I lost my little girl I feel so lost

[my2angels]

I am so sorry that you have to be here, but I am glad that you found us....everyone here has been a blessing to me for the past 3 months. I lost my baby girl, Quinn on July 21, 2005 @ 26.5 wks pregnant for no known reason.

I don't know what I would have done or how far I would be today if it wasn't for the love and support that I recieve from here. Please know that this not - so - fun ride called grief, does get easier, in time. When I was told this at first here, I thought no way, how could that be?? It does, I can't explain it...it's a bumpy road. You will get 10 steps ahead and then fall 20 back...just be easy and gentle with yourself.

Thinking of you..feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat.
HUGS,
Cass

[teacher4]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter.

I am glad that you were able to hold her and have a memorial. I found that I was able to do both with our three angels, and it has provided me with comfort.

It has only been three weeks for you...you are still grieving and in shock. You will never forget your angel...but trust me, things will get better. Time will help heal you...

Hugs
Dominique

[teacher4]

Debbie...you are not alone.

I never thought I could go through the pain again but when it is thrown at you, you just daze your way through it.

With our first baby, the midwife could not find a heartbeat at 18weeks. The ultrasound the following day confirmed death as having occurred 2 to 3 weeks prior. I had no symptoms, bleeding, etc. They thought it could have been a placenta abbruption...said it was an act of God.

Similiar story with our son Jason, except this time we did have a heartbeat at 18 weeks but none at the ultrasound at 20 weeks. I was given antiphospholipid antibodies tests but they were all negative.

My next pregnancy was difficult as I lost a disappearing twin when I didn't even know I was pregnant, bled for two weeks, then felt pregnant and it was confirmed that I was still pregnant. However I started bleeding again at 7 1/2 weeks and 3 weeks later it was discovered that the bleeding was caused by a prolapsed fibroid, which was removed the following week in a 'touch and go' surgery. But the baby made it...until 8 weeks later when my water broke at 18 weeks. It is believed that the amniotic sac did not form properly due to infection introduced with the fibroid and/or surgery, leading it to be weak and rupture.

My doctors now believe that our two sons were also lost and believe that the placentas formed on the large fibroid, taking away my baby's blood supply and causing their deaths. All our babies were healthy.

I am glad you have an answer though...I always found that to be hard...until we got ours....

I believe placenta abbruptions are considered to be a fluke unless you use cocaine or a few other bad drugs...so I don't think you have to worry about it.

Dominique

[campbellsmommy]

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Im so sorry that you have to be here, but glad that you found this very wonderful place.

Being here has given me comfort in some really rough times. Knowing im not alone has made me feel less like a freak, and being able to talk has made me feel less crazy. I hope you find some comfort in being here

Jess

[selmasings]

Dear Debbie,

A very sad but warm welcome to SG. I am so so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this grief - my heart aches every time I hear of another having to endure the unbearable sadness that envelopes your life when you lose a baby. I am so sorry to hear about your sweet Ashley.

Losing Thomas was honestly the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. Did you get anything of Ashley, hand and footprints, photos? It can also be helpful to record all the memories you have - perhaps when you are ready a journal may be useful. There will always be regrets that linger on - things you feel you should have done that you didn't...I didn't hold Thomas, to this day that is the one thing I regret the most - I will always be haunted by that decision.

Do you have anyone to talk to. Is there anyone at all, a midwife or doctor even that may be able to help you? I have met many others online who have suffered similar loss and it has really helped me a great deal to contact them, I have made many friends and keep in touch via email frequently with them. These are people I feel I can share my true feelings with, and many many different feelings rear thier ugly heads along this path of grief. Silent Grief has been a real comfort for me and I hope that it will be for you too.

Happiness does come again - you will find joy in the future - but for now allow yourself to ache and if you happen to laugh at something - don't feel guilty - it doesn't mean you are betraying the memory of Ashley or that you are 'getting over' her - sadly you never will but life does go on and things change - eventually you will find normality again. But do it in your own time, don't let people tell you how they think you should be grieving.

