DOES IT SURPRISE YOU?

[Teardrops]

How the pain and grief just comes out of nowhere. I sometimes have these feelings of peace and contentment....being able to count my blessing for the things in my life and my dh and beautiful children. Yet last night I thought about my little Julian and I couldn't stop crying...I was a wreck and felt this horrible feeling of how this is never going to leave me....I missed him so much I was just sobbing and holding on to his little teddy bear....I swear it felt like I wasn't going to surivie the night....The pain was so intense. I went back to asking why me and why my baby? Feeling really angry and just not understanding at all why I can't have my baby.....I cried myself to sleep and then dreamed of babies all night....I feel exhausted this morning and even though I can watch my children play and were actually gonna put up the tree today ( I hope I can do that )I just want to go in julians box and touch his things and cry....I feel so sad he's not here and I can't stop thinking about it.....I was hoping I woulnd't feel this bad ac christmas gets closer I guess. I don't want to tell my dh right now I feel this bad so I am telling it here...I always feel so supported on SG. Today I don't feel real I kind of feel like amost transparent if that makes any sense......I wish you all a wonderful day (((prayers and hugs))))

[kellee]

I know what you mean. I just wonder if this is going to get any easier. I have a little box with my baby's things, too, even letters that I have written to him/her, ultrasound pictures, cards of congratulations from friends, etc. I lost my mom 3 1/2 years ago (when I was 24) but before she died she made me 2 baby dedication outfits, a dress for my girls and a little white outfit with a train stitched on the front for my boys. Sometimes I just go hold those clothes and cry and cry. I am sorry you are missing Julian so much right now. I believe he is up there playing with my baby, too...and don't worry, my mom will take good care of them. God bless you. I said a prayer for you today.
~Kellee

[Teardrops]

Oh thankyou so much I am crying right now when you said there playing together and your mom is taking good care of them...oh bless your heart.......that really meant alot to me....I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet angels and your dear mother.... I just feel so fragile right now and your words couldnt have come at a better time...((((BIG HUGS))))

[mommyof3angels]

I know what you mean. {{{{HUGS}}}

[kellee]

I'm glad my words encouraged you. That's what we are here for, right? To support each other. I have really enjoyed being a part of this website. It helps to talk to people with the same feelings. One thing that helps me is to meditate on how real heaven is. When we see heaven as so real and wonderful, it helps a little bit to know that our babies are there. When my mom died I read a couple of books about heaven and started picturing her there. She was such a sweet Granny to her 5 grandkids here. My brother has 3 and my sister has 2...so I find comfort in knowing that she is in heaven enjoying her 6th grandbaby. It is so sad to me that I didn't get to know my baby, but it does help to think about my mom taking care and enjoying her time with him/her. Her favorite thing to do was spend time making crafts, baking, and playing with her grandbabies. So, I think that's what she is doing with my baby in heaven. Julian is welcome to the party.
God bless you
~Kellee

[Teardrops]

Thankyou once again ((((hugs)))) I just started crying again but not out of sadness I'm thinking for the first time he's not alone.....I always imagine him afraid and alone....Now I can see him with your amazing mother until we can meet again........Sending all my love

[Freedom]

I understand what you mean about the grief....coming from nowhere. It's like one minute you are fine and the next, you are walking around a corner and the little sneak comes blasting out at you. It is hard. It comes in waves. Unfortunately it just is not something we can put on a calendar and schedule for the day and get it over with. There are so many stages to it. I am so confused at to what stage I am even at anymore....from one baby 2 years ago, another about a year and a 1/2 and then my freshest in August. Now my friend and her baby....it is just heartbreaking that any of us have to go through so much trauma. Just try to work through it the best you can. Keep recognizing it so you can continue to heal and keep feeling what NEEDS to be felt. I learned the hard way of pusing it back w/ my 2nd loss. I refused to "deal" with it, and a month later I was going to hold my sister's baby and heal w/ him. Sadly, 3 days after his delivery, my sister had to make a heart wrenching decision to let him go. I have yet to meet my "actual" healing baby. Perhaps it will be a grandchild years to come from now. I don't know how I will handle my living children having children...... I pray I won't be as scared of a pg then. I am glad that you found comfort in Kellee's words that your baby Julian was w/ hers and her mother. It is true. Hope your day is better today.

Tonya