My Jared

[jaredsmommyforever]

Today is a year and a half since my beloved Jared got hurt, and then early into the 16th he died. It seems surreal and impossible that this is true. It makes me SICK and I miss him so much.

J, Mommy misses you so much! I love you with ALL of my heart and soul.

Jared's Loving Mommy FOREVER AND EVER

[pamela]

Hi denise,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Denise))))))))))))))))))))))))))),

Your words special volumes Denise and I understand every single one of them. Denise, 3 years, 6 months and 14 days later I still can't believe that Michael isn't coming home. That I am a mother of a child who has died. It still to this day overwhelms me.

I understand also that you, like me are very afraid of letting go of the pain. Letting go of our pain, is like letting go of the love we have for our boys and that is just wrong.

In some ways I think we do, do better some times and then other times its such a backslide. Your grief is still so very new. My T told me that the first 3 years are the hardest and I can see know what she means. I do find that my grief is not as intense as it once was, I am just incredibly heartbroken now.

I understand how you feel such a need to still mother Jared, you were robbed of so much of that privilege by losing him at such a young age. I know how much your heart aches from not being able to complete the job that you were destined to do. I think the physical missing is something we will never get over as the thought of seeing them just one more time plays through our mind over and over again.

AS much as we want to make them ever present in our lives it is a painful reminder isn't it...to see their pictures and how beautiful they were and then think of where their bodies lie now, never being held by us again...just so wrong.

I know its hard to not feel guilty that we are not the carefree, happy people we once were, but we are surviving, we are mothering our children...we are doing the absolute best we can. Yes our lives have changed, our children's lives have changed, I guess at some point we have to make peace with that. our new "normal" is just that...different and new.

Please know you and your sweet Jared are always in my thoughts. I don't know if you saw but I put his name in the list I posted on Sunday on my board to honor him in the candle lighting ceremony. I was thinking of both of you that day, as I always do.

I wish I had better words to let you know that I understand how you feel and I wish I could wrap you in a hug...its just not fair Denise...it never will be...ever...but just remember that you will always be sweet Jared's mom forever and ever....Love you.

Love Pam

[myheart]

Tears are pouring down my face as I read your post. You have said everything, everything, I have been feeling. God, to know that you feel this way after a year and a half....I don't want to stop feeling the pain, because it's all I have left, I know that sounds strange. Sometimes my body just shuts down, just like you said, you go numb. You know exactly how I feel, I wish I could help us...I can't stand the thought of living without him. I don't want to..I to feel empty, I am only half a person. I am so sorry...I am so sorry......

[jaredsmommyforever]

Dear Pam,

Ah, dear friend, I have missed you. And no, I did not see that you had included us in your post about candle-lighting. Thank you, that warms my heart. I know that you know how I feel. For me, it is a warm blanket that I wrap around me. For you, I wish you had no idea how this feels. What a burden and a curse this is.

I love that you have added such great pictures. Thank you for sharing visuals of Michael and also Michelle and Bryan.

Thank goodness we all have you here. You are such a gift. Thank you for replying to me. It helps me feel less alone.

Love,

Denise
Jared's Mommy Forever

[jaredsmommyforever]

Dear My Heart,

Thank you so much for your reply. I know that this is easier for me to say to you than to myself, but your pain is not all you have left. You have your love for your son left, and your precious memories and experiences with him that no one can ever take away. You have your sensory impressions of him that will stay with you, and you will also have visits from him too. Not the ones you want, but he will still reach out to you. Sometimes in our pain our childrens' outreaches are harder to feel and be aware of, but they are there and they feel our love and they hear us talking to them. The love and the connection continues... it is just more intangible and not as frequent or under our control.

Thinking of you,

Denise
Jared's Mommy Forever

[andrea]

(((((((hugs))))))))

[jaredsmommyforever]

Thank you, Andrea. I really appreciate your reply.

My best to you,

Jared's Mommy
Forever

[judiann]

((((((Denise))))))

I'm not sure why, but the year and a half mark hit me harder than anything before.......

Somedays it's still impossible to believe, no this can't be real.....can it??

I send You Love, I Wish You Peace,

judiann

[jaredsmommyforever]

Dear Judiann,

So good to hear from you, sweet lady. Yes, so hard to believe. So much loss and tragedy. It just doesn't seem real. How can it be? I will never understand it.

Love back to you,

Denise
Jared's Mommy Forever

[elenasmom]

Hey Denise
Thinking of you and wishing you strength during this time.
Hang in there
Jen

[jaredsmommyforever]

Dear Jen,

Thank you so much for writing. The same right back at you.

Denise
Jared's Mommy Forever