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Post by beautifulgirl on Nov 9, 2005 6:28:33 GMT -5
I thought I was doing so much better after my EDD, but tonight I'm falling apart again. It's three in the morning and i'm up sobbing and aching and alone, and i can't help but want to scream that I'm supposed to but up in the middle of the night with my baby I'm supposed to be up rocking and nursing my 14 day old child. My child!!! and no one in my life seems to get this but me. If I even mention my baby I get uncomfortable silences and redirection to another topic. My baby never exisited for anyone but me, and no one can understand why I can't just get over it. I feel like most of the world is looking at me thinking "you weren't trying to get pregnant, you would have had to raise the baby on your own, now the problem is solved. But that's the biggest part of the problem. i loved my baby even though I never planned for him, even though he would have been mine alone. but I had made my choice, I was changeing my entire life for my child, and was elated to do so. And now there's nothing, just emptiness and loss that no one share's but me. No "trying again" no "having another". Not now, and maybe not ever.
My calander is still says September. I never changed it to October because I couldn't stand to see the "Happy Birthday Bady" I'd written on the 25th. and now i some how can't even bring myself to change it to November, can't even raise my hand to turn the page.
How can people think that I can just get on with my life, when i can't even change my calander?
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Post by my2angels on Nov 9, 2005 7:29:47 GMT -5
Oh...(((HUGS)).. I can relate to how you are feeling about wanting to have the baby that is supposed to be in your arms. My Quinn was due 10/22 (s/b @26.5 weeks) and to be honest with you, I couldn't wait for October to pass. I couldn't wait for everybody's calendars that said "Quinn's Due Date" to be either thrown out or flipped over, just so I couldn't have the constant reminders of what I am hurting for. Even now, I think about my m/c that I had last August, that was due on March 13...wow, I should have a 8 month old. Due dates are hard and they suck..no other way to put it. Whether or not the baby was planned or not, the love for a baby is still the same..it ticks me off that people would assume otherwise . Please be gentle with yourself... HUGS, Cass
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Post by my3girls on Nov 9, 2005 11:58:25 GMT -5
Oh Hon . . . I keep wondering what my EDD will bring since I won't have to hit it until March next year. It seems to be a common thread on these boards that we know our EDD's are coming & we prepare ourselves for that day but the next day brings a whole new world that we never thought about. I am so sorry that you feel like no one understands how you feel - I promise you this is the one place where SOMEONE knows exactly what point you are at. We are all here with shoulders to cry on & tissues to cry with you whenever you need us. I am so sorry these last two weeks have been so hard - I wish there was a magic wand to make this better for you. Just know that we are all here whenever you want to cry or vent & that you are in our prayers.
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Post by sadmomof3and1angel on Nov 9, 2005 20:32:51 GMT -5
sweetheart youre not alone you have us. We have all felt and some sitll do feel the way you do now. Im trying to get ready for my EED, on November 21. I am absolutley dreading it. Poeple think we are crazy for feeling the way we do for all different reasons, mine being because I was only 7.5 weeks. It doesnt matter of we were 2 days or 9 months the pain is there. That baby had a soul the second it was conceived. As far as you would have being a single mom, I was a single mom and Id like to see anyone put me down for it. It woul have just meant more love for your baby from you. What I am trying to say is you are NOT alone. We are all here for you when you are feeling sad and lonely. I have learned not to really care what others think of something that means so much to me.
Love to you and lots of hugs
kelly
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Post by Mommy2amazingGrace on Nov 9, 2005 20:52:19 GMT -5
I understand what you are going through. I would have been a single mom also, and people said some of the most unthoughtful things to me. My EDD is not until January 12, and I am absoutly dreading it. Just know that we are all here for you whenever you need. I know that being here helps me everyday. Don't think for one minute that you are alone in your pain. We may not know you personally, but we all love you.
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Sue
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by Sue on Nov 9, 2005 22:20:42 GMT -5
You ladies are definitely not alone here on SG. We are all here for you and will love and support you every step of the way. My EDD was 9/20/05 and the weeks leading up to that day were the worse most painful days I've experienced since the day I miscarried. It felt like I had reversed right back to those awful feelings. But then, you get up the next day and you are a bit stronger for getting through the day. And then the next, and then the next. Just take it one day at a time. Don't let anyone make you feel that your baby did not exist and was not wanted and loved.
Last Friday I attended a baby shower for a co-worker who's adopted daughter was born 7 days after my EDD. I surprised myself by asking if I could hold the baby (which I didn't think I would be able to do without crying). I held her for a while and she fell asleep in my arms. All my co-workers were amazed and said I was a natural. I'm sure they didn't remember that this baby would have been the same age as mine but I just wanted to scream "I should be holding MY BABY right now and not my co-workers!". As sad as I was during the shower, I made it through it and woke up the next morning proud of myself that I faced it head on and came out of it a bit stronger.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
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Post by beautifulgirl on Nov 10, 2005 23:33:07 GMT -5
Thank you all so much, and I know yo are all here for me. I really do appreciate it. It's just been such a horrible couple of days, the grief has hit me harder than it has in a long time. I thought I was getting better, but this is just so hard to do. All I really want is just for someone to hold me while I cry, to keep me safe, and there's no one to do that. I feel like the emptiness of it all is killing me. I'm sorry to sound so unappreciative, having this support is wonderful, but I just need someone physically close, and there's no one there.
