Today is a very bad day...

[myheart]

I feel as if I am walking through clay. My body feels so heavy, I have no desire to move. I had my first day back to work today, I only stayed 4 hours. I've cried for 7 hours straight today...thats the longest so far. I have never been so sad before...so utterly devastated, so completely empty. I can't go on like this. I don't want to go on at all...I think about a year from today and thinking that I will be living with this, maybe doing better, maybe not, I can't even see straight. The pain comes from so deep. I've never cried so hard in my life. Work was awful. Driving home was awful. I wish my life were over. I looked at his picture today and for a moment I smiled until I had one of the "hit me" moments. I can't stand those. I broke down and never got back up. I want to scream, and yell, hit the wall, swing my fist, beg. I want him back so badly!!! I'll give anything, just send me back in time. I keep hoping this will be the last day I"m on earth, but here I am. I want to hold him. I just want to put my arms around him and rock him. I want to kiss his sweet nose. I hate every moment of every day. Please God give me back my baby...I miss you so much. I can't live without you. My heart is so broken. I look in the back seat and your not there. I bought french fries from McD's and you weren't there to steal the first one. I hate this, why is this happening. Oh please help me....

[pearlania]

I am so sorry for your loss. I dont even know what to say here, HUGS

[judiann]

(((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))

Everything you said, all the pain you feel.....we felt it too, we understand.
It's unbearable, impossible, beyond belief that we can have pain like this & still breathe....but we do. I still don't know how.......
Do you have family, friends to help you?? I hope so......this is too hard right now & you need someone with you, if thats possible.

I wish I had more to offer than cyber-hugs.....they help, but they're really not enough.

Love,
judiann

[heidiforever]

I think it would be really helpful if you got some cardboard boxes and a hammer and just go out into your garage or wherever you can go, and smack the h*ll out of them. Just let your anger out. You need to get that anger out of your heart. You say you don't want to go on and we've all been there, believe me. Our lives change so much after we lose our babies. Our priorities change. Our personalities change. Our hearts are forever changed. Relationships are so much harder. We want someone else to take the pain away, to carry the burden for us, but, unfortunately, as his mommy, this is something you have been chosen to endure. It's lonely. It sucks big time. I got to a point where I decided that I am living in this life just waiting. I am waiting here as a holding place to do all the things I was supposed to do before-go on to have more children, become a minister, whatever-until that wonderful day when I will see my children again. They wouldn't want mommy to be sad, and I don't expect your little boy would want that either. I know how hard it is to be a mommy and have to be the strong one, and now it's you who needs the "mommy". I am sorry I have to run, but I will be back later if you want to talk!

[pamela]

(((((((((((((((((((((My heart))))))))))))))))))))),

My heart aches so very deeply for you. I wish there was something I could do or say to take some of your pain away. I do know how you feel and I am so sorry that you have to feel this way. As Judian said please don't stay alone right now. I know on another post that you mentioned your family, can you go to them right now and just seek their comfort? I know they can't really understand how intense your pain is, but if they love you, that shouldn't matter right now. Please take care of yourself. We are here for you, keep on posting and sharing your grief with us.

Love Pam

[andrea]

:-( I remember those feelings so well. That's not entirely true, since I still feel them. But I remember the first few months, they were so paralyzing.

I still imagine holding Maddie in my arms and dream about kissing her little face, her lips, her neck. Holding her little body in my arms, running my fingers through her hair. I loved doing that. I always imagine it and it almost feels real, but it feels so sad. God I miss her.

I wanted to die. And I'm certain not afraid to now. But I do want to live, for my other children. I want to tell you that eventually you will find things to live for. You will find joy in things. You will smile again and there will be brief moments where you actually can imagine the future. I cant say it with 100% certainty, but I think you will. I can't say that the hurt will go away, that the pain will ease or that your heart will ever heal. I dont think it will, and I KNOW it won't for me. It still hurts just as much, I think I miss her even more now, but it also feels like maybe I've gotten used to it. Not really use to it but maybe I've been able to feel good things again. Unfortunatly even the good things are not as good, the happy moments aren't completly happy. Anytime something good happens, I always think...Maddie should be here. I wish Maddie was here. It hurts so bad that Maddie isn't here.

[Teeny's Mom]

Myheart,
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I can totally relate to the pain you are in. Nothing can compare to the anguish of losing a child. A part of our hearts is ripped out and life can seem so unfair and awful.
I believe that when Ally died, I had two choices. I could crawl up in a ball on Ally's bed and stay there, or I could give myself time to grieve and be angry and then, find a purpose for her life; find some good, somewhere, and try to use that to make a difference. To make her life matter, as short as it was. I so wanted to die, just like you. I didn't want to live one more moment without her.
But now, I have seen a glimmer of something different. I HAVE to know that she mattered. That all of our children mattered. I still miss her as much as I did the minute she died, and I still cry and ask myself if this is real? I continue to grieve. I beg to be with her still, but, slowly, I am beginning to understand that I need to take that grief, anger, anguish and turn it into something I can use to help others. She was "given" to me for a reason. I don't want to lose sight of that. There is not a moment, NOT ONE MOMENT, that I do not think about her...but, I can't change the fact that she was called home. I can't bring her back (even though I would give anything - ANYTHING - to have my Ally-Teeny back) I cannot make that choice. I can only have faith and trust that everything is part of the perfect plan. To take that "plan" and continue with it, even though I don't understand why? Maybe I am not supposed to understand. I don't know.
I agree with everyone that you need to pull in support from family, friends, anyone. You probably aren't going to like me for saying this, but have you contacted your Dr. and told him/her how depressed you are? It is normal to be depressed, but I am a little concerned for you. We all have been there and felt the most intense pain that anyone can feel. I am only saying this as a friend. Talking to someone ( a professional) regularly may help. I saw someone weekly for all 9 years of Ally's life ( because she was born ill) and almost a full year after she became an angel. I care and want the best for you. I am glad you keep posting here and I look for your posts. I wish I could be there to help you, to tell you it is OK, to take the pain for you. I feel the agony with you. Keep asking for help. Bang on something and keep letting it out. My heart aches for you and for all of us.
((((((myheart))))))