How do you make it stop?

[locito]

** Warning...this could be upsetting to some ***


I'm kind of an oldie around here, so I do somewhat feel as though I should know the answer to this, but it has come back and hit me like a freight train. The last couple of days I have been seeing Elena dead....seeing myself pulling her out of the crack between the bed and the wall.....and then I get very overwhelmed imagining her being stuck there, gasping, and possibly crying, and wanting help so bad, and I didn't help her. I feel sick with this overwhelming guilt. I want to take away any pain and suffering she felt that night. I hate myself so much right now. I wish I could make that night go away so bad...I just want my baby back. I cant' stand this anymore.

I continue on in this world for my beautiful Andrea...and my husband, but I can't help but feel so often that my Elena is in Heaven without her mommy and daddy and she needs us with her. I miss her more than words can say....I don't want to have Christmas without her....I want to see her opening up her gifts, sitting on Santa's lap, and just laughing and giggling as she always did. I miss hearing her chuckles. I just love her so much, and I ache not to have her to hold.

No more to say....just had to explode for a miniute.

[Corinne]

{{{{{{Alicia}}}}}}}}

I am sorry these thoughts are with you right now. It has to be hard to get those images out of your head. It is so unfair for a baby to die, any baby.

Please do not be so harsh on yourself. You know you are a good mother. You know you never would willing allow your child to be hurt. Please be gentler on yourself. I think the upcoming holidays and Elena's angel date are probably setting off these triggers.

Take care

[andrea]

I go through something similar. Maddie passed in her sleep, but I was the one to find her in her crib and pick her up and carry her. It's such a horrible memory. Sometimes it hits me and I can't help but picture it and it just makes my heart ache. I don't know how to make it stop. :-( But you aren't alone. I feel the same way. I feel so sad that coming up is ANOTHER Christmas without her. I feel so angry and sad that we only got to have 1 christmas with her, or 1 birthday with her. I miss her so much and it never seems to get any better.


(((((((((((hugs))))))))

[pamela]

((((((((((((((((Alicia)))))))))))))))))))),

Sweetie,

I am so sorry that you are having these flashbacks. I can only imagine how incredibly painful they must be to have but yet you can't stop them.

We all have many questions surrounding our children's deaths and unfortunately remembering that fateful day is a way to try and work out those questions. I know nothing I could say can take away the guilt you feel, but please remember it was an ACCIDENT!!! You loved your little girl with all your heart, you never could have even imagine that she was in any danger. That is why it is so hard to understand, it just doesn't make sense.

I think Corrine may be right the holidays and the approach of the year anniversary are very, very hard. Its like reliving it all again. Of course you love your Dh and your new little one, but its understandable that your heart aches for Elena, she is a part of you and that part is now missing.

Alicia are you receiving any kind of counseling? I hope that you are not having to deal with all of these emotions on your own and you have someone to talk them through with.

Please know we are here for you, I know it must have been very hard to type this post, but how your feeling is so understandable for what you have gone through, I understand Alicia. Please know that I am here for you. Please take care of yourself. I am sorry your heart is aching so badly.

Pam

[davidsmom]

(((hugs)))
I'm not sure if it stops...David's 3rd bday is on Thanksgiving. I'm having some pretty tough flashbacks myself.

I can't stand myself these days...I'm eating out of control, I don't want to move...I'm very depressed, I'm hoping once this week is over, I'll start to feel somewhat normal again. But I'm not sure. I don't like the holidays. Ever since David died, not a whole lot of joy in them. I do have my Matthew, and that is something I do focus on. He is a delight. But the missing of David can be overwhelming these days.

My flashback is a scary one too...and it doesn't seem to stop. I try not to think but everytime I close my eyes, all I see is David after death. And it stabs me in the heart. Earlier today I was looking at our video camara, and we still have David's pics on the memory stick. The first pics when he was in the machine when they switched hospitals, then my dh filmed him for 5 min straight and you hear all the whooshing of the machines, and you hear my husband say "hang in there little guy, hang in there" I lost it. I wasn't expecting that.

Do you have a stuffed animal to hug? I know it's not the same...but I have this stuffy I call David's bear, it's been in Matthews room for a long time till recently I took it out because I needed to hug it - I've kept it in my room and have used it a few times to catch my tears.

Sending prayers your way tonight, may you find some comfort ((HUGS))

[judiann]

((((((((Locito))))))))

Every nite, as we tuck our babies in, kiss them goodnite, wish them "sweet dreams" knowing all is well, all is safe......never thinking in our wildest imagination, our worst nightmare, the simple act of turning over, just the wrong way at the right time, would change our lives forever.

My son inherited "narcolepsy" {sleep of the dead} from his father.....I can't count how many times I woke my son, to find he had vomited in his sleep & didn't know it....he never choked, gagged, called out.....I Never heard him, I didn't know & I was only just an open door away.......how he managed to survive his childhood, without choking to death, I don't know. I spent Years watching him, checking him thru the night......& it made no difference. He died in a car accident.

"Imagine", if you can, she was asleep & truly did Not know what happened, she did not gasp or suffer, cry for help....... I know, it's almost impossible to believe....but Honey, unless you had tests done to tell you different.......maybe it was that simple...... she never knew.

I wish I could make that night go away for you......but no one can.
Your Elena is in Heaven & she's doing just fine......waiting til one day when she has mommy & daddy again. I'm pretty sure she's safe there & in really good hands......it is Heaven

Love to You,
judiann

[locito]

I truely love you all so very much. Life is just so hard, but I'm so happy I have you all to get through this journey with me. Pam, yes, I started counseling right after Elena passed away, and went nonstop until just a couple of months ago. I was doing so much better, so my counselor suggested that I start coming only when I felt I need it. I do need it now, but its a little embarassing to say that money is so tight right now that I really can't afford to pay my co-pay to go. It doesn't help that my husband is away in Mexico now for 7 weeks. I'll be going in 3 wks to be with him for 11 days. This is my first trip back since Elena died there. Miguel asked me not to go if I didn't think I could handle it, and if I thought I'd not be able to have a good time due to Elena's memory of death in their home, I was certain I could handle it, and I bought the ticket. I want his parents to see their new granddaughter. I just hope I can get control of my emotions before take off.

Once again....I love you all so much, and I'm sorry we had to meet like this. God bless each and every one of you, and I pray that God give you strength to get through.

[heidiforever]

You know what I think is really cool? I don't know what your beliefs are but I got this image of her sitting not on Santa's lap, but on God's lap! I have no idea what could possibly be better!

I know how it feels to yearn to be with them, I do. I feel for you! (((HUGS)))

[lindac]

(((((((((((ALICIA)))))))))))

I am so very sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. No parent can ever protect their child enough. Accidents happen. That is why they are called accidents. One cannot stand over a child and watch every moment of the day. Yet, we all beat ourselves up over and over again with guilt. we feel we should have been able to save them. You are a good mother and Elena would be proud of you.

Going back to Mexico may be difficult but you realize that and because of that i think you will find the strength. You want the grandparents to see their new granddaughter. You will be strong and they will be so happy to see Andrea.

Praying that you find comfort and peace.