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Post by yukonjake on Nov 7, 2005 9:41:27 GMT -5
I used to be a fairly competent, self-contained individual. I loved (and love) my family, but I was quite ok when they were gone.
The summer before Tim died, my bride and my two sons went home to see her family. I couldn't get the time off from work so I stayed home. They were gone for a month. I was fine; I was happy for them that they got to spend the time with their relations. When I was off work, I was happy; I didn't mind being a bachelor, I was pretty good at it. I fed myself, I kept the house clean, the dog was properly tended, and I treated myself to a meal out or a trip to the movies now and again.
In the almost two years (!!) since Tim died, most days, when I am surrounded by my family, I fare ok; sad much of the time, but functional.
This last weekend, my bride went home again, just Thursday through Tuesday, to attend a mass for her mother and to join her brothers and sisters in taking the final steps with Mom's ashes. Dennis had a Boy Scout campout on the weekend. I was completely alone. I was a wreck. I didn't leave the house. I glued myself to the television. I didn't shower (sorry ladies). It just didn't seem to be worth the effort. My mind wandered to and fixated on all of the evil ugly places that I normally manage to steer clear of anymore. Around noon Sunday, Dennis called me. They were back, and he was ready to be picked up. As soon as I had something to do, and as soon as I had my boy back with me, I was back to normal.
I'm just not that good at being alone anymore.
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Post by joan on Nov 7, 2005 10:08:07 GMT -5
(((((Hugh)))))
I understand - there are many things I'm not as good at any more.
Glad "normalcy" returned once Dennis called.
Blessings
Joan
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Post by Corinne on Nov 7, 2005 10:43:25 GMT -5
I think I can understand your feelings. Glad you have Annette and Dennis back home
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dianan
New Member
our three beautiful children
Posts: 15
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Post by dianan on Nov 7, 2005 11:09:30 GMT -5
I totally understand your feelings. I used to cherish the few moments that I was actually alone. But since I have lost Zach, I feel altogether different. I do pretty good when my husband is home with me. I still have moments but not like I have when I am alone. The girls are grown and married with families of their own. There are times I actually have panick attacks when Chuck is at work and I am home alone. I think the alone times take on a whole new meaning when we have lost a child. I wish you God's peace diana
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Post by ericsmom on Nov 7, 2005 15:48:04 GMT -5
((((((((((((((((Hugh)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). I wish we all lived close enough to visit, so none of us would have to be alone unless we chose to.
Denise
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Post by Teeny's Mom on Nov 7, 2005 16:37:17 GMT -5
I, too, used to love my alone time. Now I fear it. I will finish student teaching in December and then I will have nothing to do during the day while my DD is in school and my DH at work. I am afraid that if I don't get a job, or called to sub that I will fall back into that dark, sad place. I am glad your family is back. I hope you took a shower before you picked them up!
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 7, 2005 18:40:59 GMT -5
I am home alone quite a bit. I have a couple of mornings at home because I have regular work schedule that is not the same hours most people work. In addition my husband's work takes him out of town a lot. In July I was asking myself what I need and one thing was to not have to come home so often to a still and quiet house and to cry all the way home. When Aaron built this house, my husband and I decided no pets. LIFE has changed and my needs are different. I told him I wanted to get a puppy and he was against it at first. The day I asked him was the first day in so many months that I had not cried all the way home. He said, "If I do agree to getting a puppy, it would be because I saw the light in your eyes." Well, he did decide it was ok and in August we got a sweet affectionate little Bichon Frise puppy. She doesn't make me forget Aaron at all...that was NOT the point, but she does make me laugh and smile and that is what I really needed. The house is not so still and quiet and she knows when I am especially sad. She has known since the beginning. Shortly after I got her (9 weeks old) I had her in my arms and something suddenly triggered that familiar sadness and pain. I had not dropped a tear but she must have felt something wrong. She started licking my face. I have never allowed a dog to lick me but she just seemed so intent on giving comfort. It turns out Gary loves her, too. She is good for both of us. Now if Aaron would just come HOME.....
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Post by missingjason on Nov 7, 2005 18:42:21 GMT -5
I think we're all just different period now in all areas.
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Post by heartsore on Nov 7, 2005 18:59:37 GMT -5
Yes, I'm also alone a lot. Thank goodness I have to go to work or else I don't know what would happen. I think having your family with you gives a structure and discipline to your day. When they're gone, you're left inside your own head and that can be dangerous. I'm glad they're back home with you. Carol - deciding to get your puppy sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm so happy your husband loves her too. I have two cats - one is pretty dog-like in his personality, but the other is completely aloof and very much an independant cat. They do run to the door to meet me though (probably because they want me to put food in their bowls).
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 7, 2005 19:41:32 GMT -5
Thank you, Margo. Bichons can be trained to be therapy dogs and I think little Bailey has instinct beyond her four months on this earth!
I am glad you have your cats to keep you from being "inside your own head" so much. I am afraid I still spend so much time inside mine.... Carol
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Post by lindac on Nov 7, 2005 19:48:23 GMT -5
I don't like being alone either. I have had to get used to it though with dh being on the road all week. I didn't like being alone before Sean died either. I cherish some time alone but I want that time when I want it not when it is dictated by others or circumstances. One of my biggest fears is dying alone. I have done two trips to the ER in an ambulance where I didn't know if this was it and I wasn't going to be able to say goodbye, noone was with me. When they admitted me I felt so very alone. Not a good feeling. With losing a child I think we feel less secure because we know that we can't know when the final time will be that we see them. One thing I have learned and learned before Sean died thank goodness, was to tell others how you feel, say I love you because you never know. I do know that when I do die I won't be truly alone. God is there and will lead me to His open arms.
I am glad that your family is back. My love to your bride as she has had to do difficult things. I am sure that dealing with the dispensation of her mothers' ashes probably brought grief issues from Tim back to the surface. Give her a hug for me and tell her we all miss her.
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) for you too.
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Post by pamela on Nov 7, 2005 21:58:27 GMT -5
(((((((((((((((((Yukon))))))))))))))) I understand...I do. So important to have those that love us the most right by our sides. I truly think our responsabilites in life are what keep us going. How easy it is to wallow in self pity, but when those that we love need us well we know we can no longer be selfish. Maybe being selfish was what you needed for a few days Yukon. Glad that your family is back and your showered and shaved and ready to move forward again.. Love , Pam
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Post by kenmay on Nov 7, 2005 22:56:16 GMT -5
I know that feeling unfortunately the alone time is getting more frequent as my boy is grown up
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Post by yukonjake on Nov 8, 2005 11:16:29 GMT -5
Not really, I've had a beard since my navy days
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montanabkc
New Member
may God be with you all through all this for he has been my only salvation
Posts: 31
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Post by montanabkc on Nov 8, 2005 19:10:43 GMT -5
Oh Jake, I hope you read this.You are doing great as far as I can say.I got to the point that whenever I was alone i would sit and think about my son Chris Get depressed and drunk ,death always on my mind to be with him.VERY SCARY!!!! My husband is helping me get help now and am doing better.If you haven't sunk this low you're doing ok,Prayer for you tonite.
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