My sweet Julian Bear

[Teardrops]

I haven't posted in a while. I think I thought if I didn't post maybe I could pretend I wasn't in as much pain. I lost my precious little baby in april. Now that the holidays are here. I can't handle it anymore. I'm not going to work and I miss him so much....every minute of the day. I cry so hard.....I just don't understand how can I miss him this very much when I know I can't change anything and I can't have him back. I felt like maybe I was getting better or reaching the point I hear baout where I make peace with it. It's like I'm back at square 1....I pray every night God doesn't let me wake up because I can't imagine being in this much pain for another day......I see his little face and hands......he was so very wanted and so very loved. I was so happy to be expecting I would talk to him every night. I keep dreaming that he is cold and keeps saying mommy I'm cold and I cant warm him up no matter how hard I try. I feel like is it even this normal to be this sad. Im scared......sad.....angry.......dissappointed......tired.....frustrated........How much can one take I just want my baby so much...how do I go on without him

[momof3]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I hate that we all have to deal with this. Sometimes I have good days but sometimes (especially lately) I don't. I think the holidays are going to be much harder than I thought. Sometimes I just feel so angry. I hope that things improve for both of us. I'll be thinking of you.

[beautifulgirl]

I lost my baby in March, and I'm going through all sorts of ups and downs as well. I had about 10 good days, and then suddenly I was again overwhelmed with grief.
I wish there were something I could say or tell you to do that would make it better, but there isn't. All I can tell you is that yes, it is normal to feel this way, and that it does get better. There were moments last week when I didn't know how I could possibly keep going on, but I am feeling better now.

You are grieving, and it's a process, and there's no way around it, only through it. Let yourself feel horrible and sad and cry when you need to, and share your feelings if at all possible. I have a wonderful friend who helps me so much just by asking questions. Just his trying to understand what I'm going through and why this has affected me so deeply helps, even if he can't empathize. Find someone who will encourage you to talk about how you feel. It doesn't so much matter whether or not they can really grasp it, but that they are nonjudgmental and they want to understand what you are feeling. Therapy, support groups, books and Silent Grief have all helped me more than I can put into words.

I won't say it gets easier every day because it doesn't. Some days are harder than the last, but it does get easier over time. Don't be to hard on yourself. Let yourself grieve when you need to, appreciate love and laughter whenever you can, and most importantly find someone you feel comfortable talking to, whether it's a friend, therapist or support group. Talking is what has helped me the most.

There are always women here who can understand. It's not the same as talking to someone sitting next to you, but there is such relief in knowing that you are not the only one to ever feel this way.

[celestiana]

Hi teardrops, many thanks for your reply.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It is very difficult to go through. I loved my two angels very much, and the due date of the 1st one just recently passed in October. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about having lost them... but I take some consolation in the fact that they are in a much better place now than I, and that they currently have much, much more than I could ever give them in this world. Where they are, there is peace... fear and anger do not prevail, and they are safe.
I know it is hard for us to live with the loss, but one day we'll all be together again...
I read something on the site that was posted by someone some time ago...
I don't recall the exact words, but the gist of it was...

Lord, I wanted to sit my child on my lap and tell him about you.
But since I cannot, please sit him or her on your lap and tell them about me.

Please take good care, teardrops. And if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, please let me know. I would be happy to be a friend.

[Freedom]

Ugh!!! You have the same distraught thoughts as I do....My baby(s) is cold. That is one thing that bothered me so much after I delivered them. They grew cold. As a mother you want so badly to make them warm again. It is so hard. That thought. I wish we didn't have to experience such tragedy. It just is not fair. I expected the coldness w/ my second loss.....I knew all too well what was coming. I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Know that you are being thought of.

Tonya

[sadmomof3and1angel]

I LOVE you!!!

[Mommy2amazingGrace]

I'm not sure how many of you know, but I found out that I was m/c on MY birthday. Happy birthday to me. I miscarried over the course of many days, so I only have that day to count. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I knew why these things happened to us, but i know that they brought us together, to help eachother in our pain. I am praying for you everyday.

[goosey731]

I haven't been on this site for awhile--for the reasons you haven't. The weather here has been really cold and there is ice and snow all over Bayley's grave and all I can think about is how cold it is out there. On Thanksgiving, I kept thinking about how we were all inside and Bayley was wasn't. I have to remind myself that Bayley is safe in Heaven and that he knows he is loved. This would have been Bayley's first Christmas and I would have picked out an ornament for him when my other two picked out theirs. Now I will pick out an ornament that he will never see. I just feel so incomplete this holiday season. You are in my prayers everyday.

[Alaska]

Dear Teardrops,

I do know what kind of pain you are talking about. I am so sorry you are hurting like this. It has been only a year since my last mc, but it has been five years since my first. I still hurt sometimes so badly for my first one...I wonder what she would be like. I feel like she is missing from our family. I feel like the other two are missing, too.

When my losses were fresher, I felt exactly like you do...I just couldn't go on. It was so hard to move anywhere passed that. I think with this there is a lot of going back and forth. Sometimes we feel better, sometimes we feel worse. There is always a part of us that will grieve. Sometimes it is more overwhelming than others.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.