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Post by myheart on Dec 9, 2005 14:37:34 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I was just thinking of you all....there have not been to many posts lately. Maybe you all are feeling like me...this season seems to magnify the pain...I wonder why that is? Maybe because it was so much about them. I loved watching my son open his gifts. I bought him one the other day. I did not know which was worse, not being able to give it to him or just not buying it at all.. I put it in his toy box. I feel sick all the time. Not flu sick, but that deep sickining feeling in the pit of your stomach. I want to cry and cry and cry. There are people around me this week and I find it frusturating that I can't really grieve. I just want to think of my sweet boy. I called to him the other day...I hoped for just a moment that he would come and this was all a bad dream. There are so many moments where I think of ending my life. The other part of me knows that I can't, if I do I wont ever be with him again. He's waiting for me in heaven and if I cant be with him now, I have to be with him in the next life. That one is forever....It's still so hard to be here living everyday without him. His toys sit unplayed with, his favorite bowl sits empty. I have no dinner to cook for him or outings to surprise him with. I love him so much. How can this be our life....I just want to hold him. My mind plays back over the end, the last week was so hard for him, it breaks my heart. I try not to think of those moments, but the good ones. The sharpness in my chest is so painful. I'd give anything to have my baby back....I hope you all are doing as well as you can. I send my prayers for you...Sorry this was so long..I just got to talking...I send wishes of peace to you all...
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Post by andrea on Dec 9, 2005 21:15:52 GMT -5
Hi there. It has been hard lately. I hate saying that because it makes it sound like other times aren't hard. They all are. But anytime something special happens, or on the holidays or birthdays it just hits so hard that Maddie should be here. I just look through her pictures and cry. I miss her so much. My friends just had a baby girl, I went to the hospital and held her and it felt so good to have a little baby girl in my arms. I wish I had Maddie to hold. I just miss her so much. Sorry to go on, I just talk to anyone about it anymore. Not really sure why, I think of her all the time, but just keep my grief to myself. I juess it's just easier to let it all out when I'm alone.
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Post by Teeny's Mom on Dec 9, 2005 23:23:53 GMT -5
myheart, I am glad to see you posting regularly. This is a very difficult time of year. I was just at an office party and all the ladies were going on and on about decorating and this and that. One turned to me and asked how I had decorated. I told her that I have not gotten the decorations down since Ally died and I may not ever again. Ally loved Christmas. She played with every decoration and decided which ones went where. Then she would re-arrange them all every week. I can't bear to look at them. If it weren't for my 14 year old, I would skip the whole thing. Hang in there through this horrible roller coaster. I am glad you can think of all your wonderful memories of you son. I wish I could tell you how to make it easier. Time... Time takes the edge off and the pain is not so raw. Keep posting.
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Post by judiann on Dec 10, 2005 1:47:43 GMT -5
Dear "myheart"
May I ask what is your name?? It's just easier to know, because we all answer to "my heart" after the death of our child. My heart died 3/29/04......he was 35. My story is different than yours....but still the same in many ways...... Can you, will you?? .... tell us about your son, you?? Most think it's really hard to talk about at first.......I've found it's harder to talk about later. The holidays makes it even worse. Talk to us if you can.....thats the only way we can help.
judiann
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