Intense Anger Anyone?

[elenasmom]

Hi there-
I hate to post things that are negative. I try to write positive things when I come here so that maybe I can encourage the readers of what I write instead of passing on any negativity. But if you all don't mind. I desperately need to vent.
I am angry. So angry it hurts to breathe, eat, or sleep. I haven't slept in weeks. And I can hardly eat on a daily basis which makes me tired and weak and even more moody. The strange thing is that I know and am well aware that anger is one of the 5 stages of grief, I just figured that I had moved past that stage and was moving on to another stage when I seemed to have relapsed into this intense anger again.
It mostly seems to pop up when I come in contact with ignorant people. People who think nothing of anyone else but themselves. People who are so self involved they never stop to think of how good they have it. The news or newspapers make me angry too. If I read of one more person who abuses, neglects, kills, kidnaps, or harms another child I think I might actually explode - It disgusts me!!!!!!! People who throw their children away like they are nothing - It's Insane!!!!
I guess that's why I'm so angry, because I wanted my baby more than anything and she's gone, she couldn't live and I would have given my own life just so she could live hers but I couldn't and other people have gifts in their children and don't even see it.
I want her back so badly it hurts....... It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and having a girl. I used to be the one who was so excited for anyone I found out was having a baby. Now I feel guilty because I am happy for them but I feel so sad at the same time because I feel like I just can't and don't have the strength to be there for them, or share in their happiness. The last baby I held was my own and I don't want to hold any other baby because of that - Is that normal?
I'm sorry for rambling so much, I felt like I needed to explode a little, just vent. I've never really done that before, I just felt like I needed to.
Thank You for listening
And I promise, next time you all hear from me, It will be a positive thought

[davidsmom]

Anger was my first, middle and last name - for the longest time. Don't worry about posting "negative" here...thats why we are here...to help support through good and bad times.

You have to let it out or you will explode. Try not watching the news...I know thats hard, but really - it does kill ya. I would get so mad, I would be crying as I watched tv, read the newspaper...its so upsetting when all you want is to hold your baby, and then you read horrible stories about neglected children. My big thing when David died was I didn't understand how a crack addict could have a healthier baby than me. I was so angry. Why are they intrusted with a miracle, but yet I did everything I thought was right only to have my baby die for no known reason. I don't get, I still don't. That will never change. But my anger has changed. I'm not so eaten up by it anymore, but then it's been 3 years. It takes time - and as far as the stages of grief - well, there is no real order. you go back and forth between them.

And you are normal. Its completely normal to only want to hold your baby. I didn't go to bday partys, showers or anything like that for at least 2 years...and I never knew if a sight of a pregnant lady was going to make me sob. It sucks. Grief sucks. Losing are children...no words to describe the pain. But there is a saying that I read the other day that I tend to like. It may sound cliche'...but it makes sense to me.

Time heals what reason can not.

Currently I'm living by that...because I can't find any reason to be with out my boy. But with time, I'm finding more peace.

(((HUGS)))

[Teeny's Mom]

Anger is one of my major emotions at times. It is hard for my DH but he understands that we all handle things differently. The teachers at my DD's school are afraid to mess with me because I will seriously bite their head off if they mess around with my DD. (Her math teacher sent a progress report saying she was getting a C because HE had not recorded all of her homework (she is a 4.0 student) - she was sobbing - I flipped out and ripped him a new one. - She now has an A) One thing I have learned, especially from everyone here, is to allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel. If I am angry, then that is what I need to heal. Punch a pillow, scream and shout in the shower, whatever it takes to let it out. Venting here is perfect.
My child was older, but I still do not feel comfortable around others who have children the age my DD was. I can't look at the ads for children's clothes and forget about Toys - R - Us! Like Davidsmom said, you are normal. Let yourself heal. From what I gather from everyone here, and from my 1 year on this journey. It takes time. You will feel better - you will! Post often and vent away.

[elenasmom]

Thank you both -
It's amazing how just hearing others who identify with me, helps me .
Makes me feel not so alone out here.
Thank you (See that's nice and positive )

[mypreciousashley]

I did not loose a child of many years. I lost a very young developed baby who I grew to be in love with. She taught me a love I had never known.

I can so relate to the anger issue. I feel so angry inside just like you that there are women out there in the world doing drugs and having healthy kids. I did everything the doctors told me to do. I even quite my job. I still lost my baby. I am so angry and feel bad but angry at God that my baby is not in me. I miss being pregnant and feel guilty as singel christian women for my sin but I loved what was in me. I want my baby back. I miss her and im mad she is gone. I wish I never knew this type of pain its so hard.

love

Debbie

[heidiforever]

I was well aware of the stages also, but was shocked and a little ashamed when I figured out I was angry. As soon as I was told by someone that it was normal, and given a hammer and some boxes, a blow torch and a fire pit, I was much better! It felt so good to get it out physically. It's almost like a poison, the way it seeps into your very core. You go on and BE angry when you need to be! Let it out or it will overcome you! Hugs to the moon and back!

[andrea]

I understand. And you shouldn't worry about posting negative things, if you need to get it out, do it. I think we all need to. A lot of my friends are pregnant too, and having girls. I'm so happy for them, but it's still hard. I feel envious. I feel angry that my baby girl is gone. I feel afraid that I will stay distant from them because it will be painful for me. :-( It's been over a year. Actually, over a year and a month and it still hurts the same. I never talk to anyone about it. I don't know why. I talk to myself about it everyday. It hurts just as much. My friend asked me yesterday if I still cry. I said yes! I cry all the time. I still cry hysterically sometimes. IT's horrible and my heart is completely broken and it hasn't healed at all. :-( I can manage now, I take care of my sons and am happy with them. I smile when others are around, and I feel happy at times but it's always clouded and never completely happy becaue Maddie isn't here.

I guess I never to vent a little too. Sorry for the novel. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. You aren't alone. I wish I had something more insightful but I don't think there is anything to make us feel better.

[myheart]

Yes, yes and YES!! I agree, don't feel guilty or sad for feeling anyway you do!! I am so angry and hurt. I hate waking up in the morning. I understand, I get so frusturated. I look in the back seat and he's not there watching me:> or excited to go somewhere, or under my feet when I cook dinner. I want to scream I miss him so much. I found myself sitting in a dry bathtub crying and screaming from the pain. It's hurts physically to do anyting. To exsist. I understand how angry you are (were). I hope each day brings less hurt and more peace. Maybe for me to.