Post by septembersadness on Nov 17, 2005 18:31:12 GMT -5
Hello,
I had my miscarriage on September 21, 2005 at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. I had began spotting on the Thursday night before and had went to the hospital. There I found out that my HCG levels had dropped 700 points. The ER doctor had contacted the OB\GYN on call and they said to send me home and to follow up with my OB\GYN in the morning. They said everything was fine, my cervix wasn't open and not to get alarmed until the levels dropped in to the thousands. I went home that night thinking everything was okay. I woke up the next morning (Friday) and went to see my OB\GYN. She did a vaginal ultrasound and said that I appeared to be a noraml 5 week pregnancy. Only trouble was, I was 10 weeks. She still fed me hope. She told me that the HCG levels I had gotten before may have been off a few weeks and that I may really be 5 weeks along. She told me come back in on Thursday and then I would hear my baby's heartbeat. My husband and I went home thinking that everything was going to be okay. We wanted to believe so badly that everything was okay that we just convinced ourselves that it was. I should have known better then. Wednesday morning at 2a.m. I woke up having cramps that literally took my breath. Oddly, at this time I had stopped spotting. At that moment in the bathroom I knew what was going on. I knew that I was loosing the baby that I had prayed for, for 2 long years. I didn't wake my husband up and to this day I don't know why. All I could do was pace the floor. Setting and laying made the cramps worse. Walking was all that really helped. After an hour of pacing I called the hospital to ask what I could take. I told them that I knew I was having a miscarriage I wanted to know if I could take something otc to easy my pain. They offered no help just to come in and be seen but the last thing I wanted was to be around people. So around 5 a.m. I somehow dozed off on the couch. When my husband woke up at 7 a.m. he found me on the couch asleep. He woke me and when I stood blood just poured down my legs. I went to the hopital and they did all the tests. I was so numb. I had no expression what so ever. When I got home it all hit me like a ton of bricks. My best friend was pregnant and due in October and I still haven't even spoke to her yet. It's been almost two months and I just can't get over it. My friend is now mad at me. Telling my other friends that I'm selfish and that God will not do good for people who don't do good for others. I'm assuming she is throwing that at the chance of me getting pregnant again. Why can't she understand? Talking to her or going to see her would be like salt in a wound. My grief comes from something I lost that in return she has gained. She has her baby and I don't. She is a mother and is going through the happiest time in her life while I am going through h*ll. I don't know what she expects out of me. I want to wish just one ounce of the pain I am going through but I can't. I don't wish this on anyone. I feel such loss. I wanted this baby with everything in me. I prayed for this baby just to be teased with pregnancy and then just to loose it all. I miss my friend, I honestly do, but I can't bare the thought of being around her right now. She's on top of the world with her baby but I can not allow myself to call her and act like my life is all joy. I know two months is a long time to still be so deep in to this but I can not get over it. God knows I have tried. I want to know why. I need to know why so that I can move on but I'll never know why and that kills me. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I don't want to loose a friend but I can't put myself in the positon of being hurt all over agin everytime I'm around her. My other friends and even my mother has explained this to her but she just feels like its all against her. I'm begining to think she is the selfish one.
I had my miscarriage on September 21, 2005 at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. I had began spotting on the Thursday night before and had went to the hospital. There I found out that my HCG levels had dropped 700 points. The ER doctor had contacted the OB\GYN on call and they said to send me home and to follow up with my OB\GYN in the morning. They said everything was fine, my cervix wasn't open and not to get alarmed until the levels dropped in to the thousands. I went home that night thinking everything was okay. I woke up the next morning (Friday) and went to see my OB\GYN. She did a vaginal ultrasound and said that I appeared to be a noraml 5 week pregnancy. Only trouble was, I was 10 weeks. She still fed me hope. She told me that the HCG levels I had gotten before may have been off a few weeks and that I may really be 5 weeks along. She told me come back in on Thursday and then I would hear my baby's heartbeat. My husband and I went home thinking that everything was going to be okay. We wanted to believe so badly that everything was okay that we just convinced ourselves that it was. I should have known better then. Wednesday morning at 2a.m. I woke up having cramps that literally took my breath. Oddly, at this time I had stopped spotting. At that moment in the bathroom I knew what was going on. I knew that I was loosing the baby that I had prayed for, for 2 long years. I didn't wake my husband up and to this day I don't know why. All I could do was pace the floor. Setting and laying made the cramps worse. Walking was all that really helped. After an hour of pacing I called the hospital to ask what I could take. I told them that I knew I was having a miscarriage I wanted to know if I could take something otc to easy my pain. They offered no help just to come in and be seen but the last thing I wanted was to be around people. So around 5 a.m. I somehow dozed off on the couch. When my husband woke up at 7 a.m. he found me on the couch asleep. He woke me and when I stood blood just poured down my legs. I went to the hopital and they did all the tests. I was so numb. I had no expression what so ever. When I got home it all hit me like a ton of bricks. My best friend was pregnant and due in October and I still haven't even spoke to her yet. It's been almost two months and I just can't get over it. My friend is now mad at me. Telling my other friends that I'm selfish and that God will not do good for people who don't do good for others. I'm assuming she is throwing that at the chance of me getting pregnant again. Why can't she understand? Talking to her or going to see her would be like salt in a wound. My grief comes from something I lost that in return she has gained. She has her baby and I don't. She is a mother and is going through the happiest time in her life while I am going through h*ll. I don't know what she expects out of me. I want to wish just one ounce of the pain I am going through but I can't. I don't wish this on anyone. I feel such loss. I wanted this baby with everything in me. I prayed for this baby just to be teased with pregnancy and then just to loose it all. I miss my friend, I honestly do, but I can't bare the thought of being around her right now. She's on top of the world with her baby but I can not allow myself to call her and act like my life is all joy. I know two months is a long time to still be so deep in to this but I can not get over it. God knows I have tried. I want to know why. I need to know why so that I can move on but I'll never know why and that kills me. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I don't want to loose a friend but I can't put myself in the positon of being hurt all over agin everytime I'm around her. My other friends and even my mother has explained this to her but she just feels like its all against her. I'm begining to think she is the selfish one.
If you have never lost a baby that you loved so much then you just can't grasp the idea or even try to imagine what the pain tastes like. You can try to sympathize, but you just truly don't get it if you have never felt it.
