Post by erinw on Jul 18, 2016 13:03:59 GMT -5
Hi. My name is Erin. I am 34 and I have been married to the love of my life for 12 years. We always knew we wanted children and due to my endometriosis diagnosis at 18 we decided not to use any BC when we got married. 3 years in - we had never even had s "scare" so I think we were both kind of thinking "if it happens great - if not we are ok with that too." Then at the same time that his grandfather (who raised him) was getting sicker and sicker we found out that we had a great surprise!! We got to tell him the month before he passed that we were having a baby - I think that was the last true smile I saw him give! We were so sad about losing him but so excited about our little baby!! 4 months in to my pregnancy his grandmother (who raised him) had a nasty fall and was placed in a rehab facility. At 5 months I was feeling very cramp you and was growing concerned that something was wrong. It continued to get worse and having never been pregnant I didn't realize that I was in labor until my water broke. We went to the ER. They knew it was bad and rushed me to a better hospital an hour away. They did all they could but the next day after a terrible infection had set in I gave birth to my beautiful sleeping angel! Jaxon. We were crushed!!! The day we went home his grandmother passed away unexpectedly due to injuries from her fall - no one told her that we lost our baby - but the last thing she said was that she will be the first to hold him😢 In 6 weeks my husband lost the only parents he ever had and his first son - 2007 was a tough year! We grieved and had a memorial service for Jaxon. We joined a empty arms grief support group and tried to heal the best way we knew how. We were so scared to try for another baby. We waited 3 years and found a Dr. That we really trusted and finally took the plunge. It only took 2 mos. and we were so excited but SO scared!! My Dr. Was great - he checked me every week starting at week 3! When I was really nervous he would do an ultrasound just so I could see that my baby was ok - he never even charged me for the extra visits or ultrasounds:) He had me doing progesterone suppositories for the first 14 weeks. Then at week 16 he said you are doing great! He gave me permission to fly to a wedding in NJ. Week 18 at the wedding I started cramping again. I was so scared!! I lost my mucus plug and I immediately called my Dr. They said drink lots of water and take it easy - but you will be fine. I got home the cramping continued so I went for a visit everything looked great on the ultrasound my baby was playing and squirming like crazy. I went on for another week and just felt like something was still very wrong. I went back and as my Dr came in the room he said "you have got to relax! Just because you lost your first baby does not mean that you will lose this one" he turned on the machine and his face dropped - I knew in that moment that it was over. He sent me straight to the hospital to start magnesium to stop the contractions. After 4 days they realized that they had overdosed me b/c I couldn't swallow and had to stop the mag. Within the hour my contractions started again. He called the better hospital and begged them to take me and try an emergency cerclage but when I got there I had already dialated too far for it to help. That night I gave birth to my 2nd son - Knoxx. 20 weeks is too soon!! That was in 2010. We def didn't work as hard to grieve it out like we had with Jaxon. I lost a ton of blood and was extremely sick - almost died. It took several months for me to recover physically and even then I was in pain constantly. 5 years and 15 doctors later I was diagnosed with adenomyosis - for some people it becomes a life altering chronic pain illness that is very difficult to deal with. I also have hereditary kidney failure. So with all of that against me and after consulting several MFM doctors we decided that a 3rd pregnancy would be too dangerous for me. So in March of this year I had a hysterectomy. I knew it would be painful but I didn't expect it to bring everything flooding back like I just lost them yesterday! I am struggling so much!!! My nightmares came back that I hadn't had in several years..I'm just lost. That's why I'm here. I don't know where else to go. If you have read this far thank you...I know it long!🎁