Need your advise on a friendship

[XicaChica]

Would you end a 13 year friendship if she didnt call you almost 5 months after your miscarrige. This supposed GOOD friend never once called to offer comfort. I saw her sister a few months after my miscarriage and told her what hapened. I am 110% sure her sister told her since they talk about everything, so there is no question in my mind she knows. I know a the time i went through this, she was divorcing. I have always been there for her, but when it's her turn to give support, she is MIA. She has done this to me as well as other friends. I am about tired of giving, not receiving. She finally called yesterday to invite me to her birthday party. She didnt even call me for my dang birthday in Sept. I am upset,hurt, and angry! Am I over-reacting in wanting to end the friendship?

[nikkimount]

Hmmm.... Ya know... It seems like there are a lot of insensitive best friends floating around lately. Mine did the same thing to me recently. The day I found out Christian was gone I was babysitting my bff's 3 year old boy that SHE DIDN"T WANT TO KEEP. And she had the nerve to call me on the phone and say "You need to just get over it. I need you to keep Nicholas next week." In a reallllly rude tone. That was in May. My b-day is sept 9th hers is sept 21st. She called me on the phone on Sept 21st to tell ME happy birthday! What kinda crap is that? I pretended I had an emergency and quickly got off the phone. Then I saw her in walmart. i had heard through the grapevine that her and her boyfriend had broken up so the first words out of my mouth were "Oh how are you and Luke (at this point I was grinning from ear to ear and sounding so sweet.)" Tears welled up in that girls eyes. I know it's mean and I know I should have been nice but you would think after 8 years of BEST friendship and being there for her as she bawled b/c she was pregnant and didn't want a child she could be there for me.
So, in response to your question I say yes. I would end the friendship. I hope this helps.
-Nikki

[mandee]

Angelica~

This is a touchy situation. I, myself, would not end the friendship persey, however I would just limit my contact with her.

I am going through something similar myself. I have (had?? ) a good friend just stop taking my calls almost two years ago. No explaination, she just would either tell me she'd call me back, or just not answer her phone. When I was home a couple weeks ago, I tried to contact her and she didn't take my call, nor did she return my message. She has recently gotten married, and I didn't get a phone call or anything. The only reason I know about it is because my on-line ordained brother (that still makes me laugh!) officiated the cerimony.

Just take it one day at a time. Don't make any promises about going to her party. I would stop by briefly and take just a card, but don't drag it out any longer than necessary. Eventually she'll get the idea, and either forget about it or call and see what's going on.

HTH,

M.

[Freedom]

Not to knock that a m/c is a hard thing to go through, but so is divorce. It is hard to get your "stuff" together through either one. Perhaps you could voice your opinion on the fact that you "feel" like she is MIA when there is trauma going on in your life and need her support more than ever sometimes and you just don't feel like you are getting it. Best friend communication can hurt at times b/c bf are supposed to be your friend and tell you like it is. If your friendship is strong enough, it will withstand the hurt feelings and work through them. If you don't tell her how you feel, this will just continue to be a one sided friendship w/ only you bending over backwards all the time. If you decide to tell her how you feel, be prepared. She may take offense to it....so do it in the most loving matter that you would want someone to tell you like.....ya know what I mean? She too is in a recovery state of loss, her marriage. I understand that she never seems to be there for you, but some people need to be taught how to be a true friend, that doesn't mean you have to write her off...maybe she really doesn't know how to be one and just needs some help along the way. True friends are hard to come by, maybe she is one, but you need to speak with her about her actions and how they are affecting you and what you "need" from her as a friend. I hope this has helped. Many "friendly" ((((((hugs)))))) to you.

Tonya

[nikkimount]

Sorry guys... Sometimes I can be hateful and I don't have very much tolerance for friends who go wrong. I guess I had pretty bad advice b/c people do deserve second chances and people have their problems too. But XicaChica follow your heart. It will all work out in the end. Good Luck honey.
-Nikki

[iamd3w]

I just finally gave up on my best friend from high school. We were inseperable, she lived with me for a time even. It really bothered me that she quit trying and I don't even know why. I did move out of town for about 7 years but I wrote and phoned on a regular basis, but she wouldn't write or call back. I moved back to town and contacted her a bunch of times and she did come over a couple times but only if I bugged her to. Well I gave up this one way friendship. I was there when her mom passed away, being there to talk and taking her out into the world when she was bummed out. Then I had my first MC and never heard nothing. Then my daughter was born(with CP) and she pulledback even more. She did make it to my daughter's funeral but she left early. SHe doesn't even know I had a second MC. I wrote her a letter (even though we live in the same town) and told her that I missed her and I was wondering why she hadn't tried to contact me. I wrote that I felt upset that she wasn't trying and that if she was done with me just continue the way things are and if she missed me too then to give me a call or come over--I haven't heard nothing

[my3girls]

Ok - my best friend of 5 years is going through a NASTY divorce & custody battle right now - & she still manages to be there for me. She went with me to the RE's office earlier this week & I went with her to court last week for her little girl . . . & I will be back in court next week with her. The way we look at it - her problems give me something else to focus on & my stuff gives her a chance to quit obsessing about hers. We have learned how to balance with each other ~ much like a good marriage. If your friend can't find a way to poke her head out of her own problems enough to make sure that you are still alive then the friendship is already dead honey. You don't actively have to end it, just move past her. You two may be able to resurect it later on, but right now it doesn't sound like her heart is in it. Darn - women can really be mean to each other can't we?

[bernie34]

Dear Angelica,
Of course you are hurt and angry - and your friend needs to know it, otherwise she can't put things right. My best friend behaved in a similar hurtful way to me when I lost Grace (announcing the birth of her daughter, who was due a month before Grace would have been born, as a footnote on my birthday card - what a crass way to announce it. And it ruined what little joy I had on my birthday). So in the end I wrote her a letter telling her about my feelings, how hurt I was (I couldn't face calling her). She wrote a letter back saying that she felt so awkward about everything that she had ended up being clumsy and sending the card. That letter was the first step on the road to mending our friendship. It took a while but we are friends again.
So my advice is to write your friend a letter and see what she does. If she continues to be distant and offers no apology or concern then maybe it is time to let this friendship go. Friendships must be two-way. I hope you do sort this out.
Much love,
Bernie xx

[Gio]

I would give her another chance. Tell her how you feel and see how she responds. Sometimes, people just don't know how to help. And a divorce is like a death so she's probably suffering too, and maybe wondering why you aren't there for her...
Good luck.
Gio

[XicaChica]

Thank you all for your advise, you guys are great. Just to give you an update, I did not go. I am just tired of having an "it's all about me" friend and do not have the energy for her anymore.

I was there for her, until I lost my baby, which she knew about.

So to me, someone who doesnt even have the courtesy to call me or at least send a letter of sympathy is not a true friend. She never fails to send me her daughters birthday party or party for her own birthday.
I thought about it over and over again and just could not change my mind to give her another chance. It's sad, but I dont feel guilty or remorseful about my decision.

[Teardrops]

I think you made the right choice. Yoiu can't always give and receive nothing in return. You are a good friend..... give your love and friendship to someone who deserves it. I wish you peace and joy in the future and I am so glad you feel peaceful about your decision you certainly chose the higher road and I would have done the exact same thing...you deserve better