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Post by sadmomof3and1angel on Nov 11, 2005 15:31:03 GMT -5
Thank you all so much, and I know yo are all here for me. I really do appreciate it. It's just been such a horrible couple of days, the grief has hit me harder than it has in a long time. I thought I was getting better, but this is just so hard to do. All I really want is just for someone to hold me while I cry, to keep me safe, and there's no one to do that. I feel like the emptiness of it all is killing me. I'm sorry to sound so unappreciative, having this support is wonderful, but I just need someone physically close, and there's no one there.
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Post by mypreciousashley on Nov 14, 2005 3:46:25 GMT -5
I am sitting here in tears. I would of been a single mom also but I had more close to still birth because I had a hole baby come out of me. I began to looos her at 5 AM four weeks ago today. I can so relate to the feelings you have. They are very painful feelings. I had someone say my child was not real but she is real. someon else said my child never existed. People are very unsensitive. I read a good book called "Empty Arms" by Pam Vndervelt. I think it would be a great book to read. I read it in two days. I am cryig for the pain you feel with the a loness. I have and do feel it also.
I dont want to sound dumb but what is a edd. Not a term I am use to. I had DNC to get my placenta out but that is all. Can you help me understand that part
Debbie
Lost my daughter Ashley Edith Michelle Lopez on October 17, 2005 when I was 18 weeks of Placenta abruption and still birth.
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Post by momof3 on Nov 14, 2005 9:54:06 GMT -5
A edd is the day your baby was due. (Estimated Date of Delivery or Estimated Due Date)
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Post by Teardrops on Nov 14, 2005 20:52:42 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm crying so hard I can barely type but God I do know what your feeling. I'm struggling for words because the pain is beyond pain. I lost my angel in april and I can't bare to type his name one more time today or I'll loose it. Not being able to change the calendar or move beyond that day is so understandable. I keep thinking how I should be nursing my baby and walking back and forth holding him. That sweet baby smell but he is gone I yell at myself...I yell to god why me.....why my baby...you tell me God as one of your children what have I done to deserve this pain. I've been dreaming of him every night and i know how it is to be up at 3 am. I wish I could just hold you, I know how it feels to just want to get it out to feel someone hears you...hears your pain..........and you being a single mom would have meant double the love for your precious one....your little one is still so lucky to have been your baby even if it was for a short time....you will never forget. I sometimes sleep with my baby's little hat or teddy and squeeze till it hurts just to feel something else other than despair. God bless you and your healing heart.....be kind to yourself...I know how easy it is to forget to take care of yourself.....((((((big hugs))))))
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Post by beautifulgirl on Nov 14, 2005 23:01:38 GMT -5
Thank you all so much. I am doing better this week, but everyone's kind words mean so much to me. It helps so much to be able to talk and write about what I'm feeling. I'm sorry you all have to walk this road, but I'm glad I'm not on it alone.
Colleen
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grj
Full Member
Posts: 153
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Post by grj on Nov 15, 2005 20:51:38 GMT -5
Oh, honey - I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet babe. I can empathize with you. I passed my first EDD in July and it was soooo difficult for me - not only because I knew that I should have had a newborn, but also because I was grieving a new loss in May. I am dreading December because it marks the 1 year anniversary of Brian's loss and because my EDD with Rachel was Christmas Day. It is darn near impossible for anyone who has not experienced this sort of loss to understand what we go through. It is a sad reality that society does not validate our sweet babies as people who were very real, despite the fact that noone else may have seen them. I had such a hard time coping the second time that I had to seek counseling. And what I've learned is that grief is a very sneaky thing. You think you are doing better and then , wham!, out of the blue, you are right back in the pits. All I can tell you, honey, is that what you are experiencing is normal and that you need to be patient and kind with yourself. There are no timelines and no "rules" for how long you should grieve. It's whatever time you need to learn to live with the loss of your precious child. I'm sorry there is noone in real life to support you, but I'm glad you have found SG. You have found a safe haven where you will not be judged. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. Gina
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Post by daisy on Nov 16, 2005 14:07:14 GMT -5
I don't post on this board much any more but I wanted to suggest counseling. I went to see a therapist after my loss in April and it was a huge help. If you don't have insurance the cost can be prohibitive but there are places that take people on a sliding scale fee. Even going for one visit can help you. SG was a great source of support as well. You are not alone.
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Post by HATCHAN on Nov 18, 2005 22:07:51 GMT -5
Regardless of your circumstances, you lost your child and it hurts. I lost my little one 3 years ago today, and while it still hurts, it does get better in time. The pain will become less raw as time goes on, but I don't believe we can ever forget. I know all about the sleepless nights and feeling so alone. I went for weeks at a time with almost no sleep and just cried continuously. No one around me could understand why it bothered me so much and their comments were hurtful. Since my miscarriage, I've had another baby (now 9 months) and have another baby on the way, and I can tell you that while my other children bring a lot of joy to my life, they don't replace the baby I lost. Nothing cures that grief. At least once a day (and often more), my thoughts shift to my little Nora and I long to know her. She would be 2 1/2 now and the holidays make me sad because I want her in my life too. My family is not and never will be complete in this life.
I'm very sorry that you don't have your baby in your arms and are hurting so much. The grief is terrible and I send you my ((HUGS)).
Love, Andrea
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