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Post by missingisaiah on Nov 3, 2007 12:37:40 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing Ayden with us. I am so sorry for your loss. None of our children should have been taken away. It's just not fair. Any time you need to express your feelings, we're here.
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Post by sadattimes on Nov 4, 2007 9:42:04 GMT -5
I am so sorry for the loss of your son! My prayers are with you and your family.
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Post by Sydneysmom on Nov 4, 2007 20:27:46 GMT -5
I'm so, so sorry about you precious little Ayden. I HATE that he had to suffer. I hate that you are having to suffer. My sweet angel Sydney was born August 31, 2007, and even though she never got to turn two, I can't help but picture Sydney going through all of what your little guy did. I cannot imagine how hard that was for you...
I'm praying for you tonight. Please come and share how you are feeling anytime. We love to hear it all. There is such a loving community here, and unfortunately, we can relate to your unbelievable pain.
Love - Angela
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Jani
Full Member
Posts: 409
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Post by Jani on Nov 6, 2007 17:37:54 GMT -5
I was thrilled to learn I was pregnant with our first child. At about 15 weeks, we found out we were having twins. Oh my gosh, I have always been fascinated with twins and I always KNEW I would have a set one day. I was beyond elated!!! At about 17 weeks, the doctor told us they were monoamniotic twins, meaning they shared the same placenta and amniotic sac. As you can imagine, the chances of a cord accident were astronomical. We had an amnio done to be sure there was no membrane separating them; after we knew for sure, I started to see a high-risk OB. On my first visit, he was very blunt that only 5% of mono-amniotic twins live and most of the time both babies die. I was convinced that wasn't going to happen to me. God would never be that cruel. I went on partial bed rest, started having an ultrasound every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to make sure the babies were developing correctly. At about 22 weeks, baby B (Freddie) showed signs of poor development. He was then diagnosed with hydrocephalus, a calcified liver and kidneys, water on the heart and lungs and was not growing. They told us we could try and abort baby B to give baby A a better chance at survival, but it had to be done before 24 weeks. We decided not to do the abortion, because what if something went wrong and both babies died. We also didn't feel it was right to play "God" and decide who lived and who died. I was put in the hospital at 26 weeks for full bed rest constant monitoring. Baby A (Charlie) was showing steady signs of improvement, even though Freddie basically stayed the same. There is a syndrome called twin-to-twin transfusion that one baby can pass on to the other baby when they are in the same sac, so they were monitoring that closely as well. At 27 weeks, 6 days, Charlie's heart rate was very erratic, dropping, rising, then dropping again. After it stabilized, the doc said that if it happened again, they would have to deliver the babies to give Charlie a better chance of life. They got me to 28 weeks, which is what the goal was, so they were somewhat satisfied. About three hours later, Charlie's heart rate started to do the same thing, so the prepped me for surgery. Charlie and Freddie were born at 12:51 and 12:52 am, November 14th, 2002 (we made it to 28 weeks) and went immediately into the NICU. I did not see them until 8 the next morning. Freddie's first brain ultrasound showed the he had none of the ridges, bumps and valleys that a brain is supposed to have. We let him live until my mom could come across the country to see him, then we took him off life support. The doctors assured us that had we let him live, he would have no life whatsoever and would always be in need of some sort of oxygen/kidney dialysis/monitoring, basically anything to keep him alive. He was four days old when he died in my arms. Right before he went, Charlie opened his eyes for the first time and looked right at Freddie. I have never seen a newborn be as alert as Charlie was for those few seconds. Charlie had a rough start in the NICU. He had NEC, was started and stopped on feedings about three times, was diagnosed borderline hydrocephalus, but finally came home to us on January 4th, 2003 I still look at Charlie and wonder why I don't have both of them and what I did wrong. I know I didn't do anything "wrong" but I still wonder why. I always wonder where Freddie is growing like Charlie in heaven or whether he will always be a baby with wings. That's my story, sorry it is so long. Jani
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Post by missingisaiah on Nov 6, 2007 20:56:12 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about the death of Freddie. How hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Post by jaredsmommyforever on Nov 9, 2007 1:15:45 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Jani. It made me so sad. I am so sorry you all went through this. What a wonderful bond the brothers must have shared for Charlie to open his eyes like that. Maybe he still feels him??
I know this is a hard time for you. I am thinking of you.
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Post by myjustininheaven on Nov 30, 2007 10:19:46 GMT -5
I heard that they can look at us from up there, of course we can't see them but they can.
