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Post by myheart on Nov 30, 2005 20:27:16 GMT -5
I keep having these moments where I suddenly realize this is not going to end. He's not coming back...ever. I wake up and it hits me like a fist, he's not here. I keep reliving all of our memories and that seems worse then staring blankey at a t.v. I want to hold him so badly it physically makes me ill. It hurts! This is the worst thing I will ever go through. How to you care about anything anymore? Taking a shower, cleaning your house. I miss him more than I could ever say. I want to stop breathing just to be with him again. I can't beieve this happens. Two weeks ago I had the best boy in the world, 7 months ago I had a healthy happy boy, and now....my life is pointless.......
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Post by andrea on Nov 30, 2005 20:35:43 GMT -5
I wish I had answers for you. I do care about things now. I care about my husband and children, I care about the house being clean and dinner being cooked. But it's taken me awhile to get here. Its been 13 months since I lost Maddie and for a long time I didn't want to do anything. I didnt want to live. And not much really mattered. Things matter to me now but honestly the pain is still there and it's as strong as it was before, Ive just learned to live with it. My heart still aches and is still completely broken. I still cry so hard that I feel like I'm going to be sick. I still feel sad and angry and empty everyday, but I guess I've just learned to live with it. :-( Maybe I'm adjusting, but certainly not willingly. I wish none of us had to hurt like this. I wish we didn't get to fall totally in love with our children and have them fill our lives with love and laughter and all the good things they bring to us, only to lose them and have to live without them. Most of all I wish that none of our precious angels were gone, that they could be here, with their mothers arms around them. I wish so hard that I could hold Maddie, kiss her, touch her hair and just hold her little body close to mine. The memories are precious, but they hurt so bad. It still kills me to think that I will never have her back. Not on this earth anyway.
When did you lose your son?
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Post by duffield95 on Nov 30, 2005 21:09:25 GMT -5
I have been there where you are and it is the closest thing to h*ll that I think I could experience. I didn't care about anything for a year. I didn't care if I died. I wanted to die every single day just because I no longer had a reason to live. I didn't eat, sleep, talk, laugh, smile, or take precautions with anything I did because nothing mattered except the fact that she wasn't coming back. It hurt so deep that I couldn't even fathom the pain. I just felt it and it rocked everything I ever believed in. There is nothing that I can say or do to ease it for you, because it doesn't get better. You will experience this for the rest of your life. The only thing that will change is that somehow you will learn how to control your feelings so that when you feel the pain coming, you can push it out of your mind for a little while.
When I think of the days following her death, it makes me sick to my stomach because I know how that pain feels. It is raw, searing, burning the insides of your flesh because you just want to do whatever it takes to go back in time and cheat death. I screamed alone in my house begging God to give her back to me. I was willing to do anything and everything to bring her back. Eventually I found out that she wasn't going to come back, no matter what I did and I think that broke me in half. I have never recovered from that revelation. Somehow though, I have managed to care about things in my life and find a reason to live again. It was a VERY long time though before I could even begin to think about myself.
Please just know that when I read your words, I feel so deeply for you and your pain. Everytime I read one of your posts I just wish I could grab you and make it all better. I can't do anything and I think that hurts too. Please continue writing and expressing what you are feeling because it will at least release those thoughts that are spinning around constantly in your brain. We are here!
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Post by myheart on Dec 1, 2005 21:53:42 GMT -5
Thank you both for writing. To answer one question, I lost him exactly two weeks ago tonight. I watched home videos tonight and I can barely breath. The pain is so intense. I want to just die. I hope both of you are finding peace. I hope our children feel our love and bond together in heaven. How will I ever live again....Goodnight all....or really just "night."
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Post by Teeny's Mom on Dec 2, 2005 0:05:51 GMT -5
Oh, my heart,
I read your posts and I know exactly how you feel. You are writing what I felt right after Ally died. I soo feel your pain and understand how you just want to die. The pain is so intense. I am so proud of you that you continue to write on this board. It is so good to get your feelings out and what better place than where people truly understand the immense pain that you are going through. Our children are definately together in heaven and they most definately feel our love. I wish I could take this pain for you. Trust me, I don't want anyone to experience the immense suffering that goes with losing a child, but I can't do anymore than tell you I understand. Keep writing, keep watching home videos and being real with your feelings. I hope that you will find peace. I know you will. It may not be easy, but you will. Everyone at SG is here with you. You are not alone. (((())))
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Post by jaredsmommyforever on Dec 2, 2005 20:23:59 GMT -5
Dear My Heart,
Reading what you have been writing is breaking my heart. I know intimately each emotion you are feeling and I feel so sad knowing that you are going through such immense pain and loss-- that all of us are. I can only echo what the others have written-- you are not alone. For however much that helps, even just a moment's respite, it is true. Coming to Silent Grief and knowing that there were others who understood the feelings that I thought I could not survive was some of the only soothing I felt in the beginning. And you have found this life-saving website much sooner than I did.
I know I kept saying that while I could not survive what I was feeling, I also had no wish to feel better or differently. That felt so wrong and unnatural to me. I am just stuck with my belief that we are here for a purpose, so we must remain until it is our time. We may not know what that purpose is and it may have little meaning for us now, but the fact remains. I try to tell myself many things to make sense of being without my beautiful son--- that I need to make him proud up there, that I need to experience life so he can see it through my eyes and feel it through my heart, that I have growing to do and doing that growing will bring me together with him sooner...
Your loss is so fresh and new, I don't know how anything can make any sense to you now. Just getting through each day is all the task you need. We are here for you to help with that in any way we can.
My heart is with you,
Jared's Mommy
Forever
P.S. To you or anyone else... I have done extensive reading on the afterlife. If anyone wants any resources that were helpful to me, please don't hesitate to ask. Reading on this subject has helped me tremendously. Knowing that Jared is around is the only hope I have that I can get through this.
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