Major Meltdown Today

[joan]

[shadow=red,left,300]Hi All[/shadow]

Major meltdown today

Haven't had a reaction like this in a long time. I got up this morning, put on black clothing and went out to the car. It is a Tuesday - the day my Gordie died. We had a slight dusting of snow this morning and I didn't like the idea of my baby's bench being snowed on and that seemed to be the trigger.

Everywhere I drove triggered thoughts of him and the need to see him, touch him, hear him again, so I drove the the river where we had gone in the fall several years for a hamburger when the leaves were gold. It was bleak and cold, but a good place to cry til some ******* drove up in a 1/2 ton and parked across from me and hung out his window staring in my direction, so I took off and drove around places where my Gordie had been when he was alive.

I just kept on crying and finally hit the highway, thinking that I couldn't go to work like this anyway. I felt like driving and driving to a new life, where I knew no one and could start again. I finally drove about 20 miles out of town to a campground we went to after the funeral. I knew it would be closed, but needed to go there, crying all the way. At last, I started to feel a bit better and turned around and drove home.

By this time it was nearly lunchtime so I phoned in sick and went to bed. I was exhausted and slept most of the afternoon til now. I haven't had a session like this in such a long time - it comes as a surprise, yet is so familiar. I think the change of seasons had something to do with it. I am still wiped and feel like I am coming down with a cold. Who would ever have thought that the feelings could still be so intense, and yet, how can they not be when a part of us in gone from this world.

Love you my babes and miss you so much.




Joan

[missingjason]

((((Joan)))) Its so hard isn't it. I think the change in seasons have affected alot of us. We all miss our children so much, its unbearable sometimes to even still believe this has happened to us. I can picture the ******* driving up, I hate that someone had to drive up and interrupt your grief, I hate when that happens, its like don't they know they are intruding!! Take care Joan, we all love you so much here.

I love that pic of Gordie you have put up, what a goodlooking boy. And the pic of the bench with the rose on it is beautiful.

[lindac]

((((((((((((JOAN)))))))))

I am so sorry that you are hurting. These grief triggers come out of the blue and take us to our knees when we least expect it. I do think the change of season is a big trigger. Holidays are coming and we face those with trepidation. If only we could drive to a new life. But is that what we really want? What we want is to have our children back and the cold, harsh reality is that will not happen. Our day will come and we will be reunited in Heaven. Until that day we remain here, stuck in the mire of grief. We will make it, will be a struggle but we will survive. we will even have joy filled days.

By the way, please keep your snow up there and don't let it drift over here!!!!! i am so NOT ready for snow!

love ya,

[joan]

Thanks Jane

I slept so hard this afternoon I hope I sleep tonight. These bouts are exhausting - but then you know all about that.

I do think the ******* knew he was intruding - he just didn't know on what. I'm in no mood for nonsense. A large truck parked across my driveway yesterday, so I couldn't get into it. He was delivering stuff to the neigbours. I asked him to move - there was room for him to park so he wasn't blocking my driveway. He told me that I could wait til he was finished, and I responded that he could move and what was the name of his boss - who I phoned and reported the incident to. Aaaargh!!

Love you

Joan

[joan]

Thanks Linda - you are right - we really want our children back - but this morning I would have settled for a new life. since I can't have Gordie back. It is a struggle - the invisible handicap - we walk around looking "normal", but, as you say, at times mired in grief. I sure was spinning my wheels in it today.

No more snow here today - it drifted down and melted. Temps are supposed to stay above freezing in the daytime for the next week or so . It usually has come to stay by now so we are having a reprieve.

Love you

Joan

[pamela]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Joan)))))))))))))))))))))))))))),

My heart is aching for you so badly right now. How I wish I could have been there for you as your heart felt like once again it was breaking into a zillion pieces.

I am sure that your right about your triggers, they can come so quick and so unexpectedly. I know last week when we had our first snow fall it was a huge, horrible trigger for me.

Of course you want a new life if you can't have your old one back, sometimes I feel the need to run to the "hills" to escape this new "life" we are all forced to now live.

I am very glad Joan. that you let yourself feel your grief and didn't just suck it up and in. I know its so hard to feel that awful pain, but even worse to stifle it and keep it in.

I hope your sleeping and having sweet dreams right now. I'm sleepless in Owego, Daylight savings time has really messed my rhythm up even more so!!!

