No more lurking in the shadows

[heartsore]

Hello Everyone - I have lurked on Silent Grief on and off for quite a while. I must admit to checking nearly every day when the old board went down . . . wondering when it would return. I have my ups and downs and it was during a recent "down" period that I discovered that the old board wasn't working. This new board is an opportunity for me to join in and be a participant instead of selfishly hiding and not contributing. Often times I'm more of a reader than a poster, but I will try to join in and be a contributor. I think it was the initial post by Patrick's father (sorry I can't recall his ID) that summed up exactly how I feel. It's both sad and comforting to know that we all "get it."

My youngest son, Ian, died on December 7, 2002 just two months shy of his 23rd birthday and the person I used to be left that night too. Nearly everything that has been written applies to me and my sorrow. I'm very hermit-like now where I used to be quite social. Many friends have gone away because they don't know what to do or say.

I feel robbed of my peace of mind, my contentment in old age and of the future as I thought it would be. My family was complete and now we're missing one. Ian was the "baby" - the youngest of four and he is sorely missed by all of us.

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and say hello. I will post more about Ian when I'm not so tired. (It takes me longer than average to get used to the clocks changing).

No one understands the way a life changes after losing a child like another bereaved parent. It is not possible. I think some of the threads that have been posted on this new board are what encouraged me to register. I also envy intact families who look forward happily to the holidays instead of merely trying to get through them.

Thanks for "listening." Margot

[missingjason]

(((Margot)))

Glad you decided to join us, but sorry you had to.

Yea, we all "get it" here. Its pitiful that we have to "get it" but we have forcefully had to. And no, people who haven't lost a child does not get it and won't until it happens to them. I'm so sorry you lost your Ian (love that name). I lost my son Jason in a motorcycle accident in apr 2004 and it is so difficult.

I've always kind of been a hermit, and am more so now. I just flat don't want to talk to people; but I get sick of there laughing, joyful mannerisms. sad but true. I ain't in that place anymore

Glad to have you here. We can talk truthfully here without sugar-coating anything!! And thats what we need, people in our world who are like us, because we are forever changed and not like the "world" anymore.

[pamela]

Hi Margot,

I am glad that you decided to go ahead and join us here at Sg. I am very sorry for the loss of your son Ian.

You are right Margot, we are no longer and never will be the person we used to be since losing our child.

I understand very well your not being the
old" sociable you, I am so much the same way. Especially around those that were such a part of our lives when Michael was alive. I just find talking to those people painful as my life has cahnged so much and thier hasn't. I still after 3 years dread the whole "how are you doing?" question.

I am glad that you can relate to the post here. sadly we understand each other way to well here. We would all love to hear more about your Ian when you are up to it.

I understand the time change messing with your rhythm, mine is all messed up. Hope to hear more from you soon. take care.

Pam

[missingjason]

Pam, Great old pictures of the kids.

[montanabkc]

Hi,oh so sorry,yes I know how you feel. I've become the "hermit " too.It's ok.We have each other here.I see you are in Ark. I am too and would so love to meet you.You sound so like me that I think we could cry on each others shoulders n have a great time. Bless you for I knowyour pain

[Corinne]

{{{{{{{Margot}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry for you loss of your son Ian. I am glad you decided to "talk" to us. SG is a great place to get support from others who really do know what you are feeling.

There is a post "come share your child" feel free to add Ian's story there when you are ready. It is a nice way to learn about all of our children too.

[joan]

((((Margot)))))

I am a hermit too - can't cope with social situations much. I lost my "baby" at 23 in 2002 also and though I do post, at times I have lurked a lot too. Look forward to hearing more of your Ian.

Blessings

Joan

[heartsore]

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I will post Ian's and my story - maybe this evening. I'm at work right now and can't take as much time as I'd like to compose it.

[MomofBuilder]

Hi Margot,
I am so happy that you decided to join in. You are the person who sent me here to begin with. You sent me a beautiful picture of Ian and a wonderful book Lament for a Son. You will never know how much that book means to me. I read about each person being made in the image of God. When I go to the cemetery, it is not just Aaron's body there: It is Aaron in God's image. That helps me to feel closer to Aaron and to feel safe there. I used to be afraid in cemeteries but all of the people there are made in God's image.

I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son.
hugs
Carol

[heartsore]

Oh Carol, I'm glad to be here too. This is such a difficult and lonely journey. All of our stories are so sad really, but we're not afraid to tell them or to listen to one another. I want to post about Ian, but I'm still working on it. It's hard to capture the essence of our sons with words, isn't it?

[MomofBuilder]

Yes our stories are all so sad but we are still the richer for having our beautiful children for as long as we had them.

You are right. Words are inadequate but we try. we try.
Carol

[shirley]

Margot,
I pray you find the comfort that I have here. You're right. It's hard to capture in words the essence of our children. Words never seem enough. But as Carol said, we try.
I read "lament" also and it helped me. I related to so much of what he said.
I'll look forward to whenever you feel up to writing about Ian. Sometimes I've just had to write short things. A total account is just too overwhelming for me.
God bless.
shirley