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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 3, 2005 18:14:15 GMT -5
I went to Aaron's grave today and cried so hard on this beautiful fall day that is so like his last day on earth. I picked up some stray pieces of silk flowers that were around the area (shredded by the mower) and then lay down on my little quilt that I made specially for visiting his grave. I lay on my space beside him wishing I could be even closer to him. I just sobbed and when I finally sat up and looked around a bit I saw a hole right near the foot end of his space. It looked like it had been made by an animal. I looked into the hole and right in the middle partly covered with dirt was a walnut. I started to take it out, wondering why a squirrel had chosen just that spot. Then I paused, thinking that a walnut was a seed and that meant life. I gently covered it up and went on my way. Carol
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Post by lindac on Nov 3, 2005 18:23:34 GMT -5
((((((((((Carol))))))))))))
It is so hard! The walnut may have been there to give you a special message. A seed, growth, new life. It may feel like you cannot get close to Aaron but he is there with you wherever you go. He is carried in the warmth and safety of your heart. Whenever you need to feel close to him think of a fond memory and hold that close to you. Memories are moments that cannot be taken away from us when we need them. Our children are a special part of us and as such they are with us even when we feel bereft and alone. An idea for when you feel lonely and down. Before you get to that point take a piece of paper and write special warm memories down, happy times. Then cut these into strips and fold them. Have a special box or jar and put these moments in to be pulled out as needed. If they make you cry more that is fine too as you are releasing your emotions.
May you find some measure of comfort and hope today.
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 3, 2005 18:44:23 GMT -5
Thank you so much. Linda. Your suggestions of the warm memories and a jar for them is perfect. In fact, about a month ago I bought an interesting jar for something related to Aaron but had not yet used it for anything. It is a ceramic jar shaped like a quart canning jar. There is a butterfly on it and a border of tiny butterflies that are shaped like hearts. The word under the butterfly is hope and it has these words from the Bible: "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings!" Isaiah 40:31
Carol
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Post by pamela on Nov 3, 2005 20:09:29 GMT -5
Carol what a nice little treasure you found today. I am glad that it brought you some peace. I know how hard those visits to the grave are, we want so badly to beable to touch them and see them again, they are so close to us there..yet so far away.
Are you sure it was a walnut and not a chestnut? I can't imagine what a walnut would be doing outside. Whatever kind of nut it was wouldn't it be neat to see it sprout to life?
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Pam
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Post by missingjason on Nov 4, 2005 16:55:12 GMT -5
Carol, What a nice story, I think the walnut was there for a reason also. Hugs and love to you.
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 5, 2005 20:31:26 GMT -5
Thank you, Pam and Jane. I tried to reply yesterday and could not for some reason. Pam, I know it was a walnut because I could feel the ridges on it. There are oak trees all around so it seemed rather special that the nut was a walnut. There is a woods right there, high on a bluff overlooking the Mississippi River. I am sure there are walnut trees in the woods. You may not be familiar with black walnuts but there are many of those trees in the midwest. When we lived in California we had a huge English (or California) walnut tree in our yard. Maybe you were thinking of that kind of walnut..the kind that you can buy in the store.
I don't think it is likely that the walnut will sprout but that would be neat if it did. The squirrel will likely come back and get it in the cold of winter. There is some symbolism in the walnut that I didn't think of at first. Since Aaron built homes and also some furniture, it seemed the best thing to get him a simple and beautiful casket handbuilt by monks near where we live. We chose walnut. Then later we got a piece of Aaron's walnut lumber and my husband made a cross for each of our families, including Aaron's mother- and father-in -law who loved him greatly.
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Post by missingjason on Nov 5, 2005 21:55:24 GMT -5
carol, I bet the crosses your husband made were beautiful. So glad you are back again
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 6, 2005 0:07:44 GMT -5
Thank you, Jane. I am glad I came back. I think there is a good chance that I will be here for a long time. 11 months ago I didn't understand why some people said 6 months, 9 months, a year, etc, were so very hard. It had to do with the reality of never seeing our child again. I didn't understand how a person would know that in a new and terrible way and now I know. Yes, the crosses are beautiful. I added Aaron's birth date to the crosses but not the death date. Gary made a cross for him and one for me to have in our offices. I wasn't sure I could have one at work but I was told that it was fine. I don't keep a picture out or I would never be able to do my work for the sadness. Carol
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Post by pamela on Nov 6, 2005 0:23:04 GMT -5
oh Carol...that definately has to be a sign. I didn't know about the Black Walnuts, you are right I was thinking of the store bought kind.
Here in Ny we have tons of acorns hitting the ground right now.
I agree the crosses sound beautiful. What a honor to Aaron. Thanks so much for sharing your wonderful story.
Love pam
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Post by Dougsmom on Nov 6, 2005 11:09:38 GMT -5
Carol,
Your find is a wonderful story I am sure gave your heart a pleasant jump. Now adding the story of the walnut casket, it is all the more beautiful and meaningful.
Leslie
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 15, 2005 8:03:47 GMT -5
I am glad the story meant something to you...and to me. When I went to Aaron's grave the other day, I found the hole again, with the walnut missing. That made me sad. At least I had something special to enjoy for a little while.
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