My little Justin, was 22 months when he left me, last words he uttered was "bye bye..bye bye ..bye bye..bye bye". and I didn't see him again until he was limp in my arms, and I'm screaming my lungs out for help. Justin gave my best 22 months of my life in which l felt like I deserve to live, amd life deserves to be lived. I will tell you more about him in my next threads.
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Post by missingisaiah on Nov 30, 2007 10:32:49 GMT -5
I am looking forward to hearing more about your precious Justin.
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Post by jaredsmommyforever on Dec 1, 2007 3:38:29 GMT -5
I am so sorry...
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AngelEyezTN
Full Member
~FOREVER OUR BABY GIRL~ 7/23/05 to 2/9/07
Posts: 334
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Post by AngelEyezTN on Dec 7, 2007 2:40:36 GMT -5
I just realized I never posted Melody's story on this thread so here it is:
I'm sure you all know that, as a parent, I wish I wasn't here, but I am so glad I found others with whom I can share my daughter and the loss of her. I don't feel like I can do this story justice without telling the whole thing so please forgive me if I am long-winded.
Friday February 9, 2007 was a very typical day for us starting out. I played with my daughters Alanna (6 mos at the time) and Melody (who is now forever 1 year 6 months and 17 days old) during the day. That afternoon I drove the usual 15 minutes or so with the girls to meet my ex-husband's wife to pick up my two boys Jarred (11 yrs, 12 now) and Landon (3 yrs, 4 now). We drove back toward home, I stopped off at Dollar General to let the boys pick out a toy and then we came home. My fiance, Sonny, and his little boy (Jake, 6, 7 now) showed up a bit later. We all ate dinner. Then it was bath time. I took Landon and Melody into the bathroom and started it up for them. Alanna, Jake and Jarred were in the living room each doing their own thing. I washed both Landon and Melody and Landon asked if they could have bubbles. I told him 'yes' and he wanted to pour the bubbles in so I opened them for him and let him do that. Then I turned on the jets long enough for them to bubble up the bubbles and turned them off. I sat with them for a few minutes watching them play etc and my fiance came in. At this point the baby (Alanna) started crying so I told Sonny "I'll be back in a few, gonna go check on Alanna'. He said ok and I walked into the living room. Jarred was at the computer, Jake was watching TV and Alanna was lying in the floor swatting up at the toys on her play gym. She wanted her bottle so I fed her and went into the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. I was finishing up when I heard Sonny say "mommy?" so I said 'yes' and he replied "Landon wants you" to which I said "give me just a sec." I put a detergent tab in the dishwasher, closed and started it and then threw the detergent tab bag away cuz I had used the last one. I walked thru the living room into the hallway and almost collided with Sonny coming out of the boys' bedroom with empty boxes he was going to take to the barn. He let me go on thru and I continued into the bathroom. Landon was there standing up but Melody was nowhere to be seen so I said "Landon where is Sissy?" (And even tho the smart part of my brain knew that Sonny hadn't gotten Melody out I thought he might have since I didn't see her) Landon replied with 'right there' and point to his left at the bubbles/water and I just knew in my mommy heart in THAT very moment that my girl was gone. I couldn't see her because of the bubbles so I just reached my arms in and scooped her up into my arms. She was pale, blue around the lips, limp and lifeless. I laid her on the mat in front of the tub, ran into the hallway by the bathroom door and was SCREAMING..."OMG SONNY PLEASE COME HERE NOW!!!" and other stuff I don't remember. I do recall that he was there in an instant and screaming back at me 'WHAT'S WRONG WHAT IS IT" and I said "OMG IT'S MELODY!!!" He screamed at me to call 911 but I already had my cell phone (no land line) and was heading out the front door with it (because of some signal issues in the house...didn't want to possibly get disconnected). I sent my oldest boy, Jarred, to Sonny's dad's house next door. He was met at the door there by one of Sonny's brother's g/f, Alicia, who came running up here and started performing CPR immediately (Melody and Alanna were both preemies so I had taken CPR TWICE in the last 18 months and it seemed to completely escape my mind and fail me when I got Melody out of the bath). I went between calm and cool and hysterical with the with the 911 operator. She wanted to know if someone was performing CPR and I didn't know cuz I was outside so I walked back into the front door and thru the house, looked into the bathroom and saw Alicia doing the CPR and went out the back door. I remember telling the operator I can hear them but I don't see their lights WHERE ARE THEY?!?! And of course she was trying to keep me calm but that wasn't working much. Then I recall telling her 'THEY ARE GETTING CLOSER I HEAR THEM REAL LOUD AND I CAN SEE THEIR LIGHTS!!!!" SO I ran down close to the road and just started jumping up and down waving and screaming "HERE PLEASE WE NEED YOU HERE WE ARE HERE!!!" SO they saw me and got into the driveway and jumped out of vehicles and started running into the house. There was tons of people in the bathroom and in the hallway outside the bathroom (medical personnel). After