feeling guilty, please help..PG and MC mentioned

[Mommy2amazingGrace]

THIS MAY BE GRAPHIC, SO BE WARNED BEFORE YOU READ. IT MAY BE HARD FOR SOME OF YOU TO READ, BUT I REALLY NEED SOME HELP.


I lost my angel, Grace Ann, 2 1/2 months. I was so miserable. My sister was pregnant, and every time I looked at her, the pain got worse. Then my little cousin got pg right after I MC and it hit me hard again. Unfortunatly my cousin MC also. But then right after she MC, about 3 weeks later, she got pg again. She is now 19 weeks. I hated her. I hated the fact that she was pregnant and not me. Someone like her does not need a baby. She does drugs, drinks, and smokes while she is pg. I was so angry that someone like her could stay pg and I couldn't. In my heart, I wanted her to still be suffering like me. She shouldn't be pregnant. It's just not fair.
Well, last week, she went to the dr for a checkup, and they discovered that she has no amniotic fluid. She has bled since she got pg, and it caused her membrane to swell and burst, leaking all of her amniotic fluid slowly. The baby is ok, thankfully, for now. As long as she carries him, he'll survive. But yesterday, she discovered that the umbilical cord, is HANGING out of her. She went to the er and they told her that she is 2cm dilated and sent her home. She should have the baby sometime this week. They also told her that the baby will die once she has it. Only a miracle can save it.
I feel so bad. I wanted her to be so miserable, that I feel like I caused this to happen. I never wanted to hurt the baby. I just know that she is not the type of person who should be a mother. That baby belongs with God, if anyone. Not her. But I swear, I never wanted this to happen. I am feeling so guillty that i don't know what to do. Please help me. I am so confused.

[Mommy2amazingGrace]

P.s. Please pray for this baby. She is thinking of naming her Layla, because she wants a girl. So please pray for Layla. She needs us. She needs to be loved. Pray that she survives and is strong.

[sadmomof3and1angel]

well, you know how I feel about this. I am praying Amber. I just dont understand how the baby is surviving now but wont after birth. Why dont they just induce her to get it over with

I love you hun, and you know Im here

[Lendy]

Oh sweetie,

You aren't in charge of who suffers and who doesn't. Or which child goes to Heaven before birth or after or lives a long life.

You have done NOTHING, let me say it again NOTHING, wrong. Your feelings are completely understandable, and I would be lying if I said I had never felt or thought those same things about someone.

You have NO reason to feel guilty. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING, to hurt your cousin or her little baby.

Keeping you, your cousin, and the baby in my prayers.

Lendy

[nikkimount]

Yes, you did NOT do anything wrong. Those feelings are natural.

[Freedom]

I agree, the ladies are right. Praying for the baby.

((((hugs)))))

Tonya

[nboulier]

I have (unfortunatly) moved to the More than 1 m/c board.. but wanted to share the same thoughts as the others have expressed. YOU did nothing wrong! I now have quite a few friends/acquaintances who are pg and it is not fair. You are not the only one who has felt this way, or though these things, I wouldn't feel 'normal' if never thought some of these type thoughts.
Prayers to your family and your cousins'.

[jenn]

Oh honey,
Your feelings didn't cause this to happen. These things just happen. Its terrible, even when we don't feel a person is a good mother. Please don't feel guilty. You have nothing to do with what happened! Only God can decide what happens in these situations. We can only chose to accept them or not. Just by posting this and asking for prayer, you have shown that despite your feelings, you would not have wished this on her or anyone. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sorry you and your cousin are going through such a difficult time. You'll be in my thoughts.

Jenn

[my3girls]

Honey - If just wishing could make bad things happen - there would be 12 people in my office with butts where their heads should be! You did not do this to her. Layla is in God's hands & her life is His creation. He doesn't let us dictate who should or should not be mommas. Every woman on this board has been jealous, furious, & had "evil" thoughts from time to time - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. We will all pray for Layla ~ and her mom. No matter what - I don't think I could wish joining this sisterhood on anyone. (not that I don't love all ya'll - but I think we would all jump ship if we could)

[bbear]

I will pray for them, but mostly for her to straighten up if she wants to be a mom, you did nothing wrong I am judgemental about who deserves to be a mom too. people need to be kids above stupid stuff-drugs and alcohol. don't feel bad you did nothing wrong!

[Mommy2amazingGrace]

Just wanted to let you ladies know that she had the baby Monday morning. As predicted, the baby did not survive. She barely did also. She was hemmorging. The dr's were all sure that if they did not do something, they were going to lose her too. She is doing ok, trying to be strong. I want to thank you all for the replys. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but I couldn't help the way I feel.

[Lendy]

Amy,

I'm so sorry that the baby did not live.

And you are right, you couldn't help the feelings that you were having and they were ALL normal! Well, normal for anyone who has lost a child.

Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Lendy

[izzybee]

I lost my fluid and we prayed but with no fluid the lungs dont develop so we new that our Ainsley would probably no live even if i could carry her to 28 wks. only by the grace of God. Our Ainsley is an angel now and it hurts everyday its only 4 wks but its not any easier. I hope things work out for them. I am send some prayers and hugs your way.

[mommyof3angels]

I am sorry. Sending prayers.

[eruiz]

My prayers are with you but believe me you did nothing wrong. Those feelings are natural.