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Post by tandtsaunt on Nov 9, 2005 20:55:35 GMT -5
Hello, I'm not sure if I will fit in here, but I am hoping so. This is the closest thing I could find to people that would even try or care to understand. Please let me know if I should post elsewhere, I would hate to intrude.
Even though my neice and nephew are not dead, I will probably never see them again (they have no memories of me), which to me is the equivilant of "dead". I hope that makes sense.
Long story short, in 1997, my sister lost custody of them because of child neglect. When she was asked by social workers if she had family that could take them, she was bitter with everyone, so she lied and said she had no family. They became wards of the state, and last I heard, my sisters parental rights were terminated and they were put up for adoption. I have no idea if they are together, if they are in good homes, or what. The uncertainty is killing me, I hate to think about it.
So I hope I fit in here, I know my loss is very different from all of yours and totally cannot be compared, but I do miss them every day, and I am sorry any of us has to go through this. All of you are so courageous, I have 2 kids of my own, and if something happened to one of them, I don't think I would be able to take another breath. I admire each and every one of you. Sorry for rambling, and thank you for letting me share this story. Too few people understand.
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Post by shirley on Nov 9, 2005 22:10:07 GMT -5
Hello,
I appreciate the sensitive way in which you wrote to us. You have a unique situation and I'm sure that makes you feel even more isolated. Yet, you have experienced loss plus the situation of "not knowing" That in itself is very disturbing. Knowing how much you love your children, it must be unthinkable that these 2 children are out there and you have no way of communicating with them. Are you still in communication with your sister? I don't know what to say, exactly, other than I'm sorry for this pain and I'm glad you risked reaching out to us.
Shirley
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Post by tandtsaunt on Nov 9, 2005 23:06:12 GMT -5
Shirley,
Thank you for your reply, I was sooooooooooooooooooooo worried about stepping on everyone's toes. I'm sure I did, and my sincerest apologies if I did, that was certainly not my intention. PLEASE let me know if I am, I will not be offended, I completely understand. At least my neice and nephew are alive as far as I know. That is my only comfort in this mess.
I hardly ever talk to my sister, we have had so many intense conversations about this. She said the state of Iowa lied about her, and that everyone was against her, and she didn't do anything to neglect her kids. But she was one of those dipsh---ts that left her kids in the car while she was in the store GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. She never had food in the house but her dumb husband ALWAYS had beer and marujuana. Another GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I know better than to believe her about "everybody lying about her". Nonsense. The kids were better off removed from her, and the court papers said that she made no effort to fulfill the requirements set by CPS. So I think she got what she deserved. She said she lied because she would have "hated me" if I would have gotten them. I stupidly tried to reason with her, that it would be better that they were with family and together, than with people she didn't know, but it went one ear and out the other. Her reasoning is "if I can't have them, no one can", only someone did, and only now no one knows. I hope that is what she wanted. I resent her for this, she resents that I have kids, so when we do talk, it's about neutral subjects.... music, movies, computers, and that's it. I feel like our relationship has no substance and there is too much bitterness and resentment between us, and she has no interest in discussing it, probably because I would be "lying about her". She just can't admit that she screwed up. Sorry to rant again, and I thank you for listening.
And again, I cannot stress enough, if you need to kick me out, then PLEASE do so!!! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Everyone else's situation is so much more intense and painful than mine. But thanks for giving me the opportunity.
Judy
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Post by pamela on Nov 10, 2005 5:46:14 GMT -5
Judy,
I am sorry for the situation that you are in. As you have noticed this is a Board for parents who have loss their children.
I understand how concerned you are for your Niece and Nephew but I am sure that with the info you have that if you contacted the Social Service dept that took them maybe they could help you. I am sure that they would welcome findind out the children have family. I am sure you would be allowed visitation.
I also am wondering if there is some where else where you could seek the kind of support you are seeking. WE are a very compassionate group here, but I don't believe that your situation fits in here and might cause others pain. Losing a child is a devastating thing and we are here to support each other through these terrible times.
I understand that the situation you are dealing with is difficult and I wish you luck in finding your niece and nephew, it really sounds like they needed your help much earlier than this. Take care. I wish you luck.
Pam
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 10, 2005 8:27:37 GMT -5
Judy, I am sorry for the loss of contact with your neice and nephew and I agree that this is not the right board for you because you do have something that none of the rest of us have...an inkling of hope. Those of us that are here do NOT have that. Our children are gone from this earth, not just gone from our sight.
HOWEVER, you may have written to just the right place because I might help with that inkling of hope. My husband works for Department of Human services in Iowa. I don't want to say that there is very much hope because it would depend on the adoptive parents AND if the Human Services director would be willing to give them your name. You didn't say what county your sister lived in and that might help. In fact, write to me at Clippe@aol.com and I will give you an address to write to and tell you what information you need to send. Again there is only very small hope due to the length of time that has passed but that is better than none at all. I don't think it is appropriate for me to discuss this more in this group.
I will look forward to hearing from you.
Carol
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Post by tandtsaunt on Nov 10, 2005 9:31:29 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone for your help, this was just the information I needed to hear. I wish everyone all the best and may you find the strength to deal with emotions you never asked to deal with. My admiration for you all is immense.
Judy
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