a few minutes in there with her, Alicia and Sonny they carried Melody out and into the ambulance. They worked on her in the back of the ambulance for about 15 minutes, intubating her and IV lines in both arms etc. Sonny and I just stood outside the ambulance doors crying, praying and holding each other. OF course since she was a child they had to investigate the incident thoroughly so we were not allowed to go to the hospital at that point. I asked where they were taking her. They said Morristown-Hamblen. Even though my mommy heart already knew she was gone it was confirmed when they told me that because if there had been a fighting chance for her they would have had her flown about 30 (car) minutes away to the Children's Hospital in Knoxville. So we waited. No one was allowed to use the bathroom here....or go in there period of course. We had to answer lots of questions for the police. We were waiting on a darn investigator that was being really very slow. Melody was the first girl in both mine and Sonny's families in 20 or more years so she was totally spoiled. She would go spend every other weekend with my aunt and uncle (Rita & Randy) or my adult cousin and her husband (Tabby & Greg) in Johnson City (about 1 hr 15 minutes away). Well as soon as the ambulance left with Melody I called Tabby and I blurted "OMG Tabby I think she is dead!!!" And of course she wanted to know who and what and where they were taking her. So she and Greg started down this way and THEY made it to the hospital (that is only 15 minutes from where we live) before we ever did even tho the hospital is 1 hr and 15 minutes from them! That is how long it took for the police to decide to let us go to the hospital and the only reason they did at that point was because Tabby had a paper signed by me and notarized saying that she could get care and information about Melody and sign for her treatment and such because Tabby loved to take Melody over to Asheville, NC to shop in the Mall over there, so when she got to the hospital they told her and Greg so Greg called me. I said "Is she gone?" Of course Greg said that they told him he could NOT tell me anything other than it wasn't good and that surely I could hear from the sound and shaking of his voice that it was REALLY BAD! I said "IS SHE GONE? YES OR NO?!?!" He said "Yes" and I dropped the phone and just screamed "NO, NOT MY GIRL!!!" Everyone was standing or sitting around me cuz I was on the living room couch. Alicia fell to the kitchen floor crying and Sonny fell to the LR floor crying. He was in bad shape so I calmed myself down and was walking to him to try to calm him down. I passed by a cop who said to me "Who called and told you? It was someone from the hospital?" I just looked him dead in the eyes and said "It doesn't matter" cuz Sonny & I deserved to know and the darn cops weren't telling us anything. So they let us go to the hospital. The head nurse and a member of clergy with the police dept came and talked with us in the prayer room at the hospital then we were allowed to go back to a room and see her. We couldn't touch her because they were sending her to Knoxville for an autopsy but we did get to see her. And we were surrounded by cops of course to make sure we didn't touch her or anything. Tabby, Sonny and I stood there hugging crying and praying. The investigator asked us to come the following Monday at 10 am to make our formal statements since he didn't get to get them that night. The forensics place called the next morning to say the autopsy was done (WOW REALLY FAST, we weren't expecting her body to be released until Monday) so we told them a funeral home and we went thru the motions of burying her. Tabby insisted on a pink casket that she had to pay an extra $1000 for to have flown in overnight but if she wanted to pay that it was her choice because she was like a second mommy to Melody. It's been 8 months since we lost Our Daughter, Our Starr, Our Melody Starr Alexander and we are all just sorta 'here'. Melody was our miracle baby. She was so wanted (as I already had two boys and he had a boy). We had two miscarriages before we got pg with and she was born 6 wks early (my boys were term) in an ambulance and fought hard for 2 weeks in the NICU. She was the only child that Sonny and I had together (as he and I split up for a while and I had my youngest daughter with someone else before Sonny and I got back together). SO I was supposed to be having my tubes tied on Feb 23 but I called and canceled the surgery because it's possible that he and I could want to have another child together since the one we had is no longer living. We have the 3 boys in therapy already (since Jake and Jarred are old enough to 'understand' and Landon because he was in the bath with her when it happened and as she was being given CPR). I have sought the help of a therapist (sometimes I go alone, sometimes Sonny & I go together and sometimes he goes alone) and I have a psychiatrist also. We have finally found help for Sonny also (free for him to see a psychiatrist and get his meds through them, thank God!) although he has no health insurance. If you have made it this far, thank you for caring enough to read it all and please accept my condolences on the loss of your precious child and I look forward to getting to know you all and you precious angels and you are more than welcome to ask me anything you want to know. I love talking about all of my children and it makes me feel better to know there's people out there who understand and who care. Love to you all.
