4 years ago...

[Corinne]

Four years ago today, we received "the call", Tim had pneumonia again. This time would be different though. This time there would be no trips to the hospital, there would be no IVs, no antibiotics. This time we knew was the time we would have to say goodbye to Tim. We had made that decision 2 month prior. Tim was tired, he could not keep fighting this battle that he fought for 16 years.

So, the vigil began. Family, friends nurses, all coming to say goodbye to Tim. He touched so many people in his short life. I sat holding his hand watching that tell tale sign of his belly sucking in so hard, trying to get oxygen into his lungs. The talks with the doctors. Were we sure this is what we wanted? Could we be sure? Of course not, we were allowing our son to die. No one could ever know that that is the right thing to do. My mind was screaming to say NO DONT DO IT, he'll be ok, he'll fight back, he always does. My heart was telling me what I already knew. He could fight back, maybe, until the next time, maybe another month. He cried everytime someone tried to fuss with him. I knew he only wanted his family. He was ready.

We gave the consent to give him the meds. The meds that would let him go to sleep. He would no longer struggle to get air. He would go to sleep forever. My mind was still screaming to just tell them to stop, call an ambulence, get him to the hospital, make him better. That had to be the worse part. Thinking that I had the power to keep him alive a little longer. I knew it would only be for me. I was being selfish. I wanted him to stay here with me. Finally, I told Tim it was ok. I told him he could go. I would be alright. Four hours later Tim took his last breath at 12:01 am on November 11.

[heartsore]

I'm sorry you were faced with such a painful decision. You made the kindest and hardest choice for a child you loved so much. Take care of yourself.

[rachiesmom]

Dear Corinne,
Your Tim was a brave young man, and from what I have read, he defied the odds so many times.
Many people mistakenly think that when someone is sick for a long time that their family is prepared for the day they must say good-bye to their loved one. Even when you are told, "There is nothing else that can be done," you still have a hope that all will be okay.
You weren't being selfish in wanting to keep him. You loved him so much and didn't want him to go. But in the end, you stood by him, and with all the love you ever felt for him, unselfishly let him go. You were and will always be Tim's mom just as your love for him will always be.
May God bless you.

[ericsmom]

(((((((((((((((((((((Corinne)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). You are in my prayers.

Denise

[pamela]

(((((((((((((((((Corrine))))))))))))))))))),

No parent should ever have to be faced with the decision you were asked to make. You did it though, you didn't make the decision for yourself, you made it for your sweet baby boy, who had struggled all his life and now deserved a much needed rest. What you did you did so unselfishly, sure you could have made the decision to keep Tim alive for you, but you did what was best for Tim. That sweetie is the most amazing sacrifice a Mother can make for her child. To be able to free him from the pain and join the Angels where his body would be healthy and whole, something he never got to experience here on earth.

I know your heart still aches for him, you were his everything and his yours.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts as Tim Angel day approaches. 4 years is way to long to be w/o our children....

Much love and peace to you dear friend.

Love pam

[megeliza]

I just wanted to say that I know the pain of having to make the decision to "withdraw treatment", and allow your child to die.

My son Ricky passed away 13 days ago and I also chose to NOT keep him alive another day. There is no way to describe how it feels, and I want you to know that you are not alone.

Thanks for sharing.

Meghan

[yukonjake]

Corrinne,

As a family, we made a similar decision for my older brother, after a hang gliding accident in 1981. I know that I will alway second-guess myself on that, but I also know that that is an emotional, rather than intellectual, second guessing. I hope you are not plagued by that; it is a curse you do not need.

Peace,

Hugh

[judiann]

(((((((((Corinne)))))))

Love & Peace to You & Your Family on Tim's very
Special day.

judiann

[MomofBuilder]

I am so sorry for your pain and loss, Corinne. What love you have for your precious son.
Carol

[pschafer]

What a special person you are, as a mother we want our children to be with us forever. For you to make the decison to finally let Tim go was a very courageous one. He knows how much you love him. I wish you peace on the anniversary of his passing....

P.J. Schafer's mom

[Corinne]

Heartstone and Rachiesmom, thank you for your kind words, it really means a lot to me to know that others can understand.

Pam, yes, my hope through it all is that Tim is now free from the constrictions of his own body. That he is now experiencing everything that he did not get to do on earth. He is flying free....maybe even has met up with Michael for a ride on a bike ;D

Meg. Thanks for taking the time to share your story about Ricky. You are an amazing woman

Hough I know exactly what you mean about 2nd guessing. I admit to being guilty of that. You are right, it is an emotional one. I know our decision was the best one for Tim, but emotionally I will always wonder what if.......

Thank you Judiann, PJ's Mom and Carol, I need warm thoughts right now

[angeldixon2002]

Corrine,

I know excatly how you feel. I had to do the exact same thing for my beautiful and courange daughter. She fought for 6 long years. Towards the end she was in so much pain that it was taking her breath away. She would literally stop breathing from the pain. I made that decision to give her meds to stop the pain, but as you and I know that also, slowly stops them from breathing. As I was reading you post my heart ache by all the emotions that you had, because they are identical to the ones I had. She tried to fight those last 4 days, and at the end she stop breathing, but it took 4 hours later for her heart to stop. She fought to the very second.

I think of your son and my daughter as true Heros, they were trapped in their own bodies and fought for the simplest things that we and our children take for granted. I just want to tell you that I will be thinking of
Tim and your family tonight and tomorrow morning. I am going to light a candle in his memory at the exact time he left your side.

My anniversary is fast approaching the first year and I am totally terrified. I cannot believe how times continue but our pain, anger, disbelief an sheer grief stands completely still.

I want to send you a big hug not only from me, but from my angel to yours.

Will always be here when you need me!

Love,

Maria

[iamd3w]

You are a strong woman, I don't know if I could've done it that way. I am kinda glad that Rhianna went quietly in her sleep. If her brother didn't come along I may have had to do it the same as you. I feel pretty guilty sometimes. You see we had one of those AngelCare bed monitors and I thought she was passed the point of going from SIDS so I took it out of her bed and put it in the cradle for her brother. A week and a half after I took it out she decided it was time to go. Her dad left at 6, I turned off her overnight feed at 7, and she was ok still. I went back to bed (next to her brother) and her aide went to wake her up for breakfast and found she had left us. I'm so glad I wasn't by myself because I don't know what I would have done.

[joan]

((((((Corinne))))))

Couldn't post a few days ago - hit me too close to home.

Love and blessings

Joan

[Corinne]

Marie, Dominique & Joan, thanks so much for your well wishes. I do hope I didn't cause you pain of surfacing memories. I use to think I was the only one who would ever have to make such a decision. I couln't imagine how anyone could ever bring themselves to discontinue support of refrain from using it. I am so glad I found SG, it has brought me much comfort in knowing I am not alone and helped in sharing my feelings.

Thank you