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Post by myheart on Dec 3, 2005 2:22:38 GMT -5
My family is trying to help, but they don't understand. My mother and aunt flew in from out of town to spend a couple days with me and watching them be able to laugh or smile or go about there lives is so devestating. They mean well, they of course loved him to and were a big part of his life and I know their trying to stay positive for me but even being out is to hard. I want to start screaming in the middle of hundreds of people. I have so much anger and hate! inside of me. It is so unnatural. All I can think about is my sweet baby. I want to hold him in my arms so badly I double over in pain. I would give the rest of my life for one more day. I find myself asking what can I do to get him back. I pray to God to let me close my eyes and wake up a year ago, give him back to me. I stare at his pictures and die inside over and over and over again. I love him so much, this is so painful. I just want to scream! and NEVER stop.....sorry this is so horrible, I am just so devestated. Please give me back my baby........
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Post by pamela on Dec 3, 2005 6:57:27 GMT -5
Dear My heart,
I am so sorry that you are feeling such intense grief right now. I know how hard it is to feel the emotions you are feeling. Believe it or not everything you speck of is "normal" for a grieving parent. I know right now nothing makes sense, of course you have anger, of course you want to scream, your precious son is gone but yet you still have to live each day without him, I know right now that seems so hard.
What was his name? I read that he was nine.
It must have been so hard to stand by and watch his illness over take him. I am so sorry that you had to go through this and that nothing could be done.
My heart keep posting, keep letting out those feelings. WE all have felt various emotions at different times. Please lean on those that can support you during this trying time.
Please take care of yourself and when your ready to share more about your sweet boy, I would love to listen.
Pam
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Post by Corinne on Dec 3, 2005 10:33:07 GMT -5
Myheart, your feelings are not unnatural. They are so normal. You have experienced the worst possible tragedy any parent can live through. You have had your child ripped from you, a piece of your heart is gone forever. There is no greater pain.
Share with us, what is your name? What is your son's name. First names are ok. We want to be here for you. It is hard for family members to help. They are hurting and grieving the loss and they feel so helpless to comfort you. Many just do not understand because they have never lost a child. We do understand.
Peace to you
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Post by melody on Dec 3, 2005 12:01:12 GMT -5
Dear my heart,
I am so so sorry for the depth of grief you are feeling for the loss of your precious son. How I wish I could wrap my arms around you and say this too will pass. But I can't and for each of us, the time it takes for it to pass is so different.
How well, I remember this intense pain of wanting to scream at the world and those around me who kept going on and on about their daily life and wanting to make it better for me. The only thing that would make it better would be to have my Matthew with me again.
My sister lost her first born daughter at 3 days old, she died in her sleep at home practically in my sister's arms as she slept, too. She had contracted a strange ecoli infection at birth that was dormant until it finally took her little life. But what I want to say is this. 3 weeks after we buried little Haley, we took my sister and brother in law camping with us on our vacation. It was hard for my sister but she trooped along. Then we went to the acquarium, t here were babies all around us. We were surrounded by them. My son scared my sister with a "SSSSSSSSSSSSS" sound as we passed by the snakes and she slapped him hard. Thankfully, he was 16 and understood a little about how she was feeling. Then a new baby rolled past us in a stroller with her proud mom and dad and my little sister lost it completely. I wraped my arms around her as she crumpled to the floor in intense grief and loss. I rocked her back and forth until she could cry no more. I don't know what the others thought and I really don't care. To this day, 7 years later, I remember it so well.
You see I had all ready lost my son in '91, I knew the grief, I knew she needed to cry. If your aunt and mother have not lost a child of their own, they don't know what you need or really how intense the grief can be. Let them read this, maybe. But know, they hurt in a way you don't understand either for they took care of you and love you and they see you hurting and want to make it better for you and are trying their best. Just remember they love you!!!!!
I pray you will have some peace today. Share more about your son with us when you can.
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Post by Teeny's Mom on Dec 3, 2005 12:46:43 GMT -5
Dear myheart,
Your family is trying to help the only way they can. They can never know the intensity of your pain. I remember Thanksgiving was three days after Ally died. She hadn't even been buried yet. I was supposed to cook the dinner, before she died, now I found myself in a restaurant with in laws and other family who had come to be supportive. I, too, remember looking around at everyone having conversations and laughing at jokes. I wanted to get up and yell at everyone and run out of the place. I just wanted time to go back, just like you, to Monday morning - not take her to school for the last time, not meet her at the ER..... But, one year later, I have realized that time is not going to cooperate with me. I can't go back. And it hurts OH does it hurt. If I could give you back your baby, I would, I really would. Like everyone else said, keep posting. Getting the feelings out helps so much. Everyday I check to see your posts just so I know you are OK for that day. (((((myheart))))))
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Post by andrea on Dec 3, 2005 20:09:15 GMT -5
It's good you are posting how you feel. That's exactly how I felt after I lost my daughter. Those around were helping so much, taking care of my other children, cooking, cleaning, doing the things I just couldn't. I'm so glad I had them but its hard to see the world just continue on. It hurts and is just unbelievable. I remember feeling all the things you are describing and the truth is I still feel that way. I think over time I've just adjusted to feeling that way. But my heart is still completely broken. When I look at her pictures (and I do everyday) my heart aches and like you said, I almost double over in pain. I know that it doesn't ease your pain and never will, nothing will, but you're not alone. We are all going through it here and I hope you can find at least a little comfort in that. Its sometimes helpful to me to hear others stories and here about their children and imagine their children in heaven with my Maddie. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm sorry you lost your son. Life just isn't fair. :-(
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Post by myheart on Dec 3, 2005 20:49:26 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your support...It touched me to read that you check my post Cindee, that is so kind...It is nice to hear from all of you, your understanding means a lot. I already find myself needing SG. All I want is to be with my baby. I miss him so much. Thats all I can say today...I hope you all are doing well and are finding peace tonight. This holiday is so hard...I saw a commercial for Santa pictures at the mall and I lost it. I took him every year, it was a wonderful Christmas event....
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