the holidays! They are supposed to be filled with love and happiness but not so much for all of us.
I wish i could give you the biggest bear hug ever!!! But since I can't do it physically, here it is emotionally

[Heaven&Earth]

Cass, I think that everything I would have said has already been stated by the others, so I just wanted to offer a ((((hug))))

[my3girls]

Cass - Hey hon it's Brie. I know we talk on a regular basis - & I just wish I could hug you. You have been a HUGE support for me & sometimes I forget just how massive your pain must be. I love that we have had the chance to become friends ~ but I would give that up in less than a heartbeat if it would give you back Quinn. You have had such strength & courage in the last 3 months & have given me a shoulder so many times - you are so much stronger than you know. I have every faith that you can make it though this journey & we are all here beside you. It's a sad sisterhood that we have - but I am so glad that we do have it.

"God doesn't give us more than we can handle, I just wish he didn't think I could handle so much." Mother Teresa

[my2angels]

Jen, Laura, Debbie, Kaha, Joy, Mindie, Missujailyn, Angie, and Brie ~

Thank you to all of you for your replies! Every single one of them really touched me! Also, thank you for validating my feelings..it's nice to know that I am not going crazy or alone .

Thank you all for your big hugs...it's too bad that my house wasn't big enough to fit all of you! LOL

HUGE HUGS,
Cass

[hunterandbethsmom]

Cass,
You know if all our houses were big enough, and we all lived closer, I think we would all be over at the others house all the time!! Lol....
Anytime you need anything, let us know!