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aurora25
Full Member
My precious little angel Chloe. Forever loved and missed.
Posts: 473
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Post by aurora25 on Dec 7, 2007 13:29:34 GMT -5
((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Melody. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You, Melody, and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers. I look forward to hearing more about Melody.
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Post by patriotgirl29 on Dec 17, 2007 20:29:30 GMT -5
Hi My name is Michele and I am new to this Message Board, thanks Vicky! My son Marc Tyler was born after being 4 weeks over due ,3 days of failed inducement via C-section on December 23rd 1990. He was my first born child, my only son I would ever have. I was just 20 yrs old and decided against other's opinion's that I would bring him into this world as he was God's plan although not mine at the time. I was not married and kept his father ( my now husband at a distance) to stay focused on the baby, and if things worked for us a couple then that too would be a plan greater than my own. You see over the next 10 months Nelson and I fell in love. We fell in love with not only each other but over our excitedly anticipated son! Every move, and squirm he would make, how he would push his little foot up under my rib, we would smile with joy just being able to feel this amazing one of kind things that was happening to us. I felt strange into about my fifth month, asking my mother of 10 children if she ever felt like she didn't feel like she would have the baby in the end? She questioned my new feelings and basically said everything will be fine. My gut continued to gnaw and got the best of me, an Ultrasound would revel a healthy baby boy at 20 weeks! I cried, I cried with joy and sadness, to this day I regret that. I always had a little girl in mind and like many who I have talked to, I never really thought about the health of the baby, just assumed the baby would be healthy. I now learned sadly that the sex of the baby is the last worry. By 35 weeks, I was with joy and counting down the days t my birthday baby due on my birthday Nov 29th... Until one morning I began spotting, rushing over to the ER the doctor explained to my parents, Nelson and my sister that they weren't concerned about the bleeding, but saw something in the baby's abdomen, they all asked should we go with her the following Monday to a new hospital in Orlando for a new high tech Ultrasound, and he quickly took their worries away by saying " No, she will be fine it's probably a gas bubble". It wasn't. It was the longest Ultrasound , scanning not only his abdomen, but his brain as well, calling in Dr. after Dr. not answering my tearful questions, asking " Is my baby OK?" All they could say was I had to wait till' the next day and hear from my primary. I took a cab home feeling devastated. The sad news came after my father who was always a meek man, came home to me a wreck on the floor. Hanging up with my primary who didn't seem to have results, and wanted me to wait 3 more days...brought me to my knees..well he drove me directly there, and demanded he see us and accepted nothing less. They spoke as if I was invisible. It was awful feeling like I was in a tunnel. He read from a medical book explaining to my Dad, that my son had a rare unknown genetic disorder called "Dandy-Walker Syndrome" and also had a bowel obstruction that would require surgery upon his birth. He added, he would prescribe me sedatives, and when my father asked "What about the baby?" He sadly said " We aren't worried about the baby as much as we are your daughter, the baby won't survive" I was as weak as one could be. His Nursery was done, he was wanted, he was so loved , how could this be so, my mind wandered. Telling his Dad was going to be the hardest, he was the first grandson to carry my husband's name.. after about 24 hours of crying,hurt, and despair. I found strength. I never even knew I had. I decided I would not accept he was going to die. I would educate myself on Dandy Walker and see what challenges lie ahead. I switched to High Risk doctors, seeing them once a week, had over 7 ultrasounds, and an amnio. The prognosis got better. But it seemed every doctor had a different opinion. By the time things were said and done they changed my due date to 4 weeks past my original date... To no avail I wouldn't go into labor...nor my water break, or even dilate. It took my Mom's stubborn outspoken behavior which usually makes me embarrassed, to get them to finally do a C-section on the 4th day of inducement. He was born with tons of Neonatal Specialists prepared for all that was expected... All of them gave us great outlooks, he had a shunt put into place and drained some fluid, and had him under a hood for 02 for 24 hrs...he cried, pee'd you name it, appeared to be healthy in every other way. The Pediatric Neurologist even said he was excited about doing a case study and saw good things in the future. But the bowels were something that couldn't wait , he couldn't have a movement. I trusted them and believed all of what they said, my mistake....thinking Doctors were smarter than me almost God Like....Never have I thought that again. He was taken into surgery on December 24 th around 3pm, although they came out and gave positive reports on how well he was doing it was later learned he died on the table and was resuscitated 3 times after having a complete colostomy. They neglected to tell us the sad news we learned when we finally got his records 2 years later...