Post by hdavis on Jun 26, 2012 6:45:44 GMT -5
Hello,
I figured it was time to join a message board for some support after going through the death of my young son and now a third miscarriage in less than a year. I am in a state of disbelief, where I feel like I am just coasting through and not living.
I will share some background information.
I was married and had two beautiful, healthy, and happy boys soon afterwards. My youngest son, Max, was an absolute ham. He was an old soul, very fun to hang out with, understood sarcasm, and was my best little buddy. He was four years old when he died in my arms on Christmas Eve in 2005.
My husband and I did not grieve the same. He was a very successful business person and I was a stay-at-home mom (former teacher). He eventually returned to traveling and work, and I was alone in a quiet house, while my older son was in school. My husband did not like to talk about Max, did not want to even really hear his name. I however, wanted to look at photos and watch videos to hear his voice and talked about him everyday. We ended up moving to another state to start over, but these differences continued. I asked for a divorce in 2009 and my husband was very angry about it.
During this time, I felt very alone in my grief, tried a few counselors, but did not feel comfortable going. I ended up joining a gym to manage stress. I ended up befriending someone who listened to me and liked to hear about my son. He lost his father at a young age, so we both took turns listening to each other's stories. I was so withdrawn and depressed since 2005, but he made me laugh for hours at a time. We quickly became best friends. He is ten years younger than I am. My divorce was VERY nasty. When it was final in 2010, my friend, my son, and I moved in together and we eventually got married last summer. My son Michael gets along well with his step dad.
Since I am 38 and he is 28, we obviously decided to try to have a child sooner than later. This is something I didn't necessarily know that I wanted until I met my 2nd husband. The hope, and light, and potential happiness and excitement I felt at the idea of carrying a baby again, and being a new mom, made me look forward to my life for the first time since my son died. So when we tried one time and I became pregnant, we were both over the moon.
For some reason, I did not think I would ever have problems. I had had two successful pregnancies, two healthy boys, and got pregnant right away. I was feeling good. I was thinking, "I've gone through the worse thing that someone can experience, no way will God do this to me again." So, when I went for my second ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks on November 2nd, and I watched as my doctor's smile turned into a frown, I was in complete shock. The heartbeat I'd seen the previous week was no longer there, and she told me I had a missed miscarriage.
I elected to have it naturally pass, as opposed to the medication to induce labor and the d&c. Thanksgiving came and went, and it was unbearable knowing that my baby was gone but still inside me. Not until December, did I begin having cramps, and then excruciating pain. I began to hemorrhage and was rushed from one hospital to another for an emergency d&c.
This baby was due on Father's Day 2012, just last week. It was hard enough, but knowing that that holiday was extra difficult for my husband, it made it even harder.
It took 3 months for my period to return. I became pregnant again in March 2012, with this baby's due date being December 24, 2012. Seven years to the day my son passed away. I foolishly thought it was a sign from Max or from God, that everything was going to be okay this time. That the most horrible day of my life, would now be bittersweet because it could possibly be my new son or daughter's birthday.
Unfortunately, at 5 weeks, my levels were falling and I started bleeding. My doctor told me this was considered a chemical pregnancy.
At two losses in a row, she was not that concerned. She told me that because of my age, these were most likely chromosomal abnormalities and that she wanted me to keep trying. I was very scared and told my husband I didn't think I could do it again. I don't sleep, I am very stressed out. I didn't think I could handle another loss emotionally. We decided to try one more time.
I became pregnant in May, and much like the first time, I felt very sick instantly. Nauseous all day and night, breasts swelled and were tender, headache, backache. As nervous and apprehensive as I was, something in me just felt like this one was going to work. So on Father's Day morning when I started bleeding (around 5 weeks again) I burst into tears and just lost it.
How is it that God can be so cruel? My first baby was due that day. And now I am having another miscarriage on the day he or she was due? There are just no words.
My husband and I went to my OBGYN yesterday and had blood taken from both of us for genetic testing. They are doing some type of antibody testing on me as well. And we have been referred to an infertility clinic in the area.
I'll tell you what I am most afraid of.
I am afraid that I will never be happy. That I will never have any peace in my life. My husband tries hard to be supportive. He says things like, "If it doesn't happen for us, it doesn't happen. It's no big deal." But he is saying these things as a 28 year old guy. Some of his friends are expecting or have little babies at home now. We see their photos on Facebook. He hears about his coworkers' growing families. What happens when my husband is in his thirties in a couple years and everyone he knows has little kids and he doesn't? He's stuck with a 40 something wife. He may genuinely feel that way now, but could easily change his mind in a few years and I'll just be sitting and waiting for him to leave me.
I have so much pain and guilt and stress. I don't sleep at all. Anyone that knows my situation tells me that I need to relax, that stress contributes to miscarriage, but it's easier said than done. I've been offered a position to return to teaching this fall, but am anxious about this as well. My son never made it to Kindergarten. I don't know how I would do with a classroom of children around the same age. And teaching is so stressful - not exactly a way to reduce stress should I become pregnant again.
Anyway, I guess I should have joined a board like this a long time ago. Thanks for letting me get things off my chest and thank you in advance for the welcome.
