Angry

[jaredsmommyforever]

Seven and a half years yesterday. I know the days are going by, and I live them, in a manner of speaking. But still, how did they add up to this? How can this be? Seven and a half years without being able to hold my child? To raise him? To show him all the love i have for him? To SEE him with my eyes?

It's a crime against nature and against me and against what my child deserved to have in this life. I will NEVER accept that this is how it was "supposed to be." I reject that.

Oh this makes me so angry. Why do I have this life? What is the meaning in having to live this way? So compromised, in so much pain.

[myangelamanda]

((((((((((((((((((((Denise)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

See what I started by counting those days? It's awful isn't it? It is seven and a half years TOO LONG!! and I'm right behind you so I really do understand the anger and the missing and the yearning to mother a child who was still in those mothering years ... to just want to SEE our child ... I'm SO SORRY you're in this place today ... yesterday ... and still tomorrow. It's just awful and I have nothing to say to make it better.

It pains me to see you so upset and angry, but it makes me sad to know there's nothing I can say or do to make it any better for you because I've not been able to find anything for myself or I'd be sharing asap with everyone.

I don't like when my friends hurt. I can only just be here to listen and let you know that no matter what you're feeling ... no matter the depth of the pain as the waves come and the waves go ... I will always be a shoulder for you to lean on or cry on. We may have to up the ante from tea to wine as we sit and cry with that endless box of tissues between us.

(((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))))) I hope today and all our tomorrows will bring some peace to all our aching hearts.

xox

[missingisaiah]

I am angry for you too. Jared should be there with you. He should never had died. This is not how it was suppose to be. Children are never, ever, ever suppose to die before they have lived a very long time, like 90 years or more.
I am angry that you have to live without him.
I am angry that any of us have to live without our children.
I am angry that we are left to somehow try to pick up the pieces of our broken lives and live without our children.

[jaredsmommyforever]

Michele and Brenda,

Thank you SO much for being here for me. I have tears in my eyes at your support and understanding and I am so glad I am not totally alone in this. Sometimes we are busy and going about our business, and then it hits like a ton of bricks how insane and painful and senseless this all is.

Thank you so much. It means so much and helps so much.

[missingisaiah]

Glad I helped a bit.
I know what you mean about it suddenly hitting. That's what it was like for me up to the past four months. But, since Aug it seems like a constant unbearable pain, almost like the first year.
I was talking to my dad about my frustration over our family pic. He said, "There's always next year." I said, "Maybe not. We might not all be alive next year." I was thinking specifically of Tabatha and John. Before Isaiah's death, I would have taken it for granted that there was always next Christmas time to capture that perfect pic.
Our new reality SUCKS!!!!!!!

[jaredsmommyforever]

Yes it does, Brenda. I am sorry it has been so hard for you again. Nothing can be right about this-- family pictures, holidays or anything else. I'm just so glad we have this place and each other for our 'new' reality check-- how much it sucks. By the way, your kids look adorable, just wish Isaiah was in that picture with them. And yes, we can't take anything for granted.

[jaredsmommyforever]

P.S. Michele, Yes, wine. Red please. Are you serving or am I?

[weeblemom]

I am angry on your behalf as well. People talk about reaching a stage of acceptance, and I think, are you kidding me?? It will never be acceptable that my baby is DEAD. I am so sorry for your pain.

[jaredsmommyforever]

Thank you. And I am sorry for yours too. Losing our babies is unthinkable.

[drummerca35]

I understand the anger. My child was murdered by a drunk driver with nine (NINE!) prior DUIs. It's hard to imagine "this is how it was supposed to be." This may sound nuts, but I'm starting to lose track of how old she should be, since she is nine years old forver. How messed up is that? She should be 12 years old. All I know is there is the "before" and the "after" and we're living the "after", and they seem like two different lives.

[jaredsmommyforever]

I am so sorry, and yes, it is two different lives-- it is split the same way for me, and I think all of us as well.