Wishing you a peaceful day today Joan. jane is so right when she says so many people love you Joan. And I am one of the people at the top of the list. Love you Jaon, I again am so sorry for your melt down yesterday.

HUgs and love to you.

Love pam

[joan]

Thanks for the huge hug, Pam. I needed it. It's funny about the snow isn't it? It seemed to be the thing that got me started as I wasn't feeling that bad when I left the house. Maybe I need another weekend break. Driving down that highway felt good, even when I was crying.

Re letting myself feel the grief, I really didn't have much choice - it just poured out. I also know - even at the time that it doesn't last forever - just feels like it's going to. Then it's back to "normal" life - where we walk around sometimes doing what feels like playing the game to appear "normal".

Sweet dreams - no. I just woke up having dreamed that Gordie had died again from a car crash and then I was outside the house and he drove up. It ended up that it wasn't him but someone posing as him. DST has messed up my sleep too.

Thank you for your love and understanding, Pam. I love you too.

Joan

[Corinne]

{{{{{{{{{{JOAN}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry about your meltdown today, wish we lived closer so that I could give you a real hug.

I think the change of seasons and holiday's has a lot to do with it. You just had your Thanksgiving and Gordie loved that day. You have also had a lot of major changes in your household. Maybe everything is just catching up to you.

Joan, take care of yourself. You do seem to be catching colds and flu's quite frequently

Love to you

Corinne

[ericsmom]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Joan)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you............

Denise

[judiann]

(((((((Joan)))))))

Hope today was better for you.

After reading your post, I started "looking" at a Few things that have happened recently in my life..... add them all together & I'm a "major meltdown" waiting to happen. And this is just the small stuff! I haven't counted the big stuff yet.

It's still such a wonder to me how Any of us manage to get thru each day.

Love You,

judiann

[MomofBuilder]

Hi Joan
I am so sorry that the day was so hard for you...as I am sorry that any of us has to cope with the unbearable loss of our child.

Yesterday was a meltdown day for me, too. I had been away four days and didn't get to go to the cemetery right before I left. On the way home in the plane I was feeling the loss more and more. I used to go away from home and worry that something would be wrong at home or work when I got back. Now when I go away I have hope that things will be better (Aaron here!) when I get home. Then as I get closer and closer to home the grief shatters me again. I went to the cemetery before going home after I got off the plane. The tears were pouring down so hard all the way there. When I got there I put my small "visiting Aaron's grave" blanket on the ground in my final resting place. Usually I sit there but I just lay down on the ground and sobbed.

The change of seasons is very hard especially when the season changes to the one in which your beloved one died. I know the snow will make me cry, too. It snowed the day of Aaron's visitation last year...a bit of snow for our skier. It was good at the time because it seemed that it was something for him. Now he has been gone so long......

Hugs to you
Carol

[joan]

You gals are all [glow=red,2,300]terrific[/glow]
(((((((((((( hugs back to you))))))))))))))

Corinne - I have always had lots of flu and colds - healthy otherwise. I do think that all the "stuff" that has been happening in my life has made it a bit worse that usual. I take lots of vitamins and eat lots of fruit and get lots of rest (when I can). Thanks for your concern.

Denise - glad to see you back!

judiann - I'm with you - I wonder how any of us survive these awful bouts and then life in between. How are your parents and daughters? I know there have been health issues you are concerned about, nevermind hurricanes - too too much!!!

Carol - so sorry you had one too - it hurts so much. The snow and season change has done it for several of us and especially hard if you have an anniversary approaching.

On a bright note I am feeling much better today - it seems like a "meltdown" leaves you exhausted but cleans out some grief for a while.

Love to all

[Dougsmom]

Joan,

(((hugs)))

Seems to be a meltdown week. Tuesday was a bad day for me. I was running late to take my mom to GA for sinus treatment and didn't stop at the cemetery. I felt so weighed down by missing a part of my monthly routine on the drive up there. Dropped her off Wednesday night and drove straight there. It was so dark and I was scared so I didn't get out of the car. But I just had to go.

I think the change in weather plays a part too. Even though it is Florida, when there is no or less humidity it is a very hugh change in how outside feels. That and the fact that the second was 35 months.

I use your strength as my own. Glad to see you are feeling better. I think I'll visit with Doug today and share a song. Listening to one of his CD's brings the tears, but usually helps me feel better.

Leslie