Still here...

[judiann]

It's been a while but i'm still here.....yay for me??

i don't know how or what to feel yet....
it's all just been sooo Surreal....take it one day at a time, i guess..

my guilty regret is that i did't go see her the last 10 days of her life.
i have a thousand excuses that don't work...many times i stood at the door ready to go...& changed my mind.
don't know why....just couldn't go.

some of it was the few phone calls we had...she refused to talk to EVERYBODY her last days...the 2-3 times she spoke to me were just horrible for me....
i did not know what a low low opinion she had of me, how much she blamed Me for her life struggles...it was All my fault.

shocking to find out that I KILLED my Aunt, my cousin Donna, my Son & a few other people going back over 25 yrs....wth???
geeze...my Powers are better then i ever knew ...

it's just so sad how the last 3 months have been....especially for my Dad. poor guy has fell & busted his knee Again & fractured 2 ribs!! he's having a tough time...just hope he'll get thru it all.

of course, i worry about him. he REALLY deserves some Good, some Great for the time he has left.
I pray with All my heart that he is Blessed....he sure paid his dues with mom.

As for me?? I'm Ok i guess....some changes tho. I dyed my hair ...it's Orange but it was white before so that didn't take too well....

the Major change?? i put away Melvin's memorial pictures,corner of my world. i've hurt long enough....every day for 9 years is too long.

i've always said that there would be No peace with mom & i until one of us died.....

i want that peace....i think it may be mine? for the 1st time in over 12 yrs i am not "on call", hearing the phone late, rushing to the ER....

i am sooo F**KING DONE!!!

finally....

judiann

[joan]

(((((((((judiann))))))))))

One day at a time is a good idea.

Nothing easy about it, is there?

I think I understand you not being able to go - more abuse if you did and you do not need that. I am sorry for all the nasty things she said.

I too hope your dad has some peace and good quality of life now.

Why am I not surprised that you dyed your hair orange? I think I have always pictured you that way in my head.

Putting away Melvin's pictures is a big thing. I hope this marks a new and better phase in your life. NOT on call - I can't imagine, but it will happen to me one day too, I guess. You must have some feelings of relief.

Judi - I truly hope that the hurting has stopped for you. I found Gordie's cell phone this morning -cleaning out a cupboard in his room. I thought I had found everything. Maybe I had and put it away again -I don't remember... it hurt.

Sending lots of love and (((((((hugs)))))

Joan

[Teeny's Mom]

Judiann,
My experience when my mother died was similar. Too much to take. I know what you are going through. Take care and take your time healing. Now you can find the peace you need. Wish I could hug you personally.
Cindee

[judiann]

Thanks Guys,

Joan...my hair was not meant to be Orange...more a lite Auburn...but the dye was 5 yrs old?? i've really dyed my hair a lot over the years huh?? i needed a change tho...

i was surprised about putting melvin's pictures away. i just suddenly decided that i was Done, hurt enough...& put them away. wish i had done it sooner...saved a lot of unnecessary heartache.
why do we hold on sooo long...even years after we KNOW it's time to let go?? i think it's "motherhood" & we never let go....how sad that it takes so long to find our "saneness" again.

Cindee.....((((((hugs)))))))
just being here is ok by me.....thanks :-)
thing is....i don't feel. no void, no empty place. nothing....
she killed what i had for her over 35 yrs ago, yet i still tryed to make it work for whatever stupid reason....ya know, my mother & all...(pile on the guilt here) but it never came back.....she did evrything to destroy me....i'll never understand why.

i have a few regrets....i can live with them, will come to terms some day...

for now??? i have Peace.

wish you could Hug me too....sure would feel good :-)

love ya,
judiann

[Teeny's Mom]

Judiann,
It has been three years since my mom passed. She, also tried to destroy me before and after I divorced her. Even as she was dying, she was still working it and trying to make everyone feel guilty around her. I dream of her, but the dreams are still very stressful and not peaceful. Please know that you did what you can. We can't pick our parents, we can only learn from them. Whether it is what to do, or what to NOT do. That is all they can give us. Hang in there and feel my virtual hug. Know that my own mother couldn't hug me, but I can hug others because I know that is what heals. Hugs.
Thinking of you always, even when I am not here often.
Cindee