*(the hosp claimed they misplaced) his weight was recorded for a baby that was 7 months old...14lbs...not 7lbs 15 oz. He had been given so much anesthesia he never gained consciousness. I really had no clue as I was trying to recover, and visit the NI CU as often as I could, but never discussed or had anyone say he was expected to pass on. We were asked on December 25th to come down so we could hold him, everyone tells me years later they knew, but I hadn't a clue...I may have been so happy to know I could finally hold him for the first time that I just saw what I wanted. He was on full life-support and had been with no response, and they put us in what I now know to be a "Quiet Room". I held that sweet baby, smelling him, touching all his finger and toes, savoring every moment. I can still remember the cold feeling I felt in his feet I tried so hard to wrap them to warm him...and trying not to be selfish..( I never wanted to let go of him) But as Nelson's crying eye's looked on I offered him the same joy of holding his son. as his hands took hold of Marc, the monitors sounded, I had thought then " Oh My God I killed him" I thought I pulled one of the many wires loose. and Nelson later on felt he blamed himself. I looked to my mother looking on with tears, asking what happened , and a pain in my stomach, a deep pain, with unfamiliar sobbing from deep within began. The nurses whisked in with the doctor and quickly they unplugged the respirator and said simply, he is gone. No explanation, no permission to unplug. Cold, nothing else, and walked out. I Thank God my Mom was there and Mother in law walked in right from her emergency flight to Orlando that day... they ordered the nurse to take all his tubes, and machines away and bring him wrapped in his Christmas blanket so we could hold him. I was so weakened I remember not being able to speak. The feeling of despair I had was one I will never forget. My father, and sister walked in finding the sadness that was taking place and both collapsed requiring medical attention. They brought my son back, and Nelson stayed off and on and really couldn't take the pain...but my mom and mother in law all stayed and we kept him for about 2 1/2 hrs took pictures, held him, I stared at him wanting never to forget anything about him. I remember being sedated most of that night running fever's not being allowed to leave the hospital...the next day I left. I hated being wheeled out to the car with " It's a Boy" Balloons and gifts and all the goodies you get when you have a baby...only no car seat or baby... I often wondered with little to no support back then...I was a Mom...am I one now? I know now I will always be Marc Tyler's Mom, and now I am also a Mom to Carissa & Vanessa ages 15 and 13. I guess I could go on forever...especially about the Hospital...their neglect, and the outcome of my fight against them, but truly with time I can say none of that matter's I don't believe in anything but.... Doctors " Practice medicine", they are not God, it is he who has a bigger plan, and to not lose my sanity I have to believe this. I Thank God everyday for my daughter's. I will hurt all my lifetime for the hole thats in my heart, but I know time lesson's the blow...you begin to have more good days than bad. You are given a choice when something so unnatural happens as losing a child, you live or you die. I chose to live. I have learned not to feel guilty about my decision, which has taken me years to do so. Thanks for listening....forgive me for going on so long. Michele
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Post by missingisaiah on Dec 17, 2007 21:22:11 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your Marc Tyler with us. I am so, so sorry for your loss and wish you a sad welcome to Silent Grief. I can't imagine the pain the medical community put you through.
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Post by mankillerrn on Dec 18, 2007 22:29:45 GMT -5
I am so proud of you michele the women here are wonderful...vicky
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aurora25
Full Member
My precious little angel Chloe. Forever loved and missed.
Posts: 473
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Post by aurora25 on Dec 19, 2007 19:15:17 GMT -5
Thank you so much for sharing your Marc Tyler with us. I am so sorry that you have had to find this group but you will find much love and support here. I understand all to well about the medical community and their neglect.... The people you trust with the life of your child. My daughter passed away due to a massive hospital/Dr screw up. My heart goes out to you hun. Please know that we are all here for you!
Many HUGS, prayers, positive thoughts, and lots of love. Erin
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