Post by jaideety on Sept 3, 2007 3:48:54 GMT -5
I found out early on in my pregnancy that my son had down syndrome. The day I got the news my life was changed forever. My hopes,my dreams,and my heart was shattered. When you find out you are pregnant you naturally begin making plans and having hopes and dreams for your child. Everything had changed now. Joy turned to sorrow, hope turned to dispair, and dreams turned to nightmares. I am a Christian woman and for the first time I can safely say I was really mad at God. Fear set in at that point, I was afraid he'd never talk or walk or understand or grow. We wouldnt know the severity of it until later on in life. After some time and some facts from a lifelong friend who has a precious little boy with downs, I came to terms with this thing I had been delt. Then my faith kicked into high gear. I prayed over my son, I spoke healing and life into him daily. There wasnt a doubt in my mind that he would not have downs and that he would be perfect and healthy. On Jan. 25th I had went to my routine doctors appointment and as everytime before his heartbeat was strong at 140. That night my water broke and as I layed on that bed and the nurse put the monitor on me trying to find a heartbeat I will never forget the look on her face. I had to have so many ultrasounds throughout my prgnancy because of his diagnosis, I had basically watched him grow inside of me. This time the little heart that beat so strong before was quiet. The arms and legs that kicked and punched before layed still. My son was gone. I layed there that night for seven hours faced with the heart wrenching fact that I would had to deliver him that way. Not knowing what to expect. This time knowing I would never hear him cry, never hear him say momma, and never look into his eyes and see love the way I did with my daughter Jaiden. Oh my God, Jaiden. It was 2 days before her 5th birthday, she was so excited to be a big sister. She had seen him on ultrasound, heard his heartbeat, had felt him kick plenty. How was I going to tell her, how was her little mind going to be able to wrap around this. I was an adult and I couldnt comprehend it. I couldnt stand the thought of her feeling the pain of the loss of her bubba "her baby" as she called him. I delivered him that next morning and he was so beautiful and so perfect. There were no real visible signs of downs. He was georgeous! I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. I had cried so much it had looked like I had been beaten. My daughter walked in that evening and she said to me,"Momma, why are you crying that is only Braelens body, he is with Jesus!" My soon to be 5 yr. old was ministering to me. The nurse that had taken his pictures had told me that she had said a prayer when she was down there seeing her little brother. The days after that were like being in h*ll. Having to make decisions and arrangements. A parent should never have to bury a child. It just isn't right. Now I was furious with God!!! I had prayed, spoken life and healing, I had believed. I felt let down, defeated and betrayed. A few days later the pictures from the hospital arrived and there on top was a picture of my daughter kneeling beside her brother her little hands clasped, eyes closed praying over him. He layed there so peaceful. I laughed for the first time that day. See through my pain I didnt get it but my baby girl, she did! She had more faith in her little pinky than I did in my whole being. That is why she really could not understand why I cried. Afterall, with Jesus is where we all are trying to get to, right? Braelen is totally righteous and there are not that many that wear that hat even in heaven. He was never born into sin. I realized that day my prayers had been answered!! My son Braelen Ty Carey Johnson is perfect, he is healthy, he is whole, and he does not have down syndrome. It may have not been the way I had imagined it but God was faithful and true to His word and He answered my prayers. Im very lucky and I thank God everyday for both my daughter and my son because I have an angel on earth and an angel in heaven and they both look out for their mommy. When I start to make a bad choice I hear him say,"No mommy don't do that." Or when I feel like giving up I put my arms around her and I hear him say,"You can do it mommy." See I look at it this way I have a bigger reason to make it to heaven, so I can once again see my son, my angel. The pain doesn't go away, I am crying as I type this. But it does become bearable. I believe that God allows us to be in situations to make us stronger so that we can help other people. I am starting school this month to get my degree in counseling so I can help others deal with the grief of losing a loved one. So in case you are wondering there is life after death, it only seems like you are not going to make it through but you will. I promise!
