Post by rhayes3785 on Oct 12, 2015 9:05:17 GMT -5
10/12/15
What happens when your dysfunctional family member also loses a child?
I never thought I’d have to answer this question or even ponder it. My sister lost a little baby girl at 26 weeks recently. Her and my mother have contacted me through facebook talking about my son and not sharing this news until I refused to respond. I saw the message at 5 am this morning.
I don’t know how to react. I’m angry and sad that now all of a sudden they care how I felt because now they are going through it. Where were you when I needed you? Why did you belittle how I felt for so long? Why did you think I got upset after you spoke about caring for your other grandson?
Do they realize I had not one family member with me when I buried my son? My father never speaks of Tyler. He just took us to Busch Gardens a month after wards. I sat drinking and eating funnel cakes while my family ran around the park. Again, I was lost on how to feel.
Why does a family react in a way that’s so bizarre? Why can’t people just open up and listen and even talk about it?
I know I’m jumping around from different family members and different times in the past but I don’t have the time to explain our background. Honestly, it would just turn into a horrible story so; I’m just sticking with the last four years.
The last time I heard from my mother and sister was six months ago. My mother had tried to commit suicide for the second time in a few months. They spoke to me like we talked every day. Again, more shock and lack of understanding. So, I listened as my mother manically told me how much better she felt and that she wants us all to forgive each other and be a happy family. Well I’ve heard this many times before and the same thing always happens. It’s good for about 2 months and then how I really feel comes out and I’m the bad guy and then I’m yelled at and forgotten again. So, I let it go.
I ignored their messages about Tyler over the last few weeks because I honestly didn’t want to get into it. Then they drop this bomb on me. I feel guilty because I feel like I’m sitting here just thinking about me. But my sister is acting so odd. The d**n thing is so odd. I have so much guilt because I want to care for her. I want to be there for her when no one was there for me. But can I handle it? Can I give her what they refused to give me? Is that the right thing to do?
In my mind, it’s not. My heart hurts. Its breaking and I hate it. I want to hug her and promise her she’ll never have to go through this alone. But I can’t. Because not being alone; is all I ever wanted. I can’t give her something I don’t have. I don’t have the compassion and love, I never have.