Therapy... (LONG)

[nikkimount]

I had a breakthrough in therapy today and I wanted to share it with you ladies. The day that I had the ultrasound that told me my baby's heart had quit beating I chose to have a second opinion. During that long u/s my husband was outside crying against the hospital wall. Not inside with me. To him it's unacceptable to cry in front of people. That's how he was raised. I understand that. But I really needed him there.

From tons of people since then all I have heard is "You can have another." "At least you know you can get pregnant." "It wasn't meant to be." "Get over it" and so on and so forth.

My husband deals with things by shutting everyone out. Again I understand and I respect that. So, either he never wants to talk about the m/c or it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other.

The other night one of my neighbor/friends came over. We were going through my hope chest to find pictures of my senior year. Well, she came across my baby book, + hpt's, and pill bottles of the misoprostol that I had to take to "expell the baby." She asked me about it. Seeing how it felt so good to finally be sincerely asked about it I explained it all to her. Starting with the day and moment I actually concieved to the day I got my bfp to the u/s's, to the pills, to the d&C. By the time I finished she was bawling. She's never been pg and she doesn't want to be anytime soon. Even though I love her to death, would not want her to be sad, and hated to see her cry... At the same time IT FELT SO GOOD! Somebody cared! And not only did she care but she had never felt that kind of pain. Hasn't even been through very many traumatic situations. Even though she didn't feel the same kind of pain I felt, she still felt pain for my loss. During this whole conversation with her I never once cried, I showed no emotion. When she cried I smiled. I smiled and hugged that girl as hard as I could. I haven't felt that good about it ever until then. And it's all because somebody cared and they showed me they did.

Sometimes even though they mean well "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. Telling me I will be okay and that they are there for me doesn't cut it. Calling to check on me sometimes will just not cut it. Actions speak louder than words and even though those tears cannot fill the hole in my heart, they made me realize that it's ok to feel the way I do. It's ok to hurt. Not everyone understands. Not everyone cares. But somewhere, someone does. And it makes me feel like I'm not so alone anymore.

So for all of you ladies here. I pray so hard for you that you ALL have someone that will show you that this is not just a thought to them but that it's a reality to them because it's a reality to us.

[mommy2mark]

Thanks for sharing that story! I can totally relate. I have found a few of my friends to be very unsensitive and have NEVER asked me how I am doing and wanted to talk about Mark. And then there are people I don't see very often that I talk for hours about Mark, or they cry with me, or they tell me they want to do the rememberance walk for Mark next year. And that's exactly how I felt, that talking to other people about it makes me feel less alone. I have been to a support group a couple of times and of course everyone here is so wonderful and it is nice to talk to people who know how you feel, but it is also nice to talk to your friends and have them listen to what we've been through. I've found it helpful in my greiving to be able to talk about Mark with the people in my life. I understand not everyone is comfortable with the situation, but I expected more from a couple of my supposed "close friends". And to find that these other people are more interested in supporting me than them - just makes me more MAD!

Ahhhh...I didn't realize this would turn into a vent of my own! Sorry - just wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you're saying.

Take Care!
Jen

[nikkimount]

No problem. Get it all out. I know we've all probably had crappy friends or people who didn't understand.

[Janis]

Nikki,

THANK you for sharing your story! How very difficult it is to put those kind of things into words, but you did it! Everythng you said was sooooo true.

((BIG HUGS))
Janis

[my3girls]

My Mom & best friend have been so great in the last few weeks. Mom never had a m/c, she just couldn't get pregnant ~ my best friend lost twins @ 10 weeks 5 years ago & she has sat & cried with me more than a few times. It helps a lot to have them crying with me & not just trying to solve it or fix me - but to know that it's ok to be broken with them. Jeremy helps as much as he can, but he still wants to fix me & not have me cry anymore. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just to cry.

[Sue]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad that you were able to share all that you have been through with someone who truly cares about you. I hope you continue to have this kind of support in your life.

I too was so tired of hearing the "you'll be okay, you can try again" blah blah blah. It got to the point where I stopped answering my phone and stopped checking email because I couldn't take it anymore. When I went back to work, most of my co-workers came up to me and said things that I had been hearing from my friends and family for weeks and I almost left because I couldn't bear to hear it anymore. The one thing that kept me there is that one co-worker came into my office, didn't say one word and just gave me the biggest hug. It's like she knew that was what I needed more than anything else. Later I found out that she and her husband had been TTC for over a year and cannot get pregnant so they just adopted a little baby girl. I guess people who go through similar hardships know what you need (and don't need) when it's time.

Take care.

[XicaChica]

Thank you so much for your post. I always tell me husband now that tragedy makes you realize who truly cares about you. He feels some peope just dont know what to say..I'm like, well think how much worse I feel. People who dont care about you do not want to feel uncomfortable, so they just avoid you. Ummm, I just want to add that DH's are different. He never cried in front of me, because he said he needed to be strong for me. All I wanted from him is to just hug me and cry with me. DH never talks about our loss unless I do, and he is usually just listening. But I know our DH's hurt like us, and stand in the shower and cry just like us sometimes.
I am glad you have someone to share this pain with. You are blessed to have her in your life. I have 2 blessings....my mom and my co-worker/friend.