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Post by myheart on Dec 12, 2005 1:54:42 GMT -5
I feel as if I am going about the motions. You all know. Not to many are posting lately, maybe everyone is busy? Maybe I just depress everyone I was out and about today, my family cant sit still so we've been running around town. I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach so many time today. I had to fight off tears all day. At one point we entered a bookstore he and I went to all the time. We would sit and wonder through books. (He was still always ready to go first!) But the smell and the sweet quiet actually buckled my knees with pain. It feels like someone is taking a big tool and reaching into my chest and digging deeper and deeper until I am completely empty. Realizations hit me to often and I feel like I am choking. I can't find air to my lungs and I feel the hot tears sting my throat. I miss him so much. I want to end my life on this earth, I want to be with my boy so bad I want to jump out of my skin. I want to scream and bang on walls and beg for anything to work. I'm trying to push it all away, the pain is swallowing me. I don't want to get through this, I don't want to be without him a month, a year or ten years from now....I want to hold him, experience life with him, kiss his sweet cheek. I love him so much, I am so dead inside. I need him to come back to me, I'm never going to be okay again and I don't want to be. I don't want to be someone who is living through and with the death of my the most important thing in my world.....How will I survive one more day without him...how....
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Post by boogerbuttsmom on Dec 12, 2005 5:08:22 GMT -5
I am so sorry!! I completely understand where you are coming from though. I cant breath most of the time and it seems like just when I'm able to, there is something that sets me off again. I too ache for my daughter and I miss her soo much sometimes. At times it seems like everything was a dream. Then I remember that it was and is all too real.
Mandy
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Post by danielle on Dec 12, 2005 15:32:48 GMT -5
I know how you feel. The holidays don't make it any easier. It has been 24 weeks and 1 day since my little boy died. Everytime a new month makes its way on the calendar, I get ill. If we only had time machines. Nothing will ever be the same, but we have to go on. We have to trudge through the murky mud of this thing called grief. The first two months were just a fog. I really don't remember anything but crying and being sick. I still cry sometimes all day. but the thing that keeps me going is faith. I know one day I will see him again. And no matter how I feel, I know that if I did anything to harm myself, I could never see him again. Every day when I wake up, I don't want to face the light. But I pray for strength and suddenly it is there. Some days I have more than other days. Allow yourself some time to grieve. It has been less than a month. Right now things are as fresh as yesterday.... Take it one day at a time. Sometimes it is minute by minute. But do what ever you need to do to pull through this. We are all surviving this nightmare. Even though sometimes we don't want to. Take care of yourself, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. So sorry for your loss. I really hate to see another parent go through this kind of pain.
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Post by andrea on Dec 12, 2005 22:43:19 GMT -5
Its okay, you don't depress me. I get depressed all by myself ;-)
I know how you are feeling, so feel free to post away about it. I'm feeling the same way, but after 13 months, I have managed to live with it, as much as I don't want to. But it's still a daily struggle, it hurts so bad. I miss her more and more everyday that goes by. It at least gives me a little comfort to talk to others who know how much it hurts.
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Post by luvpoohbear71 on Dec 12, 2005 22:57:59 GMT -5
I just wanted to say I am so sorry. Tears streaming down my face, I wish I could hug you and try to comfort you. Prayers will be said...
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