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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 1, 2005 15:55:53 GMT -5
It has been a long long time since I posted and it was just right for me to do so today. I received the email that the boards were back and I didn't know they had been gone. I was thinking of coming back. I quit coming here months ago because I felt that I just made myself sadder and could not be of help to anyone. I do appreciate the support I received here in the early months of grief. Aaron, age 30, died of sudden cardiac arrest on Nov. 24, 2004. He was not ill and had no heart problems. I am going through yet another phase of intense grief as the anniversary date nears. I was away from home the past few days and as I flew closer and closer to home my sadness grew and grew. Being away and with my grandson and family made me feel happier and unreasonably hopeful that Aaron would be here when I got home. It doesn't make sense but I know you will understand. I left the airport and went to the cemetery before I even came home. It was just harder than ever to see the oak leaves all over the ground and feel the cool weather of fall..the season in which he was last with us. I just can't stand it that he is gone. I do have faith in God and know I will see him again but for now it feels unbearable. Carol
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Post by ericsmom on Nov 1, 2005 16:20:08 GMT -5
Hi Carol. I feel the same way you do whenever I come home. I work from my home, so I don't leave everyday to go to work, and maybe that's part of it....when I am gone for the day or a few days, it is very hard for me to come home. It's not hard to go, but just hard to come home. I guess this is part of my "new normal" So I understand what you are feeling, and also with Aaron's anniversary so close, I'm sure it magnified the intensity of coming home. So many of us have found that the days leading to the anniversary are worse than the anniversary itself. I too have an anniversary..........this Saturday, Eric would be 20 and my dad is 80.
Peace to you.
Denise
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Post by pamela on Nov 1, 2005 18:14:31 GMT -5
Carol,
Nice to see you back. I will certainly be keeping you in my thoughts as you approach Aarons anniversary day.
The anniversaries are very hard and bring backs such intense feelings of grief. Its like losing them all over again.
I understand that it is hard to come here sometimes. It can be a very sad place, but it is also a place where you will find amazing support and compassion. I hope you will visit when you feel able. Take care of yourself carol. I will be thinking of you.
Pam
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 1, 2005 19:01:52 GMT -5
Thank you, Denise and Pam. One reason I really wanted to come back is that I don't think anyone else can listen and care as well as people who also have experienced a great loss of a child. I appreciate that you understand that the anniversaries are hard. Well, every day is hard but on some days that intensity is just there. Denise, having the 20th birthday without your son has to be so difficult. Pam, you are so right! It feels like losing Aaron all over again! Thank you for saying that.
I will also say that I have some things to share when the time is right. Carol
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Post by missingjason on Nov 1, 2005 19:55:04 GMT -5
Carol, Glad to see you again. I know how you feel and thinking of God's plan is the only way I get through this. I wish we didn't have to be here but alas we are!
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Post by judiann on Nov 1, 2005 20:45:32 GMT -5
Carol, I'm glad to see you back, too. Your timing for checking back in is perfect, cause you didn't have to go thru all the "withdrawel symptoms" some of us did with SG being down!! Many of us {me!} sounded like a bunch of "nut cases" on the loose! We all have so much catching up to do.....bad days are still bad, badder days are even worse. Seems like we've been in a kind of "limbo" just waiting to get back to SG. The 1st anniversary is so very hard, but the days leading up to it is worse then the actual day. I didn't believe that was possible in the beginning, when I first came here, but it was true. We planned & had a simple memorial service for my son on his anniversary date & somehow managed to find some Peace that day. Many days are still unbearable tho. It was 19 months for me, Oct.29th. When the phone rings on a saturday afternoon, I pick up just knowing it's him, calling to tell me how things are going in his life. Strange as it sounds.....sometimes I think it is him on the other end of that "empty air" line. judiann
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Post by lindac on Nov 1, 2005 22:06:36 GMT -5
((((((((((((CAROL)))))))))
November will be a difficult month for you. I am so glad that you have come back. It is hard for others to understand the importance of anniversary dates or indeed the fact that we aren't "over it" yet. We never are over it but we do learn to get through it. Anniversary dates are so hard. One year is tough as we fully recognize that our child is no longer physically with us. They are forever held in our heart and we always carry part of them with us in whatever we do. Holidays are rapidly approaching and that presents yet more problems for us. Family time and yet there is a gap in our family makeup. We will survive but not without many tears and remembering.
