helping my sister

[ethansmom]

Warm hugs to each of you. I'm hear with yet another plea for guidance. My sister lost her only child last year to his one and only asthma attack, at age 16.

After weeks of a good "run" (as I think of it) she has shut down completely for the past 6 days. Hasn't gotten out of bed, doesn't shower, eats little. Now I don't think any of these things are to far from the norm considering what she experienced but she is also talking of wanting the world to end, taking her life, ect. She won't even consider the idea that her loving son would not want to hear this about her. She just replies "how do you know he wouldn't want me being like this?"

She has never talked with any one professionally and won't take any medications to help her come somewhat out of her depression.

My mother is in poor health, 76 years old, and this is just taking such a toll on her.

How long does anyone suggest bouts of this can go on, we will never give up on her but she is talking less and less to us, she won't let us in her house.

Please anything you can say to me will help my understanding of how to continue supporting my sister. She is my best friend.

Loving hugs to each of you and your angels.
Julie K in Minnesota
mom to Ian and his angel twin Ethan (TTTS 2001)

[MomofBuilder]

Julie, if she is talking of taking her life and is isolating and staying in bed, she needs professional help. No one can "fix" the problem of her son's death, but it sounds like she feels and sees no purpose in going on. Maybe someone could help her find a new purpose for her life.
I don't know how you will get her to go unless maybe she would agree to it to ease your mom's fears and to protect your mom's health.
Carol

[pamela]

Julie,

Your sister needs help and your so wonderful for wanting to know how to help her. Losing a child is devastating and yes some days are much harder than others, but it really sounds as though your sister is in a very serious state of depression. While it is "normal" to grieve and do it heavily it sounds like she is under a great deal of emotion pain right now that won't get better unless some kind of intervention is done.

Julie, do you know her Dr? can you possibly call him/her and ask them what can be done?

How about contacting a Grief Counselor and asking for advice and maybe getting one to call her?

Your sister sounds unable right now to help herself. She is still in the mist of figuring out how to make her life go on w/o her precious child in it. There is no way in this world that it can be done alone. She definitely needs the support of others who can support her and understand.

Is her Bf still in the picture? I think I remember her having one before? Forgive me if I am wrong.

Please don't give up on her Julie, its exactly what she wants. Julie I have felt much like your sister at times and its horrible to feel that way.. Please let us know how you make out.

Take care,
Pam

[judiann]

Hi Julie,

Warm hugs back to you, too. It seems that you could use a few extra now.

I remember your posts from earlier about helping your sister......just can't put a time to it, but is she close to the 1st anniversary of his death?? or his birthday?? maybe a special event for them?? the holidays??

Any or all of these things can set us back or shut us down completely........ I have done the exact same things she is doing now, several times over the past 19 months. I wanted the world to end, I had No reason to go on & I didn't want to. "Shutting down" was my only way of coping, learning how to heal.
Therapy {I went once}, anti-depressants {made it worse for me}.......Nothing helped.

Only time to myself & crying more tears than I ever thought possible......got me thru each day.
I had the loving support of my husband, but really all he could do was just be there. But, I still pushed him away.......lucky for me, he refused to go too far.

Hopefully & lucky for your sister, your there for her & will keep watching her. If she has a few weeks of a good "run" & goes back into a depression for awhile, then comes back again for another good "run"........ that sounds fairly normal to Me, but we all handle our grief in our own way.

I think you are doing a terrific job in supporting your sister & your mother too. I know it's taking a toll on you too.
Please, trust yourself......you'll know what to do. If you think an intervention is called for, then do it. If you think she just needs time, then give it to her,with all your Love.

One very sad truth about our grief though.......it's up to Us what we do with our lives now. No one else can do it for us.

Loving Hugs to You, Julie.

judiann

p.s., something Pam said just caught my eye....."grief counselor"........ Compassionate Friends sometimes have members that will come to the house in a crisis situation.......maybe you can check in your area?? just a thought.

[missingjason]

I side with everyone else here. It sounds like she needs some help. A good medication could help her a great deal.

Not wanting to go on without your child is very normal, but we can't dwell there, for life does go on. As far as wanting the world to end, I do that too, but as in I want Jesus to come back because I know we will all be together again then. Recently I tried to get off my medication (as Shirley did also) but found I was spiraling downhill fast, and had to start back again.

This is a very tough road to travel and I pray you can help her get some help. She can function with meds.

You are good to care for her so much. I am sorry to hear that she is still not doing any better. Prayers for your family.

[Corinne]

Not much more I can add to what the others have said. You are a wonderful sister to take the time to seek advise from others.

I agree, she needs help. Compassionate friends and/or her doctor would be a good place to start.

There is no time line here. The grief hits hard at all times forever. Does she talk about her son to you? That is important. Please try to be there for her when she wants to talk.

Corinne

[joan]

((((Hugs)))) to you, Jullie. Tough situation. i think others have given good advice.

Blesssings

Joan