Another bad day...

[myheart]

I think I am the designated 'bring down the depressed' poster......There has not been a moment today that I have not cried...I just can't get past that I will never be with him again. My heart hurts so much......I'm just weak with grief. I have to go back to work on Thurs. I don't even know how I will manage. I work at a hospital, the same one.........I have been looking for a new job, but if I don't go back to work now, I lose my medical insurance and of course there are all those pesky bills I've had 3 weeks off...I can't believe how fast it's gone. It still feels like this happened yesterday. How am I going to work all day, pass the area were my baby lay. Life is to hard, living without him...there are no words. I can type and type but the pain does not dull. I can cry and cry and the pain does not dull. I think about the last 6 months, in all the moments I worried about THIS moment....I am SO ANGRY...I want to hold him so bad. I am so empty. Just once more....just for forever

[pamela]

My Heart,

Please don't worry about being a "downer" when you post. You are posting how you are feeling and that is very important. Keeping your grief and feelings locked inside you will only cause you more pain later on.

I know how much you are hurting right now, I can feel it in your words just how broken you are feeling each and every day. Sadly all of your feelings are "normal" and ones each one of us have felt.

It just doesn't seem real does it? It just doesn't seem possible does it? I think trying to get our brains to really accept that our children are no longer on this earth is something that takes years and years. I still stop and think some days...how can I possibly have loss a child???

I saw that you posted on the T/A Loss board. I am glad my heart that you are posting on our board, it moves a little faster than the YC board and there are many compassionate people there who will listen and wrap you in hugs when you need them the most.

I know that you are scared to go to work, and I think the first days back are definitely the hardest as you have to face everyone and their reactions. For you this task will be even harder as you are returning to such an emotional place. I wish I had some advice to help you through it. Please know that it is ok to have break downs...I cried so much to and from work and often at work during that first horrible year.

MY heart I know right now that everything is so overwhelming and that the pain you are feeling is the most awful pain you could ever feel. Please know though that in time your pain won't always be so raw, so intense....for me it took the first two years for me to even want to let the pain go. Sadly what I am trying to tell you is that as a grieving mother you are "normal".

I hope today brings you at least a few moments of peace as you remember your sweet boy and how absolutely beautiful and wonderful he was.

I know you shared some of his story but I would love to know more about your sweet boy, would you like to share more about him? When you are ready I will be here to listen.

Take care, Please know that you are never alone...here at SG. ((((((((((((((((((My heart)))))))))))))))))

Pam

[andrea]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's awful. You know I still cry almost everyday. There are days I don't, but they are few and far between. I still get in hysterical crying fits. It hurts so much. It just isnt' fair. I'm really sorry you have to go back to work so soon. I'll be thinking of you.

[heidiforever]

I know it hurts. I know it does. You aren't bringing me down, it's just really fresh to you, and you're in the grieving process and what you're experiencing is what we've all gone through. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I really don't. Just cry when you want to, and throw things when you want to and scream if you want to scream and sleep if you want to sleep. That's all I've got. And find someone to hold you and let you do all those things. It helps if you can give some of the pain away sometimes. And if there's someone you can call in the middle of the night, do it. And maybe consider seeing your Dr. to see if there is something you can take to help you sleep or something. OK, that's all I can think of. I am so sorry!