((((((( H U G )))))))


Thinking about you,

Lots of Love

Vicky xXx

What My Child Has Taught Me

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.

I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.

I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.

I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".

I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.

I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.

~ Author Unknown ~

[Buckeye]

I am so sorry that you are missing your baby girl. Everything you are feeling is so normal when you are confronted with this horrible reality. I hope you are physically feeling better -- let yourself go slowly emotionally. I hope that you find some comfort here -- we do really understand what you are going through.

Jen

[my2angels]

I'm glad to hear that you recieved lots of treasures to remember your precious Ashley by. It's amazing how much these little memento's will always be treasured and valued so close to our hearts.

One of the girls here had made a good suggestion, when I was fresh in my grief as you are. She suggested that I write the story of my pregnancy... so I did. It turned into a 10 page letter that I wrote to my Quinn, it started from the moment I found out I was pregnant with her, right up to seeing her. At the end of the letter, I wrote a little bit about how she has changed my life. Doing this made me feel so good...getting my thoughts out.

I am also in the process of doing a scrapbook of her...u/s pics, footprints, poems, cards, anything that has to do with her. This may be another thing that you can do..I found it to be helpful. I am still not done, as it takes me forever still to get the strength to do it, but it's beautiful!

You do what you feel comfortable with, when you feel comfortable. There is no limit as to what you can do to remeber your daughter.

HUGS,
Cass

[ibarbie]

{{{HUGS}}}

[kaydensmommy]

I am so sorry for the loss of you precious angel. I am glad that you decided to hold her. I didnt want to hold Kayden at first but then decided to. I am so glad that I had those few precious moments. I am sorry you had to find this board but I hope you find the support you need. ((hugs))

[teacher4]

Dear Debbie,

My heart felt for you when I read your story...but yes, it does feel good to 'get it out'.

I too wanted to do something to remember my babies...I have a box for each of them which contains photos, the blanket in which they were held, hospital bracelet, footprints, etc. However, due to the gestational age of our babies, my DH and I did not believe we should put the pictures in a place where everyone could see them. Yet, I wanted something visible.

At our son Daniel's funeral, I took a white rose off his coffin...hung it upside down for the next 8 months thinking that I should do something with it. Then, in Aug 04 it was joined by a blue rose from the bouquet on Jason's coffin. I dried this one too and put the two in a shadow box vowing to never need to add to it. However, after Desiree's funeral I had to open it and add a dried pink rose. This shadow box with three dried roses stands in a prominant place in our home...it does not have significance to many...only a handful of people know what the roses significance is... but I see the roses many times a day and it is a reminder of my babies in a 'good' way.

It took me a while to start this project...one day you will be ready...do not hurry it...just keep your items in a safe place.

Hugs
Dominique

[ryanandciansmum]

Debbie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear little Ashley. You have made a huge step coming here and the support and understanding will help so much. I know it has for me.

It sounds like the hospital has given you many treasures to remember Ashley by. Having good care can make such a difference. I hope you find peace in the coming days. We are here to help anytime you need it.

[momtoWill]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Ashley. This is such a heartbreaking loss - please know that we are all here for you. I'm glad to hear that you've got some very precious momentos of your little girl.

Take care,

[mommy2five]

Debbie,

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl Ashley. I am sorry you have to be here but you have found a wonderful place to be during this most difficult of times. If I had not had SG to come to I don't know how I would have gotten through the very darkest days.

I am so glad to hear that you were able to spend time with your angel and that you have so many momentos to remember her by. I know that the items we were able to save will be treasured for the rest of our lives.

Please come here as often as you need to, we are always open.

(((((hugs)))))

Christina

[nikkimount]

Debbie,
Your story made me cry. I am soooo sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to go through that. You are in my prayers.
-Nikki

[kaha]

Debbie,
I am so sorry that your darling Ashley is not here with you. It broke my heart to read what you have been through. I just hope you will find peace, we are always here to help you. for me two things made wonders: talking and crying,

Did the pills work? It would be good if at least physical pain eased,

((((hugs))))