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Post by themissus on Sept 6, 2014 5:51:46 GMT -5
I just need somewhere to vent this entire feeling of hopelessness. Since the day we started dating a dozen years ago, my husband and I both knew we wanted kids. I was just a kid then, only 19, he a college student of 21. Clearly not the time. Time progresses and we got engaged after 4 years of dating. He joked at the time this way if you turn up pregnant it won't look like that's the only reason we got married. More time progresses and we start making plans to be married on thanksgiving day in 2010. I actually did turn up pregnant 5 weeks later. So we bumped everything up to March, with me being 5 months pregnant at the time. 28 days later I delivered our daughter stillborn at 24 weeks. The following spring working in daycare just got too hard after that so he encouraged me to follow a career path I'd wanted since I was a teenager and I went to cosmetology school. While in school I got pregnant again. At my first prenatal appt my urine hcg was weak so I went for an ultrasound and discovered 2 silent babies, no heartbeat. So my ob and I scheduled a d&c. 7 weeks ago I got another positive test! I was elate, over the moon excited! Tuesday of this past week I started cramping, then spotting. I woke my husband and told him I wanted to go to the hospital. After a dx of threatened miscarriage I came home to rest. Not knowing for sure what was going on in my body. Yesterday morning I had my first natural at home miscarriage and I was not prepared for the gore that came with it. I sat there on my toilet for idk how long staring at the sac on the toilet paper bawling. I'm at a loss. I have no words. Only fears. What ifs. What if it's three strikes and I'm out? What if now my husband no longer wants to be my husband? I don't want to think that but these thoughts inevitably creep in and I needed to get this off my chest.
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Post by triangelmom on Sept 8, 2014 17:23:36 GMT -5
First off, I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered. I know all too well the pain and heartbreak that comes with losing a pregnancy as I am a three time survivor myself. I had the fears...the anxiety...the worries about it happening again, and that I might never know the joy of a full term pregnancy that leads to a healthy baby. But I did eventually know and experience that joy and my sincere hope is that you will too. For now, you mourn. You surround yourself with people who can offer you encouragement, validation of your thoughts and feelings, support you with whatever decision you have with going next. Be there for your husband. He has suffered a loss too and hopefully, you can be there for each other. Perhaps, you can do something together to begin the healing process, whether it's planting a tree or a balloon release ceremony or going to a support group meeting together for pregnancy loss. Love each other and be there for each other and together, you can get through this difficult time and in time, be able to move forward.
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Post by libralise on Sept 9, 2014 19:36:26 GMT -5
I am so very sorry for what you are going through right now. I am picturing you yesterday morning, looking at the toilet paper, and it makes my heart just ache for you. I am so sorry. I don't understand why so much pain is brought to one person. I don't understand... It's one of those things we will never know the answer to and we have to somehow figure out how to live with it and move past. I have had such sadness in my life and I have lost babies, and though it is something that I do always carry with me, it is something that over time I learned to live with. Happiness does await you my dear. Down the road it is waiting for you. There is just a healing process beforehand. I am going to pray for you that you and your husband have support and that together you will navigate this sadness. You will be ok in the end sweetheart, as unfathomable as that may seem right now. I am thinking of you and praying for you and sending you love and support. xoxx
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Post by themissus on Sept 12, 2014 22:52:46 GMT -5
Thank you both for your words and support! I met with a new Dr yesterday and I really liked him. Before we even went in for an exam he sat down with me and went step by step by step thru my medical history and while it hurt to recount every single heart wrenching moment it also helped. And he was amazing. He said absolutely everything I needed to hear. And now I regret my knee jerk reaction to flush that toilet paper. But I left his office feeling better. He's gonna help us try and figure out if there is a cause. I even got a full physical! I also left there with orders for blood work for both myself AND my husband with another appointment set for 4 weeks from now to go over the results with us. My husband wasn't even able to be present at the appointment which just amazed me even more that he wrote the orders for my husband. I'd mentioned I'll have him on the phone to his Dr to get the orders and he said oh no, I'm gonna write them right now! Now I had an amnio done on our first pregnancy, our stillborn daughter, and her genes were fine. So do you think that could mean that OURS are too?  ? |
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Post by libralise on Sept 15, 2014 18:10:24 GMT -5
I am not sure what it could mean, but I am happy for you that you are finding some answers and information. I hope that the results are what you wish them to be. Don't beat yourself up for flushing the toilet paper. When I miscarried the first time I did the same thing, and though it is something that I wish that I "had not done" I also understand that I was in shock and in a different stage of life and that I just did it, without thinking. I don't want you to feel badly about it because you have enough sadness already. I hope that you and your husband have been receiving support from your family and friends. I have been praying for you. Best of luck with the testing!
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Post by themissus on Sept 17, 2014 12:54:01 GMT -5
Well I like this doctor even more. In my initial blood testing he issued the thyroid test even though he didn't think there would be any abnormalities in the labs because my periods are soooo regular. But he ordered them anyway. The hubby and I went for those on Monday afternoon and I got the phone call the results were in and there was some abnormality. So he ordered more thyroid testing and I got that blood drawn yesterday. He added on free t-4 and thyroid antibodies and another tsh. Hoping to hear back on that soon.
Thank you libralise for the reassurance with my toilet paper. And yeah I think shock is the best way to describe that! Thank you guys so so much!!
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Post by themissus on Sept 22, 2014 12:22:24 GMT -5
The blood for my thyroid came back and he referred me to an endocrinologist and a thyroid ultrasound sound. What do you think that means
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