Post by mommyofbryson on Mar 23, 2017 11:49:01 GMT -5
Today marks a week since my miscarriage or shall I say our miscarriage because I'm not in this alone. I thought I was in a fairy tale. We were high school sweethearts that went our separate ways only to rekindle the flame 17 years later. We got involved again and one the first encounter we are pregnant with protection I might add. So we think this is God's plan at work. We both are shocked and amazed do to the fact that I didn't know I was even pregnant for the first 2 1/2 months. I thought the symptoms where of something else. So we go from shock to acceptance, to joy to planning. We talk about new beginnings everyday and baby names, child-rearing, etc etc. We have a small hiccup at the hospital when I started bleeding at work and my blood pressure was really high but all is fine. So the weeks start rolling by and we (baby & I ) continue to grow. Everyone is excited and that makes it extra special. Start making plans to find a bigger house to make room for our expanding family. I get big rather quickly but twins are ruled out and we continue to make more plans for Bryson. We plan a trip to Georgia and everything about the trip was great. I couldn't move around like I wanted but I was okay with that it goes with the territory. I take a few days off when I get back and make plans to house hunt for the future. On the last day of my getaway I wake up to cramping and severe back pain. I brush it off and try to continue with my day. I call him from work and he says just stop what you are doing and get it checked out. I listen and go to the emergency room. I am there for a while the pains increase and even though at first my cervix was closed which was a good sign they tell me that with my symptoms that I am having a miscarriage and that I will lose our baby. I was a wreck especially when I was told that there is nothing that they can do to stop it and they made it sound so routine that it was just another whatever that could easily be forgotten. I was mad and angry and confused up to this point I hadn't worried about something happening like this. I had already had I healthy birth so I thought this couldn't happen to us. But I was wrong, so wrong. The nurse said it could take some time to pass and I might even miscarry at home but within a matter of a few I started having actual contractions and I knew that my cervix was no longer closed and that the baby was being pushed out of my body and that there was nothing I could do about it. Can you imagine not being able to stop your own body from releasing your baby that you are trying to hold on to. The emotions that I experienced were something out of a book. We lost a baby boy and thanks to daddy his name is Bryson. It's hard because I constantly think of him and what could of been with him and what he would have been like. I would never wish this pain or torment on anyone it's too much. I also feel like the depression bus is circling the parking lot for me but I am determine that we can get through this and learn to not move on but live with what God allows. I don't want to be angry, bitter, or depressed but I know I will have moments of depression, anger, and bitterness. I just wonder why me?