Aghhh...My shrink needs meds.

[danielle]

I have been seeing a psychologist since the passing of my son. Up to Thursday she has been great. I was telling her how I am having a problem putting away Christopher's things, and how I am having flashbacks at night. She pins me with Obsessive Compulsive disorder. She says that I am hording Christopher's things, and that I need to just keep "important things". She says that instead of keeping his room as it was, I need to set a corner in there dedicated to him. It has only been 5 months since my little boy died. I am not going back to her. I need to find a psychologist that is a mother. The one I am seeing does not have Children. She says that we should not sell the house because we are running away from reality. Is reliving your sons death every day running? I see him everyday in that pool. I see him everyday with me trying to resuscitate him. I have 3 years of good memories, and I can't seem to get passed the one bad, horrible day. It is because the memory is tied to the house. She says that I should give away Christopher's things. I think she is smoking some wacky weed or something. It is not time for me to do that. Why are we set on clocks for our grief? Why should we be at such and such stage by now. I don't think all the time in the world will make things better, perhaps easier to swallow, but for now those things of Christopher's is the only things that I have left.

[jaredsmommyforever]

Dear Danielle,

Rest assured, you are 100% right. There IS no timetable on grief, and your path and your journey are your own. It is incorrect to pathologize your grief by giving you an inappropriate diagnosis. Your therapist is suffering a) from not being a mother (as you correctly stated) and b) from not having enough experience doing grief work. Otherwise, she NEVER would have said what she said to you, particularly after only five months. She should only be so lucky as to not know this grief intimately to know how wrong she is.

I am so glad that you are taking such good care of yourself that you are not doing as she suggests to the detriment of listening to what you know you need. Your instincts are right for you. And even if you have a change of heart at a later time, you would have worked up to that in your own time and on your own conscience.

Best of luck finding a therapist who understands this better. I am sorry to hear that you have gone through this.

My best to you,

Jared's Mommy
Forever

[emttori]

I never did go to see a psychologist after Aidan died. I read horror stories of how they treated people on here and I was terrified. I knew I was trucking through okay enough and was afraid they would screw me up more than I was.
I think you know what is best for you and cleaning up his things and deciding what to do with them, keeping them where they are or packing them up should be done gradually and in your own time. Part of the healing process is going through that and if you do it before you are ready, it will hurt more. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.

[Teeny's Mom]

Danielle,
I am sorry that on top of the grief for your son, you have to deal with a wacko psych. Here you are trying to heal and get through this and this person... I completely understand about the house being a reminder, a painful reminder. We are still looking to move. Ally did not spend her last minutes here, but we moved into the house the day she came home from the NICU. This house has always held the four of us. I've talked to other parents who have lost a young child and nearly all of them have moved.
As far as going through his things, take your time. Once you have gotten rid of things, they are gone forever. There is no time limit or rule to follow. You will know when you are ready.
My prayers are with you.

[lindac]

((((((DANIELLE)))))))

Your shrink has absolutely no clue!! I want to shake her/him for you! Reality is that unless someone has lost a child themselves they cannot possibly relate. They will never understand. This one also does not seem to have a grasp on grief period! It has only been 5 months!! Your grief is still so fresh and then add to that the fact that you have post traumatic stress! You will relive everything that went on that day. My goodness, how could you not! You will get rid of Christophers' things when and if YOU wish to. There is no timetable and indeed you may never get rid of anything. There is nothing wrong in that! Does this therapist have a clue of what Obsessive/Compulsive is? I don't think so. This is not even close!

Remember, grief is very unique for each of us and is a road we travel at our own pace. You are surviving and that is the most important thing. in time it will be gentler but not now. To get through this yo need to feel your emotions.In feeling and expressing you are dealing and making your way through not "over".

Holding you in my prayers.

[duffield95]

I am just here to say that I agree with everyone else. Your shrink does not have adequate experience to help you. There are shrinks out there that do, but you need to find someone on specific reccommendation or someone maybe who only is a grief counselor and nothing else. I would stay away from anyone who puts time limits on your grief whether it has been 5 months, 5 years, or a lifetime. One of my greatest sources of anger came when my inlaws tried to put a time limit on my grief at two months. I have never been able to forgive them and it has been 2 1/2 years.

[judiann]

I agree too. This woman has No idea about what she's doing!

I sincerely hope you find a therapist that is kind & understanding & can help you through your grief.

I also want to suggest that you report her or make a complaint to her supervisor. She does not have the experience, compassion or understanding to be a "grief counselor" to a Mother who has lost her child.
Everything she said to you is sooo wrong!

You know she is wrong & are not going back......& good for you!! But, I am concerned about the next Mother she says this cr*p to......her words can cause a lot of damage.......someone else might believe her & her stupid advice.

Keeping you in my prayers,

judiann

[heidiforever]

I think maybe a therapist who specializes in grief and loss is the way to go. I don't know if you have any church involvement or synagogue or anything, but I know a minister who counsels for little or no fees. You have to ask the right people, like if you know someone in your area who has suffered a loss, maybe you could ask them who they have seen. I went to these support groups, they have them all over, it was really nice to meet other people there who know and have been through these things: www.compassionatefriends.org/

[andrea]

Okay, so she thinks selling the house is running away but yet she thinks you should pack up his stuff? She seems a little confused.

Do what is right for you. I think everyone handles things differently and if you can't handle living in that house any more, then you shouldn't. I completely understand why you can't. And I don't think you should pack up his stuff or get rid of any of it. My daughter died 13 months ago (We've moved) but I haven't gotten rid of ANYTHING of hers, not even her carseat. I never will. I want to keep it forever so that is what I will do. Its all precious to me.

[velda]

My 2cents for what its worth There is no wrong or right, just getting through each day however you have to or can. Its your loss and your life so you get to decide whats best for you. We have been seeing someone on and off since Skye died ( about three times) . Then we found someone who was great for the children and she sees the kids every other week or when ever they need to see her. Its a tough call and yes it can help or just as easily be a disaster, in the end its only the person experiencing all that grief that really knows what its like 24/7.

My thoughts are with you and everyone else that has had to feel this firsthand.

Velda

[elenasmom]

Hi there,
Interesting Psychologist, can you ask her where she got her degree from so I can make sure I DON'T GO TO SCHOOL THERE!!!!!!!
I'm a psychology major, I even took classes on death and dying which seemed strange/grim at the time but now I am glad I did, it has helped me through this grieving process.............ANYWAY........She's an idiot, she missed the point of psychology and her major completely.
I would most certainly get another doctor but before you do, it would probably feel good to vent a little. Tell her to find another job-