Reflections on a Saturday morn

[lindac]

Good morning! I am up early on a Saturday after a late Friday. My body is going to punish me later today I am sure. Dh will hopefully be home soon, got as far as Indy last night and had to take the required sleep break. The plan is to go to breakfast and it has to be early as I have to be at a church Christmas Bazaar at 9:30. I have supported this bazaar by doing a afghan to be raffled off for the last 12 years. I missed one year, the year Sean died. I had an afghan started but could not crochet for quite awhile after he died. Funny how the things that normally relax and comfort us fail us when we most need it. Today I will spend time with ladies who were my Sunday School teachers. I do not attend this church but when my old church of 45 years merged I wanted to maintain contact with some of the people. The bazaar is always fun, great to see people and love to buy Helen's caramels, have some of Kathleens Sloppy Joes (both ladies make the very best!) and just catch up with everyone. This morn I found myself wondering how many more years I would do this. The ladies are getting up there in age and won't be around much longer. Sean used to sit with Helen on Sunday morns during church. Being hyperactive made it very interesting but he always was able to sit with helen and he behaved for her. I was in choir and this dear lady would be there earlier on Sunday morn to take over Sean after Sunday School so I could be in choir. Anticipating the morn has given me cause to think about how life changes for each of us and how as humans we are resistant to change. Of course we don't wish change when it comes to our families and loss but we have so very much ongoing change in our lives. We have friends that we have outgrown, often the circle of friends around us changes over time. We lose old friends, we make new ones. We have new experiences. some good, some not so good. Nothing stays the same. We change daily and we adjust. Health as we mature (I'm never going to grow up!) changes. We can't take good health for granted. Again we adjust to the situations we are faced with and hopefully we do it with good grace! Life is change, ongoing. We have seasons in our lives. All of us here know the cold, harsh reality of winter. We are living that season since the loss of our precious children. We do have a choice as to how we make it through the many changes. Some of us are in the early sages of winter, having recently entered that season of our lives. It is hard to see a progression to spring. Some of us have wandered through the beginnings and are working to see the hope of a new, fresh season filled with hope. Some of us are at the stage in winter where we see new growth in ourselves and the budding of new life and brightness. It is human nature to dislike change. How many times do you hear "But, we always did it this way?" We don't want to open up to new things, new ideas. Yet, here we are facing the biggest change in life. We have gaps in our lives and have to adjust each and every day. We never know when we will have a grief burst. Some silly, inconsequential little thing will hit us out of nowhere taking us to our knees and putting us at different stages of winter. It is when we are thrown back that we work the hardest to see that hope yest that is when we grapple and strain to see beyond. Nobody but someone who has been through losing a child will ever understand the daily struggles that we face. How can we expect them to. we don't understand ourselves. We just struggle and do the best we can and someday our struggles will be over and we will face a wonderful change. We will se our children again. In the meantime we forge on so that when we are reunited our children will be pleased with how we have survived.

WIshing everyone a wonderful weekend.

[heartsore]

Linda - That was beautifully written, and our grief being winter was an interesting analogy. It is long, cold and harsh. I'm hoping for spring; but so far, no real signs of flowers and budding new growth . . . someday it will return *I hope*

Yes, I agree that change is hard and I do resist. It's so difficult when your family was complete and all of your children have reached young adulthood, and then you lose one of them. Life as it was can never be recaptured. Nothing stays the same . . . if you're ecstatically happy, that will not last forever, nor will your despair. Life is constantly ebbing and flowing.

Your expression "grief burst" perfectly captures the way we get blindsided by something - music - an article of clothing that our child wore - a memory that pops into mind and, yes, we're brought to our knees again.

I hope you have a pleasant time visiting with the ladies at the bazaar. That brings back memories of my childhood when my mother was running and working at bazaars, bake sales and rummage sales, etc., at the church we attended when I was growing up and my sister and I would tag along.

Take care. Margot

[judiann]

Reflections on a Saturday Afternoon......
I'm a late riser!

Linda.... you "paint" wonderful pictures with your words & bring back many memories of my childhood when we did all those things at church too.

Being a Florida girl, I can't see the winter season as being my grief, since we're finally coming into the only time of the year down here that I truly Love!! The weather is absolutely beautiful, even when it rains & now is when I get outside & go places, do things, etc.

Melvin died March 29th.......Spring is what I dread now. No rebirth, no renewal, nothing fresh & beautiful anymore. New plants with fresh buds make me gringe & I walk away in tears........maybe one day that will change.

Many see the "seasons of our lives" as the seasons of the year, but living in the Tropics.....thats kinda hard to do.
I always like that old song by The Platters......."Heavenly shades of night are falling, it's Twilight Time"........that feels like a nice comfy place for me now.

Love, judiann

[Teeny's Mom]

Linda C,
You have a great way of expressing yourself with words. What you said reminded me of something my DH's grandmother wrote in a note to us after Ally died. Just a quick background - Ally was a teeny tiny little girl. She was the size of a 4 year old when she was 9. She had a big personality, however. My DH's grandmother is also tiny, but a powerful woman. No one messes with grandma. Ally's nickname became Teeny. Grandma didn't want to admit she was a grandma or a great-grandma so Ally called her grandma-teeny. Grandma liked that because she had a special bond with Ally. Little Ally fit perfectly on little Grandma's lap. So, after she passed away, Grandma Teeny sent us a little note with these words,
"Memories of a Beautiful Vision-Allison
I see you dancing, I hear you saying, I Love You.
You are the essence of love.
That love will carry us through
the winter of our lives,
to spring with all its promises of new life."
That was put on her stone, just the way grandma-teeny wrote it.
I hope you enjoy the bizzar.

[missingjason]

Linda, I'm a little late but hope you had a great day. Your post are always so uplifting, you seem to be such an outgoing person. Hope you had a great time