Our board is slow

[iamd3w]

I find myself reading many of the boards but I believe I belong in here the most--this is where most of my pain comes from : losing my daughter after three and a half years. I have had two miscarriages too but it is nowhere near the pain of losing Rhianna. Its so hard, I went from having one child with severe disabilities to her and a new born son, then back down to one baby boy who is way independant. I feel so useless. I clean the house, feed the child, type on the computer, oooOOOooo. I don't know what to do with myself. The 24th will be 2 years since she's been gone but it feels like yesterday

[Corinne]

Please do not considerate yourself useless. You are very much needed. Your son is thriving because of you. I do know the feeling of having a disabled child and then a "normal healthy" child. It seems like they are independent but the truth is, they always need their mom. My living children are 21 & 17 and they still need me.

I understand you feeling that you belong on this board, but feel free to come on over to the LOTA board. The age of our children when they died does not matter. We all are grieving the loss of our children

[pamela]

Dear Rhianna's Mom:

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, she is beautiful.

This board does move slow..it always has. Please do come and visit us at T/A loss board as Corrine suggested. It doesn't matter the age of our children, we all share the same grief. Our board is very active, you will never feel alone there.

I understand your feeling of thinking your not doing anything productive right now, but your being a mom to your son and grieving at the same time, thats a lot to take on. I do know though that working does make me feel better about myself. Is there something that you could do to get you out of the house? I know that working may not be an option right now but how about joining a Mom's group? I don't know if your ready for that. I know sometimes its easier to just be by ourselves but getting out does feel better once done a few times.

Corrine, I and a few others from our board often hop over here to lend support. Your not alone hon. We are here for you.

Take care of yourself and keep on expressing your grief. We understand.

Pam

[iamd3w]

I have been popping in to a playgroup but the thing is I am terribly shy and have anxiety when trying to "talk" to someone I don't know. The other women there seem to have their own clicks and I been there three times and noone even asked me my name or even said hi. Its hard enough for me to just walk through that door with my heart pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears. I been hurt so much throughout my entire life that I am scared to death. When I was growing up I was called names and left to be by myself. A couple times I thought I had a friend but it turned out they were being forced on me. It was a miracle I even met my husband--he came right to my house and never really left after the first time we met. I don't know what is really wrong with me. I had one good friend in high school but after my daughter died I never really heard from her again--I figured she just didn't know how to talk to me anymore and I tried to continue to be her friend but she never returns my calls or come over so I have pretty much given up on her. I wrote her a letter and told her I missed her but I haven't heard back still. I was there for her when her mom died and helped her trough that and now I thought it my turn but she has abandoned me. Does anyone have any suggestions for someone with this much hurt to find a friend (offline) If it weren't for all my friends on this computer I don't know what I would do. If I don't find someone else to lean on I think I'll smother my hubby and I don't want him to leave too. I wish I could just walk up to someone and say 'will you be my friend' or even just 'hi, I'm Dominique' its just not that easy.

[Corinne]

Dominique, this has to be so hard for you. I am not sure how to help you find friends, maybe another play group for you son. sometimes we just don't click with people at first. How about through church? It is sad that our friends pull away just when you need them the most. They simply do not know how to react anymore. It's almost like they are afraid of us, we have some sort of disease. Please do not give up. Write a note to your friend explaining your feelings. Giver her a chance.

sorry, I just re-read your post and see that you did try writing to her. Do you work outside of the home? Maybe others will have more ideas.

Corinne

[iamd3w]

I don't work because I want to get pregnant again and I don't want to have to quit my job or take a leave(we don't need the extra money either) Thought I would stay home and take care of my son myself.

[pamela]

(((((((((((((Dominque)))))))))))))))),

I do understand, I am some what of a shy person. My social skills took a long time to develop because of stuff i went through at a younger age also. I understand how hard it must be for you to go to those play groups and then to be ignored, very hard. I think you are probably right, the regulars have cliqued up leaving you feeling out of place especially if your shy.

I think Corrine had a good idea, maybe trying a different one, or joining something that has a new start date so your starting new with others.

Grieving can be so lonely, we often do want to just stay inside, not go out, but we can only do so much of that, but rejoining the real world after our children have died is very hard.

Are there any craft classes or anything like that you would want to consider, maybe something to get you out of the house 1 night a week. I know scrap booking is very popular right now.

Are their any support groups in your area for child loss? maybe you could check out them and see what activities they have going on.

I wish you luck. Take care. We are here for you.

pam

[iamd3w]

I can't find a greif support group (just a regular woman's or men's support group) and I can't find a different playgroup (the one I found is an indoor playground because of being winter--its the only one) I have never joined the real world. The only friends I have had have been forced upon me. Coworkers talked to me at work but never invited me out with the rest of them, school mates also talk to me but never included me in out of school stuff. I feel like I got the plague. I don't think I am so ugly noone wants to hang out, I am not mean, I am just terribly shy and I can't seem to break it. I'm not giving up--I am going to the playgroup again tomorrow and hope I can manage to talk to someone (hopefully someone talks to me) I don't know if maybe I should keep my mouth closed about my dead daughter to start off with. Its usually one of the first questions and I tell and then..... not much more. I had the most friends of my life when I had my daughter--all her professionals talked to me on a regular basis, again forced to talk to me. I suck

[pamela]

Dominque:

You don't suck!!!! Not at all and I am so proud of you for trying again to go to the play group!!! Good for you.

I am sure that telling others about Rhianna might cause the others to not know what to say, but its part of your "new" life now, you certainly can't go around acting like she didn't exist. You and I both know though how others don't know how to respond. This might be part of the problem, but I think if you keep on going and showing that you can have a decent time with your son then sooner or later you are bound to click with someone.

I wish you lots of luck tomorrow. At least your doing something good for your son, and its getting you out of the house. One step at a time hon and please don't be so hard on yourself.

Love pam

[Corinne]

I agree with Pam, going back is a positive step. I do know what you mean when people ask about your children, we have to tell them about the child we lost. It does make some people uneasy.

Go back to the group, smile, say hello. Let them see that you want to be friends. Don't be so hard on yourself. Think positive. Maybe you could talk to one of their children, put them at ease. Ask them questions about themselves.

Good luck you can do this

Corinne