Again, I am so glad you are back. There is support here as you work to get through the one year and holidays. We all understand only too well. Take care and post whenever you can. we will love to hear from you.
Love,
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Post by Corinne on Nov 2, 2005 9:01:38 GMT -5
Carol, welcome back. You are right, here at SG people really do understand.
I'll be thinking of you as your 1st anniversary approaches. Keep posting. We are here
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 3, 2005 18:01:44 GMT -5
Thank you for all of your kind replies. Today was another day that was incredibly hard for me. I had to get up early and go for lab work and mammogram. People mentioned the beautiful fall day and all I could think was that the day Aaron died was very much like this one...sunny and unseasonably warm. I wondered why I was getting a mammogram, feeling sometimes like trying to make sure I go on living doesn't make sense. Then I had an appointment with a psychologist and was just waiting to get there to talk. I only saw him once before and had prepared pictures of Aaron to take so he could know more about him. I got there and they said they had called me to cancel because he was sick. I just stood there and sobbed. Then I went back out to my car and called work and told them I coudn't come to work today and called again and said not tomorrow either. I went to talk to one of my pastors. I stayed home this afternoon and cleaned and cried and tried to make sense of all of this...and of course there is no sense.
Our family has decided not to get together for Thanksgiving. It is ON the date that Aaron died but the evening before will always be the worst to recall as he died the evening before. We think if we are together we will just make each other sadder. Our other sons are going to be with their wives' families. Our daughter couldn't come home anyway and will be with her husband and son at home. Gary and I are going to Michigan to be with his brother and his wife. They are very loving and supportive.
Thanksgiving was such a great family day for us that it is both very hard and very special that Aaron went to Heaven at that time.
Carol Aaron 3/7/74-11/24/04
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Post by pd2004 on Nov 3, 2005 18:27:15 GMT -5
As you noted elsewhere our sons share an anniversary date. This first year will be incredibly painful. A holiday that was always one of great joy, filled with family and friends. A holiday, that regardless of where we lived (overseas) we always celebrated, has now become a day that we are fearing. It will be undertaken with a heavy heart rather than the joy it once held. My wife and I briefly discussed what we would do this morning, but neither of us wanted to continue the conversation. We will be "celebrating" my birthday and that of two of our other sons the week before Thanksgiving, it will be hard to focus on the joy that they bring into our lives while missing our firstborn son. It sounds like your family has begun to prepare for the day. I pray it goes well for all of you.
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Post by Dougsmom on Nov 4, 2005 10:58:32 GMT -5
Carol,
I don't know if having the anniversary of our children's death mixed in with the holiday's means we get it over all at once, or adds to our heart break. My son Doug, died 12/2/02, the day after my birthday, 4 days after thanksgiving and 23 days before Christmas. I just can't get the numbers out of my head.
You know you are not alone here. Let's help each other through these next two months. Somewhere, there has got to be enough strength to get us through.
Leslie
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Post by shirley on Nov 6, 2005 19:30:57 GMT -5
Carol, We may not have "met" before on this board, but I understand what you wrote. It describes me perfectly when I return from a trip or an "event" that takes me away for awhile. To others who haven't lived with what we do, it is impossible to tell them. But I really felt the pain in your comment about the leaves falling again and the colder weather. I always have sadness at that time, anyway, before my losses. But now, it's intensified to the xth time! I hope we can help you as you face Nov.24th. Shirley
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Post by Corinne on Nov 7, 2005 9:22:00 GMT -5
I have thought about the dates too. Tim's death on the 11th of November, so close to Thanksgiving, my Bday and then Christmas. I remember that year was just a blur. Couldn't make much sence of any of it.
I am glad you found your way back here, we will be here when you need us.
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Post by joan on Nov 7, 2005 9:50:09 GMT -5
Dates are hard - Gordie's birthday is near or on our Canadian Thanksgiving - it will always be sad. He died July 30 - 3 weeks before my birthday and I feelt that too.
Blessings
Joan
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Post by MomofBuilder on Nov 15, 2005 7:14:20 GMT -5
Pd2004 One of the things that I am hoping to be able to do is find some time alone to thank God for Aaron's life. I won't be angry with God that Aaron is with him. I am so grateful that he gave him to us to share his life on earth. We are greatly blessed by that. I think the pain of loss is great because the love is great.
I will be thinking of you on Thanksgiving...the one-year anniversary.
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