I figured it was time to join a message board for some support after going through the death of my young son and now a third miscarriage in less than a year. I am in a state of disbelief, where I feel like I am just coasting through and not living.
I will share some background information.
I was married and had two beautiful, healthy, and happy boys soon afterwards. My youngest son, Max, was an absolute ham. He was an old soul, very fun to hang out with, understood sarcasm, and was my best little buddy. He was four years old when he died in my arms on Christmas Eve in 2005.
My husband and I did not grieve the same. He was a very successful business person and I was a stay-at-home mom (former teacher). He eventually returned to traveling and work, and I was alone in a quiet house, while my older son was in school. My husband did not like to talk about Max, did not want to even really hear his name. I however, wanted to look at photos and watch videos to hear his voice and talked about him everyday. We ended up moving to another state to start over, but these differences continued. I asked for a divorce in 2009 and my husband was very angry about it.
During this time, I felt very alone in my grief, tried a few counselors, but did not feel comfortable going. I ended up joining a gym to manage stress. I ended up befriending someone who listened to me and liked to hear about my son. He lost his father at a young age, so we both took turns listening to each other's stories. I was so withdrawn and depressed since 2005, but he made me laugh for hours at a time. We quickly became best friends. He is ten years younger than I am. My divorce was VERY nasty. When it was final in 2010, my friend, my son, and I moved in together and we eventually got married last summer. My son Michael gets along well with his step dad.
Since I am 38 and he is 28, we obviously decided to try to have a child sooner than later. This is something I didn't necessarily know that I wanted until I met my 2nd husband. The hope, and light, and potential happiness and excitement I felt at the idea of carrying a baby again, and being a new mom, made me look forward to my life for the first time since my son died. So when we tried one time and I became pregnant, we were both over the moon.
For some reason, I did not think I would ever have problems. I had had two successful pregnancies, two healthy boys, and got pregnant right away. I was feeling good. I was thinking, "I've gone through the worse thing that someone can experience, no way will God do this to me again." So, when I went for my second ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks on November 2nd, and I watched as my doctor's smile turned into a frown, I was in complete shock. The heartbeat I'd seen the previous week was no longer there, and she told me I had a missed miscarriage.
I elected to have it naturally pass, as opposed to the medication to induce labor and the d&c. Thanksgiving came and went, and it was unbearable knowing that my baby was gone but still inside me. Not until December, did I begin having cramps, and then excruciating pain. I began to hemorrhage and was rushed from one hospital to another for an emergency d&c.
This baby was due on Father's Day 2012, just last week. It was hard enough, but knowing that that holiday was extra difficult for my husband, it made it even harder.
It took 3 months for my period to return. I became pregnant again in March 2012, with this baby's due date being December 24, 2012. Seven years to the day my son passed away. I foolishly thought it was a sign from Max or from God, that everything was going to be okay this time. That the most horrible day of my life, would now be bittersweet because it could possibly be my new son or daughter's birthday.
Unfortunately, at 5 weeks, my levels were falling and I started bleeding. My doctor told me this was considered a chemical pregnancy.
At two losses in a row, she was not that concerned. She told me that because of my age, these were most likely chromosomal abnormalities and that she wanted me to keep trying. I was very scared and told my husband I didn't think I could do it again. I don't sleep, I am very stressed out. I didn't think I could handle another loss emotionally. We decided to try one more time.
I became pregnant in May, and much like the first time, I felt very sick instantly. Nauseous all day and night, breasts swelled and were tender, headache, backache. As nervous and apprehensive as I was, something in me just felt like this one was going to work. So on Father's Day morning when I started bleeding (around 5 weeks again) I burst into tears and just lost it.
How is it that God can be so cruel? My first baby was due that day. And now I am having another miscarriage on the day he or she was due? There are just no words.
My husband and I went to my OBGYN yesterday and had blood taken from both of us for genetic testing. They are doing some type of antibody testing on me as well. And we have been referred to an infertility clinic in the area.
I'll tell you what I am most afraid of.
I am afraid that I will never be happy. That I will never have any peace in my life. My husband tries hard to be supportive. He says things like, "If it doesn't happen for us, it doesn't happen. It's no big deal." But he is saying these things as a 28 year old guy. Some of his friends are expecting or have little babies at home now. We see their photos on Facebook. He hears about his coworkers' growing families. What happens when my husband is in his thirties in a couple years and everyone he knows has little kids and he doesn't? He's stuck with a 40 something wife. He may genuinely feel that way now, but could easily change his mind in a few years and I'll just be sitting and waiting for him to leave me.
I have so much pain and guilt and stress. I don't sleep at all. Anyone that knows my situation tells me that I need to relax, that stress contributes to miscarriage, but it's easier said than done. I've been offered a position to return to teaching this fall, but am anxious about this as well. My son never made it to Kindergarten. I don't know how I would do with a classroom of children around the same age. And teaching is so stressful - not exactly a way to reduce stress should I become pregnant again.
Anyway, I guess I should have joined a board like this a long time ago. Thanks for letting me get things off my chest and thank you in advance for the welcome.
